Giving up Perfect

One of my many false beliefs is that in order for me to be good enough, I have to be the best. If I'm not the best mom, I'm not good enough. If I'm not the best employee, I'm not good enough. If I'm not the best student, I'm not good enough- the best friend, best Mormon, best woman, best everything. In my early teens, I was the best pianist in most of my groups. It helped me feel good enough. And being the best = good enough = perfect, in my head. But, the older I got, the more pianists I met, and I was almost never the best. If I wasn't the best pianist, I figured my talent was good for nothing. If someone else has it, better than I do, what does it matter if I know how to play?

This concept, certainly, would have been a foreign one:

I am aware of it, now. I am becoming aware of how it is based in pride and fear. I am becoming aware of how it damages myself and others. Somehow, in my mind, being the best means being perfect. And I must be perfect! And being perfect means being the best. And being anything other than perfect means being a total failure. Why am I this way?!

Recently, something in my head clicked. I have been defining perfection all wrong all this time. Perfect has meant a clean house; always happy kids; no addiction slips; being esteemed highly by all around me, all the time; flawlessness as an employee; the best at my calling; the favorite everywhere; thin; all the time knowledgeable; wise- ETC. I felt like I had to be ALL the good things, ALL the time, but even beyond that, that everyone had to believe that I was doing all the good things all the time. 

I shake my head at myself, but I try to remember self-love because these thinking errors are so hard to identify and even harder to change. 

But, now, perfect means something different. We are commanded to be perfect, but whose version of perfect? Certainly not mine! My version of perfect is all screwed up. And the commandment says, "Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father which is in heaven is perfect." It doesn't say, "Be ye perfect even as you define perfect." And when you think about it, how IS our Father perfect? He is perfect but He is not here, on Earth, in mortality. He is not living in this test of life, with a veiled memory of Eternity, with Satan and conspiring men and women calling Him in every which way. I can't be perfect as He is perfect while I'm here, can I? Because He's not. 

Anyway, I have been stressing at work because I'm something like number 7 on our team of 14, and that has been highly unacceptable in the past. But yesterday at work, I suddenly decided to let it go. It means nothing. My ranking means nothing in the Eternal scheme of things. It doesn't tell me my worth- not accurately, anyway. 

And, that's a real part of it. I have been attaching my worth to all these ridiculous things. If my house is clean, then I am worthy of love/acceptance/companionship. If I am number 1 at work, then I am worthy. If my primary kids learn all the songs perfectly the first try, then I am worthy. If I never yell at my kids, then I am worthy. If I never have an inappropriate thought, then I am worthy. If my yard looks nice, then I am worthy. If my friends agree with all my opinions, then I am worthy. If I lose weight, if I drive well, if I write a smash hit song, if I am admired, if I finish the 12 steps, if, if, if, if, if! These "if-thens" are absolute lies, and I have been buying into them for years! And the liberation that comes with understanding that they are lies is difficult to explain. 

My version of "perfect" is false. And I couldn't be happier about that. The pressure that night at work fled off my shoulders in a hurry, and I just focused on what I could do in that moment to do my job well. My house is a disaster but that doesn't mean I have no worth. Wait, what? 

It's clicking. I'm so grateful it's clicking, because holding myself to impossible standards has been pretty awful. And now that I know the truth, or some of it, I don't have to do that anymore. I don't have to be my version of perfect anymore in order to claim worth.

I'm breaking through perfection. It was holding me back in a severe way. It was crushing me and I was using it as a tool of punishment. Well, I don't get to do that anymore. I don't get to punish myself with my false standards. 

I think I still have a lot about this topic I need to work out. I think it's time for a therapy appointment. 

I hope I make at least a little bit of sense!