Gratitude as a Cure to Situational Anxiety?

My bishop challenged me to get a little notebook and, every day, write three good things that happened that day, or three good things I'm grateful for that day.

Honestly, I have mostly failed at this. I usually forget (thank you, ADHD). However, purchasing the notebook and sometimes remembering I have it have helped in reminding me to think of things I'm grateful for.

Recently, I've had a crossroads of sorts, and I didn't know which direction to go. It was stressing me out so much. Then I remembered that verse in Proverbs 3. "In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths." And I wondered- if I acknowledge God's hand, will He help me see which path I should take?

The bishop's suggested exercise helped me to be more aware of my blessings. And, guess what? After a while, it was like a lamp shone on one of the paths, and that's the one I took. And it feels right and I'm no longer freaking out about it.

Hang on with me here. I'm going somewhere with this, I promise.

So, every single Monday, I get a little panic attack because Tuesday I have to start my work week. I could go into a great long list of why I just don't want to go to work, but I won't. I have Sundays and Mondays off and Mondays are the only day I get with my kids every week (they're with their dad every other Sunday). I should enjoy and cherish my Mondays, but always, that dark cloud of what's coming robs some of my enjoyment. Dread. Anxiety. Since I don't work till 1:00, I get the same dread and anxiety all Tuesday, too. It's thick and horrible and happens weekly.

So, today, I was sitting in my car after dropping my son off at school and in crept that familiar panic. My chest tightened, my heart began to race, my face flushed, I became hot, and tears stood ready to burst through. I decided to take a moment and not just push it down. I took deliberate, conscious breaths (because in those moments, it's almost like I've forgotten the right way to breathe). I told my heart "Shhhhh."

And then something weird happened- almost as if being directed by another force. I began thinking about all the things I have. I began consciously acknowledging my wonderful life. I acknowledge my home, my car, my daily food and water, my health, my children, my working body and mind, my Jesus, my dear friends-- I just started listing things I have. And then I acknowledged the Hand from which all my blessings flow. Soon, acknowledgement turned to gratitude. Genuine gratitude. And then, with my thoughts on my blessings, I remembered that in my past, God has always taken care of me. Everything has always worked out. It's ALWAYS been Okay. And then I realized that if He has taken care of me all this time, then He will continue to take care of me, and everything will always be Okay. Even though I legitimately hate my shift, and I'm allowed to hate my shift, and even though my circumstance are not ideal, and even though my kids and I are suffering because of those circumstances, God, my Father, will continue to take care of us! So I needn't fear. And then I stopped for a second because I realized something. I realized my heart rate was dropping back to normal. I realized the vice on my chest was loosening. I realized my blood flow wasn't all up in my face. And then I realized that my heart felt warm. Like, peaceful. Like, the very opposite of anxious.

And so I'm going to try this again, next time I get that little attack of anxiety. I know it's cliche to say "be grateful," but I really think that consciously acknowledging my abundance of blessings brings about a consequential peace, which destroys anxiety. I mean, anxiety is the very opposite of peace. I don't imagine there's room for it when peace comes in.

This is so important because anxiety is addiction-fuel. Marsha loves it. She uses it against me and lures me to her comforting arms, promising freedom from this plaguing anxiety. I've recognized those promises as lies, but now I think I'm finding antidotes. "In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths." Even if my path is clear, even if I know I have to drive to work and clock in and do the work that is a greenhouse for the anxiety in the first place, even if the path before me is already known- I sure would like God's direction on it. And today, acknowledging my blessings and His hand in my blessings gave me peace in a time of anxiety.

It's weird. Gratitude is so powerful. I am going to practice it more. I can't force gratitude, but I can force myself to acknowledge.

For real, I can't wait to try this next time my anxiety rises up and constricts my airways. I hope today wasn't a fluke!

On Triggers and Reaching Out

I used to think that a "trigger" was something that tuned you in immediately to your addiction. Like, maybe a pornographic billboard, or an open beer, or the smell of pot- depending on your addiction. So, I would avoid triggers to the best of my understanding. I would avoid driving by the sex shops in town, avoid billboards I know are around, avoid sex talk, etc. And, I guess those can all be triggers too, but the ones I need to really look out for are the ones I hadn't previously identified as actual triggers.

Some recovering addicts say things like, "I'm triggering bad right now," when they want to reach out. So I would always equate that to, if they have sexual addictions, them having to fight off lustful fantasies, or having to fight the temptation, or as my dear friend Annette calls it, the "crave." I have up till a few days ago equated "trigger" with "current temptation."

When I'm in a mode of focusing on sin, and hoping that I won't indulge but ultimately knowing that I will, I have zero desire to reach out. I'm not going to tell anyone when I'm currently in the zone, the zone of rare return, the "I'm-going-to-type-this-pretendingly-innocent-search-term-in-the-search-bar-and-it's-not-like-anything-will-happen" zone; the "if-I-accidentally-see-an-image-or-heading-I-know-I'll-be-okay," zone; the "just-one-look-won't-hurt" zone; the "I-got-this" zone. I'm already too far gone then. I have already bowed to idol of stone pride, then. And I always wondered, how the heck do people reach out when they're "triggering?" When I'm triggering, I'm already too far gone, and ain't no way I'm letting anyone in then!

But then I realized that the zone I'm in at that point is not a trigger zone. It's beyond the trigger zone. At that point, the trigger zone has been hidden by dust and distance.

I need to be better at reaching out when I'm experiencing real triggers. Before I let those triggers lead me to a path of certain regret, I need to acknowledge them as triggers and talk to someone about them. I think a trigger is something that, if allowed to fester silently, will come out roaring in the form of a fix. Some of my common triggers include:

Feeling overwhelmed
Counting my failrues
Self-laothing
Tiredness
Hormonal changes (PMS, etc.)
Stress
Sadness (though this one is becoming less and less a trigger as I learn to appreciate it, love it, and let it live)
Fear
Indecision
Confusion
Feeling rejected/insecurity

I think my biggest triggers are feeling overwhelmed, fear, and insecurity. So, now, when I notice that I'm feeling overwhelmed, I send a text to a friend and let her know I'm feeling overwhelmed. It doesn't have to be a dramatic scripting of where I think this will take me if I continue on this road, but just a simple, "I'm feeling overwhelmed. There is so much to do! I can never get it done. I know I'm not a failure, but today I'm feeling it." And then she'll respond with something kind and normal, and since I've given VOICE to the trigger, it holds less power. And since I've become ACCOUNTABLE by letting someone in, the trigger holds less power.

It's difficult for me to reach out because I still want to be my own Jesus. I still want to show . . . someone- myself? . . . that I can make it on my own. I still don't want to ask for help. But I do it now because it's important to me to stay away from sexual sin. And now that I have a better understanding of what my own personal triggers are, I can talk about them. I can let people in. It's difficult to train my brain to take stress and feeling like a failure as a huge warning. But, I'm doing it. Slowly, but surely, I'm recognizing these emotions as triggers. All of us experience these emotions, but addicts cope with them by using their addiction. I am learning better methods of coping, and I am learning courage.