On Triggers and Reaching Out

I used to think that a "trigger" was something that tuned you in immediately to your addiction. Like, maybe a pornographic billboard, or an open beer, or the smell of pot- depending on your addiction. So, I would avoid triggers to the best of my understanding. I would avoid driving by the sex shops in town, avoid billboards I know are around, avoid sex talk, etc. And, I guess those can all be triggers too, but the ones I need to really look out for are the ones I hadn't previously identified as actual triggers.

Some recovering addicts say things like, "I'm triggering bad right now," when they want to reach out. So I would always equate that to, if they have sexual addictions, them having to fight off lustful fantasies, or having to fight the temptation, or as my dear friend Annette calls it, the "crave." I have up till a few days ago equated "trigger" with "current temptation."

When I'm in a mode of focusing on sin, and hoping that I won't indulge but ultimately knowing that I will, I have zero desire to reach out. I'm not going to tell anyone when I'm currently in the zone, the zone of rare return, the "I'm-going-to-type-this-pretendingly-innocent-search-term-in-the-search-bar-and-it's-not-like-anything-will-happen" zone; the "if-I-accidentally-see-an-image-or-heading-I-know-I'll-be-okay," zone; the "just-one-look-won't-hurt" zone; the "I-got-this" zone. I'm already too far gone then. I have already bowed to idol of stone pride, then. And I always wondered, how the heck do people reach out when they're "triggering?" When I'm triggering, I'm already too far gone, and ain't no way I'm letting anyone in then!

But then I realized that the zone I'm in at that point is not a trigger zone. It's beyond the trigger zone. At that point, the trigger zone has been hidden by dust and distance.

I need to be better at reaching out when I'm experiencing real triggers. Before I let those triggers lead me to a path of certain regret, I need to acknowledge them as triggers and talk to someone about them. I think a trigger is something that, if allowed to fester silently, will come out roaring in the form of a fix. Some of my common triggers include:

Feeling overwhelmed
Counting my failrues
Self-laothing
Tiredness
Hormonal changes (PMS, etc.)
Stress
Sadness (though this one is becoming less and less a trigger as I learn to appreciate it, love it, and let it live)
Fear
Indecision
Confusion
Feeling rejected/insecurity

I think my biggest triggers are feeling overwhelmed, fear, and insecurity. So, now, when I notice that I'm feeling overwhelmed, I send a text to a friend and let her know I'm feeling overwhelmed. It doesn't have to be a dramatic scripting of where I think this will take me if I continue on this road, but just a simple, "I'm feeling overwhelmed. There is so much to do! I can never get it done. I know I'm not a failure, but today I'm feeling it." And then she'll respond with something kind and normal, and since I've given VOICE to the trigger, it holds less power. And since I've become ACCOUNTABLE by letting someone in, the trigger holds less power.

It's difficult for me to reach out because I still want to be my own Jesus. I still want to show . . . someone- myself? . . . that I can make it on my own. I still don't want to ask for help. But I do it now because it's important to me to stay away from sexual sin. And now that I have a better understanding of what my own personal triggers are, I can talk about them. I can let people in. It's difficult to train my brain to take stress and feeling like a failure as a huge warning. But, I'm doing it. Slowly, but surely, I'm recognizing these emotions as triggers. All of us experience these emotions, but addicts cope with them by using their addiction. I am learning better methods of coping, and I am learning courage.