Aimless

I'm trying so hard not to care so much about what others think of me. YES, I FAIL! I fail, okay? Dear everyone in all the world everywhere, I FAIL! I have weaknesses and addictions and failures every day of my life. I've had weaknesses and addictions and failures my whole life. And I will continue to have them.

It's weird how every slip shocks me. I mean, I've had this pornography/masturbation addiction for so many years- why is it a surprise? I always think, how did that happen? I can't believe that happened. It feels like each slip blindsides me and I don't know where it came from. It's especially shocking on the days I have worked so hard spiritually. Like the days I had a wonderful experience at church or the temple, or when I've tried so hard to make a spiritual plan and have done visiting teaching and made an extra effort in my scripture study and made an extra effort in family and personal prayers. It's a bigger shock when I slip those days. But it shouldn't be. I can't perform myself out of addiction anymore than I can earn myself a place in God's kingdom. I can do all the right things for days and weeks and months, and still, if I'm hanging on to control of my life, I will fail. I will fall. I will slip.

I'm slipping pretty steadily every 4-6 weeks these days. I'm trying to rationalize: at least it's not every few days like it used to be. At least it's not every 2 weeks like it was for a really long time. I'm also trying to beat myself up: It's been so long. I have been fighting this so long- what is the matter with me? I've been attending ARP meetings for over three years, keeping this blog for longer, confessing to bishops for 17 years, been trying to "quit" for 19 years. Most my life. It's overwhelming.

How is it possible I don't get it yet? How is it possible this addiction is so much stronger than I am?

That's just it. I'm still trying to be the one to save me. I'm still trying to quit. I'm still trying to write my own story, to decide my own future, to lead my own life. I'm still trying to best addiction, but addiction IS stronger than the natural man/woman, and I am no better than anyone and I am not strong enough to conquer. I keep trying to be. I want to be. I want to do this alone.

But, if I let Jesus write my story, it will be a far more beautiful, glorious story than what I could ever write on my own. He offers to take the pen daily, and I selfishly grip it daily, as if to surrender it would be to surrender my freedom, when in reality it would give me so much more.

I'm so afraid to expose myself as a fraud. I do own my weaknesses but I own them in a very calculated way, so that even as I own them, I can appear "good." I own my weaknesses really so that no one else can hurt me with them. And I don't own them all. Sometimes my therapist calls me out on weaknesses that I haven't had a chance to own yet, and that makes me so . . . scared. It feels like exposure and I am terrified of exposure when I'm not the one to expose myself.

I sometimes pride myself about being "real," but there's nothing real about me. I'm terrified of being found out. I'm open to sharing only that which I am open to sharing- which is maybe a lot, but even in my sharing, I'm careful to not expose the most flawed parts of me. Because I would just die if someone were to see me as a regular human being.

The thing is, I am not simply weak. My weaknesses aren't all simply weaknesses. Many of them are rebellions. Many are straight up sins. Many are really horrible characteristics. Like, how manipulative I can be (I shudder as I write that). Or how I play the victim to get something my way. Ugh. Gross. Or how I would rather scroll through Facebook than pay attention to my angel kids. Or how I have evil wishes for people who hate me.

I am not as good as I portray myself to be. I am far more human than I want to admit. Step 1. Admit that you, of yourself, are powerless to overcome your addiction and that your life has become unmanageable. No. I will not admit that I am powerless. I will not admit that I can't do this. I am too afraid to admit that it's beyond my control, beyond my capacity to overcome, beyond my power. I must be the one to conquer!

Clearly, I cannot be. I have done step 1 a few times, to varying levels. But all the steps are onions. You do them to the best of your ability, and you peel off a layer. And then your ability changes, and you realize you need to do the step again, and another layer is discarded. I think I'm down like 3 layers of Step 1. The onion still looks like an onion.

I can't do it. I mean, I really can't do it. Jesus can. Will I let Him?

Today I will.