Do You Have the Time to Listen to me Whine

No one likes a whiner but I'm so . . . AUGH . . . that if I write at all, it will be in complaint. And I'm writing. So I complain.

I have this new crappy shift. I see my kids in the morning before school every day and that's it. They're in bed before I get home. I can't even explain how much I hate it. It's just unfair. Duh, why couldn't my sweet babies have been born to someone else who could give them a way better life? Because a life where you hardly see your mother is a life that sucks a little bit, and a life where you hardly see your kids is a life that sucks a lot.

I try every day- I really do!- to tighten my britches and have a good attitude. I spend my mornings missing my kids and trying to figure out what God wants me to do. I'm getting better at managing my time, too. Then I go to work and totally believe I'm going to rock, I'm going to have short calls, get sales, blah blah blah. But instead, inevitably, I have a horrible day. We have all these metrics that we're supposed to meet, and up to this month, I have met most of those metrics without effort. This month I might be meeting one of them. My performance is worse than it has ever been since I got hired, and, let me tell ya, it's not for lack of trying. I have put in more effort than ever because it is sooooo so so so important for me to get a day shift so I can see my kids again, and that depends on performance. At this rate, I will never ever ever get off the night shift. Ever. And I can't make sense of it. How can all the the things that came to me easily, consistently, over the past several months, suddenly not come to be at all? How can my effort yield horrible results? EVERY SINGLE DAY?

Every night on my drive home I cry. I miss my kids so much and because of my scores I will continue to have to miss them. I try so hard and for what? I'm so tired of putting out so much effort and getting the opposite of what I should get in return.

I thought this was a trial God wants me to endure, and I think I maybe still think that, but even though it's not death or severe illness or a real trial, it's too hard for me and I can't handle it. I wanted so badly to endure it well, to show Heavenly Father that I can make it, and make it with a grateful smile, but we're only just over 2 weeks into this and I already feel like crumbling. I already can't breathe. It's already too much.

Maybe tomorrow will be better. That's what I keep telling myself. Maybe one of these days it will be true.

On the other hand, I have been doing a dang good job of turning to God during this, instead of running to my easy places of coping. I do feel that He has been blessing me with strength.