The Grace Experiment: A Memoir (Day 1)

True to form, I woke this morning with my regular litany of accusations, all of which I would declare myself guilty. I stayed up too late, how could I? Well if I'd have done the dishes earlier, if I'd have spent less time on Facebook and done more good stuff, if I'd have done ______, then I'd have been worthy and probably would have been responsible to make it to bed on time. If, if, then, then.

But then I remembered grace. I remembered the experiment.

The word "grace" on its own is so powerful to me. I mean, the instant I hear it, or see it spelled out across my consciousness, I feel a calmness and a power. An exhale. Grace. It's a beautiful word. So, when I remembered grace, I felt calmer, and I shut up the guilt. I rejected the normal guilt of the morning and focused on readying for work.

I listened to a conference talk on the way to work and donned myself with an attitude of grace- of one who accepts the grace that is always, always there. And I had an amazing, happy day at work. I came home and did a few things and then headed off to my ARP meeting, and as I was driving, I remembered, with a 20-lb dumbbell of guilt and another 20-lb dumbbell of self-judgement, that I hadn't read the scriptures after work like I had planned to. So I hadn't read at all today. And those familiar voices, "seriously, Stephanie? How could you forget that?! Why are you always forgetting everything?" and just so much guilt over missing a simple duty and promise.

And then I remembered grace. And I smiled because grace makes me smile. And I hushed my frantic critiques and reminded myself the day's not over and that whether or not I read scriptures has no bearing on my worth. And I let it go.

And then I had a beautiful meeting where I actually tried to connect to the others in attendance which was awkward and bumbling but I had a wonderful time and it was a wonderful meeting. And I love those ladies, all of them.

So now I'm suuuuper tired and I'm going to bed with grace instead of guilt and maybe instead of all the worries I will think of all the blessings, and maybe I'll sleep better.

I hope tomorrow is as happy as today was.