Consistency

I touched on something in my blog the other day that I want to expound on. Yes, I have struggled with sexual addiction most of my life. Yes, I have been working sincerely and honestly on recovery for most of my life. I used to define this as an even greater weakness. If I have been working so hard for so long, there must be something seriously  wrong with me since I still struggle with it.

But, I'm thinking about this, and I feel that what I'm thinking about is truth because as I think of it, the Spirit touches my mind and heart.

Working so hard and so long is seriously right.  It's maddening and frustrating that addiction has such a strong hold on me. It's embarrassing and humiliating. It's depressing and monumentally discouraging. But, I keep trying. I keep slipping, but I keep getting up. I keep stepping out of God's light, but I keep returning. That's what matters most.

I look back and I see that my constant repentance has kept me safe-- well, safer than if I hadn't. Of course, I'd be even safer if I'd just stay on the path always. But, who of us does that? Anyway, I look back through the years of my addiction, of my active addiction, and I see progress. I see spiritual enlightenment. I see blessings galore. I see so much forgiveness. I was progressing and learning even in my darkest times. Even when I couldn't abstain for 14 days without a miracle, I was progressing and learning and making it. Spiritual progress was so slow, but it was there. I wasn't going backward. I remained faithful. I read my scriptures daily, as I do now I prayed all the time, as I do now. I paid my tithing faithfully, attended all my meetings, shared my testimony with others, trusted God in times of circumstantial trial. Even when my addiction had the most control, I still did so many right things. I never saw it. I thought of only the bad things I was doing, and defined my worth by those. I saw only my addiction, only my inability to break free.

But I never gave up. Ever. I thought about it. I wanted to sometimes. Maybe twice I skipped church in all those years. Maybe a few days of skipping scripture reading. I don't think I have ever had a day where I didn't pray- I can't even imagine such a day. I never gave up. I couldn't see the value to that, because it seemed like "no matter what I do, no matter how hard I try, I keep failing. What's the point? Why do I even try?"

But today I can look back and tell you with relative confidence that it is because I keep trying that I have am in recovery. It is because of my consistence that I have been continually blessed with grace and mercy and so much more. It is because of my determination, though broken by occasions of failure, that I will become free, that I will shed this weakness, this curse, this hell of addiction. I am not alone in any of my success, of course. I do not mean to take credit for what belongs to Jesus. He enables me to continue when I wish to die. He enables me to push forward when I feel like I can't. He gives me the grace I literally need in order to be forgiven time and again. But, Jesus's gifts will not save me if I don't accept them. I accept them by trying again and again. I accept Him by giving effort and consistency. I will never give up because I don't have to. I know that if I don't give up, I can still partake of the promise of immortality and eternal life. And so I do it. I keep going. And, despite what I used to believe, every time I get up, I become strengthened. Even if in another day I fall again, each exercise of returning and repenting makes me better and stronger.

And so I go. And so I will always go. And I'm grateful for all those countless times in the past where I thought "What's the point? I'll just slip again like I always do," but got up anyway. I thank the me in the past who keeps trying and keeps going when it seems useless to do so.

I believe that I have kept myself from unspeakable situations by my continued efforts. I believe that Heavenly Father has protected me because of my getting back up every time. Would I be more blessed and more protected if I hadn't so often returned to this sin? Well, yes, of course. He is bound when we do what He says, but when we don't, we have no promise. I have forfeited so many blessings, I know. But on the other hand, for as long as I've been an addict, I have been pretty lucky. I have been able to live a somewhat normal life. I have been able to keep my jobs and teach my children. I haven't gone outside of the screen, if you will. Okay, there are a few exceptions to that.... While it seems like my addiction has been so completely out of control, I really do believe that by not giving up, God has protected me from doing more in this addiction. And I am so grateful.

I'm grateful to God and grateful to myself, and I hope that's okay. I am grateful that I kept trying, and that I keep trying. And I know that eventually, by and by, I will get where I want to be. I'm closer now than I ever have been. I scold myself always for how slow I am at learning, but I think I'm going to focus on brighter things instead. Instead of, "I could have avoided that sin, but I didn't. I'm a failure," I'm going to try to say, "I could have given up, but I didn't. That is awesome."