Questions to ask After a Slip

In his most recent blog post entitled "Question to Ask Yourself After a Relapse," Ben Luthi suggests some . . . well . . . questions to ask yourself after a relapse. I thought it seemed like a good idea, so I'm going to answer the questions here, now. Only, I'll answer them based on a slip, not a relapse.

What thoughts did I have that led up to the relapse? I was tired. I thought I was just going to go to bed. I mean, that was my plan. Other than that, I felt frustrated and angry at myself for basically not being perfect. I was exhausted from a very challenging several months, particularly the most recent 4 weeks. 

How did it happen? Just like it always does. There was a something online that piqued my curiosity. It had been born of some innocent post. I went on to search for "innocent" terms till I "accidentally" came upon some inappropriate images. I also discovered that my filter on my phone doesn't work over wifi, which confuses me a great deal. But, that left an entire world at my fingertips. I could access anything.

Did I want it? Yes.

How do I feel now? I went through various stages of grief, if you will. I'm just sad now. So, so, so sad. At first, I was angry. And I tried hard to shut out everything. I slept late and stayed in bed till noon. I avoided conversations. I avoided talking to God. I was going to go to the temple today. I'm so, so sad.

What have I learned? I don't even know! I feel like it's the same thing every time- I didn't surrender. I didn't let go and let God. I clung to my absurd and harmful need for control and insisted on doing things my way. It cost me, as it always does, in the same way it always does.

What am I going to do different this time? I purchased and downloaded an accountability app called Ever Accountable. I've only ever used filters before. With Ever Accountable, all of my internet activity will be logged and then emailed to 3 people of my choice every week. I chose people I trust, as well as people I never want to know what I'm doing online when I'm up to no good. One of them is my brother. I will die if he ever knows what sites I slowly end up on during my climb to sin. It's equally important to make sure the other two never receive reports of me accessing inappropriate material. I hope it helps. I think it will because I can't think of anything worth the embarrassment of these people knowing what I've looked up and looked at. 

How long has this been going on? (Negative emotions, filling up the lust balloon, etc.) Like, 3 months.

What negative emotions have I been feeling? (Resentment, stress, anger, sadness, self-pity, apathy, etc.) Stress, tiredness, fear, anger, self-pity, anxiety

Am I  taking care of myself spiritually, emotionally and physically? Not well enough. I try to include God in everything, all the time. But I can see that my focus on scripture study has weakened. I haven't been getting enough sleep. I haven't been paying any attention to what I'm eating.

Am I praying to know what my part in Heavenly Father’s plan is? Uh, no, not that specifically. 

Have I submitted my will to Him in all things? No! I'm trying to get Him to submit to my will. This is where it's the same thing every time. Every time it comes down to my failure to surrender to Him. How is it that I haven't learned this yet?!

What’s going on in my life outside my addiction? A lot of really hard, stressful, exhausting things. 

Am I getting enough sleep? no.

Am I doing my dailies? I guess this is Step 10? In which case, no.

Am I working my recovery program? See above!

Am I attending meetings regularly? Yes!

Am I reaching out to others who are in recovery? Yes! But, not the day of my last slip.

Who am I doing this for? I'm assuming "doing" means "recovering," and that is for me, for my children, for my posterity, for my future spouse, and for my God and my Jesus.

Am I being fully honest with myself? I would guess not. I'm actually in recent denial over being an addict. I so deeply want to not be an addict that I convince myself sometimes that addiction is no longer a problem. Oh, but it is, it is! Every dang day. Sometimes I'm so arrogant. 

Am I being fully honest with my spouse? I wish this was applicable!

Do I have hope? If not, what do I need to regain the hope I need to press forward? Oh, yes. I have so much hope. 

Why do I want recovery? Because I want freedom and peace.

What things in my routine do I need to change to be more successful? I need to have a set time for spiritual study, and stick to it fully and honestly and sincerely. Real intent. I need more Real Intent. I need to set a time of night after which I am simply not allowed to access the internet. Maybe I'll see if I can shut it off after a certain time through my router. I need to get to sleep on time.

What things do I need to stop trying to do on my own and give up to God? Basically everything. I mean, that's the truth.

How do I cope with the shame and guilt I am feeling in a healthy way? Well, there is nothing healthy about shame, so there's no healthy way to cope with it. But, I'm trying to use this burning, heavy guilt and sorrow to propel me to make immediate changes, and to re-ignite my focus. I am taking to God my shame (I definitely feel shame about this, though I know it's counterproductive and dangerous), and letting Him fill up my heart with His grace and love, which He is doing. Oh, how He loves us! I always feel Him the moment I turn back to Him.