Well...I did it.

I told the bishop what I didn't want to tell him. And I didn't die. And he agreed that it was a different version of the same sin.

I'm very frustrated because I don't feel better for doing it. I don't. I don't feel that lightness that I usually feel after confession. What is going on? If I didn't know God better, I'd think He was playing games with me.

But I do know God better. And I know that whatever this is, it's okay. I told the bishop because I felt like I should tell the bishop, and I'm no worse for it. I just really wish I felt better for it.

Actually, now that I'm thinking about it, I think I did gain something from it. I was there, and I told my bishop I had to tell him something but I didn't know why and I'm sorry he has to know about it. I told him I hope he'll forget it the second I walk out the door. He told me that's about how it works. He told me he remembers the things he's told when he needs to, and doesn't really think about them otherwise. Bishop White from my other ward-- my favorite bishop ever-- had said something similar to me once. He said he doesn't think about all the rotten things I've done in my past when he sees me at church or anywhere else. He said when he saw me, he just feels the spirit.

So I'm going to try really hard to forget that the bishop knows this thing about me, all of this thing, that I'm a sex addict, that I look at porn and use my own body for my own pleasure. If he's not thinking about it whenever he sees me, then I don't need to worry about it whenever I see him.

Also, I did it! It was extremely difficult and took a lot of courage. Look at me, don't I look nice in this shade of courage? I can do hard things! I can make myself do stuff that's hard and get through it. I don't think I can accurately state that I'm a coward anymore.

So, I did learn good things from this. And isn't learning what it's all about anyway?