Moral Courage

But first, a hymn that describes my feelings about my Savior:

Jesus, the very thought of Thee
With sweetness fills my breast;
But sweeter far thy face to see
And in thy presence rest.

Nor voice can sing, nor heart can frame,
Nor can the mem'ry find
A sweeter sound than thy blest name
O Savior of mankind!

O hope of ev'ry contrite heart
O joy of all the meek
To those who fall, how kind thou art!
How good to those who seek!

Jesus, [my] only joy be thou,
As thou [my] prize wilt be;
Jesus, be thou [my] glory now,
And thru eternity.

Text by Bernard of Clairvaux, translated by Edward Caswall. Italics added

I love it. I'm making this my default song. There's always a song playing in my head. Sometimes that's really annoying. If I don't like the song in my head, I now switch to this one. It's such a beautiful melody, too. Here's the Mormon Tabernacle Choir doing a wonderful job of singing it.

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About two weeks ago, I had a wonderful opportunity to listen to the Spirit and act with great moral courage.

I did neither.

As a result, I was rendered weak and visionless. And I fell, on my 38th day.

My best friend's friend invited her and me to a show. A burlesque, he said. I said, "doesn't that mean it's naughty?" he said no and showed me a description of the show. It looked pretty innocent. I even looked up "burlesque" online and read the first thing that came up on Wikipedia (I know, I know), and was convinced that I had been mistaken. It sounded like a great time. I accepted the invitation, knowing my kids would be at their dad's.

But, I received a strong warning. I pretended I couldn't tell if I was just making it up or not. Looking back, it was like the Spirit was practically begging me to not go. I didn't have to go. I could have stayed home. Why didn't I just say no? Ignoring that precious Voice, I went.

At that point, I should have walked out as soon as the show started. Actually, the first few "acts" were pretty impressive and not inappropriate. But "inappropriate" would be a very mild term for the acts that followed. I should have run away. I imagine if I'd run, I'd have been given strength to put out of my mind what I'd just seen. I'd have received grace, and temptation would have been farther. But run I did not. I just about couldn't. I felt so glued. I was watching live porn, basically. No one was ever totally nude. But....

I went. I stayed. I died. I came home and couldn't get it out of my mind. I hadn't looked up porn on the Net for over three months until that day. And since that day, I haven't been able to regain hope, or diminish my shame, guilt, pain. I have been in a deep depression, much deeper than it has been in several months. I've been overwhelmed, discouraged, severely disappointed, emotionally abusive to myself.

It's a little better today. Today I'm more determined to succeed. Today I'm remembering that Jesus still died for me, that He took upon Him even these last sins. And if I can make it 37 days, then I can make it 38. And so on. So. I'm starting over. But I'll run farther this time.

This Sunday, I'm going to a non-denominational sexaholics anonymous meeting.

I need my Savior. I need the Spirit. I pray for another chance to listen, and for the moral courage to do so.

30 days.... AND COUNTING!

Well on this, my 30th day without giving into my addiction, I am tempted. But I rejoice, a little, in this temptation! Let me tell you why. I was reading the other day in 2nd Nephi, and came to this verse in Chapter 2:

"16. Wherefore, the Lord God gave unto man that he should act for himself. Wherefore, man could not act for himself save it should be that he was enticed by the one or the other." (italics added)

I was thinking on that verse and do you know what it taught me? I realized it means that when I am tempted, that means I have a choice. And if I have a choice, I have the ability to choose. And if it's up to me to choose, then I choose good. Every time I'm tempted, it means that I'm a free agent! It means that I am forced by no hand! I get to make the choice.

I know I'm not communicating my thoughts adequately. It probably seems like I'm not very smart. Duh. Of course I can choose. But you don't understand! I CAN CHOOSE! I CAN CHOOSE GOOD! I don't have to choose the path that leads away from happiness. Yes, the choice has always been mine to make. I just didn't realize how much of a choice there was. I just didn't realize that I could actually be in control. That I didn't have to give in. It was natural to give in. It was a matter of course. I was on a path, a path of destruction, and it was only natural that my next step would be continuing on that path. But I can choose to turn around. I can choose to stop bad behaviors. I can choose! I can choose, I can choose, I am free to choose my own will. I can choose God or I can choose Satan. I can choose life or death. I am free to choose whatever path I want most. I am free to choose whatever immediate action I want most. I am free!

I thank my Father for temptations, for enticements, for seductions targeted at me. It's only a reminder that I am free.

I wonder if Satan knew that I was grateful for his invitations, what would that do?

This is my life, Satan, and I don't want you in it. I don't want your way. I don't want your path. I don't like your ideas. I choose God. Because I can! Because I am free to choose! Oh, what a gift!

If I can choose to be clean for 30 days, then I can choose to be clean for 60 days. This is the best day ever!

Bring back the Said

So, last week at my ARP meeting, I made a stupid choice.

I've been attending for 13 weeks now. I've come full circle! Completed the 12 steps in the group (but personally still, admittedly, on step 4). Ha, my best friend was just asking me how close I am to finishing. Finishing? I never thought about this program having a finish line. I think it doesn't. I think I'll attend meetings the rest of my life. Maybe not every week, but often. I love when the long-time-sober addicts attend. I love the ones who have been free for 26 years, or 13 years, or 1 year. I love when they come and tell their story. I find it so inspiring. If I can inspire others like they've inspired me, then I'll attend these meetings long after I've established a path in recovery.

Anyway. All these weeks, I've said, when it's my turn to share, "I'm Erin. I'm an addict." and then I would share my experiences through the week or whatever, always without revealing the nature of my addictions. I never said what I was addicted to, because it's so embarrassing. I'm addicted to sex. I'm a woman, an LDS woman, addicted to sex. Most of the attendees at the meetings I go to are men. That's even more embarrassing. Some of them are addicted to sex. But it's acceptable and even expected for a man to be addicted to sex. So no one bats an eye when they say "I'm so-and-so and I'm addicted to sex" or "I'm addicted to porn" or "I'm addicted to self-gratification." The men say these things and it's just part of the program. It's just as normal as hearing drugs or alcohol as the addiction. But from a woman? From me?

I decided I was going to make myself tell the group what my addiction is. And I did tell them. If I could recall those words, I would in an instant. I hate that I said it. I hate that these folks, who have become my friends, know that I'm addicted to sex. I expect and hope they don't think it means that I sleep around. But it's awful. Awful. I feel awful. I don't want to go back! Now they all know! I don't want to see them anymore.

But I will return. The program has restored me and given me hope. I will return. It may be with my tail between my legs, but return, I will.

And I shouldn't be afraid. Addiction is addiction. My group gets addiction. I'm sure they don't think less of me. I'm being a wimp. I just wish I'd kept my addiction a secret. I really, really, really do. I thought it would help me somehow. I thought it would be good for me somehow. All it did was mortify me. I am no better for the confession, no stronger.

It was ugly. I am filled with chagrin. I want to take back what I said. Everything was fine when my addiction was a mystery.

Guess what? 28 days today. Yeah! I'm so grateful to God for fetching me from the darkness. How blessed I am.