"Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall."
I don't know who said that. It was either Confucius, Nelson Mandela, or Ralph Waldo Emerson. Quite a pot of possibilities.
It hardly matters who said it. What matters is the truth behind it. Today I don't know if I believe it. What if I fall 5000 times? Does it really count as glory to rise that 5001th time? Or is it just cowardice to fall at that point, and rising is just a futile attempt of redemption?
I'm sick to death of falling. I want to die. Yeah I said it. I want to die. (I did not say I want to take my life.) I know these choices are mine, all mine, and I'm the one choosing all the wrong choices. And I'm sick to death of that. I'm sick to death of me. How is it that I keep making this miserable mistake over and over and over again? I HATE IT. I hate how it destroys me for days. It makes no sense whatsoever that I continue in feeding this sin because I hate it. No one made me do it. I chose it. Why do I choose something I ultimately hate? That makes no sense at all.
I have to stop this evil recorder. Satan put it into my head to give into my carnal desires, and now he's putting it into my head that because I did that, I'm a loser, I am worthless, I am NEVER going to win this fight! It's so easy to believe those lies, but, friend, in the end, I know they're lies. I know that to God my worth is incalculable. I know in my heart that I WILL win this. I have to stop those lies from growing in my heart and mind because that's part of the cycle. I'm a loser, I'm worthless, evil, stupid, a waste-- those thoughts are BREEDING GROUNDS for sin. So I must stop them. Today, that's what I'm going to work on. Stopping those thoughts. At least for today.
God forgive me.
Friday, July 29, 2011
Monday, July 25, 2011
Stuck
I feel like I'm here at this great wall. And this wall is thick, built with brick after brick of my past. And I have to get through it. But it's too much. So I sit here at this wall and let all these demons surround me. It's difficult to explain. I have so many issues to overcome, and it seems that they have all collectively landed in this spot directly before me and created this enormous wall. And it's like I have to overcome all of them all at once. Because here they all are. And where did they come from? Well, my past, obviously, but why now? Why everything?
On the other hand, I'm here at this wall. I've made it here to this wall. And now that I'm here, once I make it through, I'll be free. I'm JUST OUTSIDE freedom! "So near and yet so far" has never been more accurate. I've got to break through this barrier, and I have no idea how to do it, how to tackle all this stuff.
First of all, I need to move the biggest stone out of the way. That huge stone of addiction. Ever since that stupid burlesque-- I just haven't recovered from that. I'm forgiving myself, yes. But it started up something that should have been long in the past. And now, when I could be something like 70 days clean, I'm 10 days clean.
10 days is better than 2 days.
When I was very young, a teenager, I had a dream that I have never forgotten. It was a terrifying dream, at first. I was walking, and I believe I was holding something precious, perhaps a small child. It was dark, black. I could see nothing, but I knew that I was on a narrow path, in a hallway, and that on either side of the hall, beasts and monsters, straight out of a child's imaginations, were waiting to devour me if I stepped off the path, or if I paused. My fear was intense, and real. But on I walked. I didn't walk for any noble cause, or for any righteous desire. I walked to save my life. Even though I walked to live, I had faith that my walking would lead to freedom.
Until I saw the dimly lit wall before me. I was walking toward a wall. I was walking to the end of the hall, and I would die when I reached it. My fear turned to hopelessness and devastation. I had been walking in terror for nothing? I had been walking all this time only to die a violent death?
But in my heart, I knew I must walk on. And so walked I, toward the wall. Soon, I could see that the hall didn't end there, but it was a corner. The hallway continued to the left. I rejoiced. And just after I turned the corner, I could see a room, the door was open, and bright light spilled out of it. I knew I had reached my destination. I entered the room and I was home. I was free. Every ounce of fear was replaced with utter joy, peace, love. Standing there to greet me were two men. But I don't know who they were. One was in suit, but his face was hidden, and then I woke.
I made it. I just kept walking. So, dear Reader, that is what I'll do now. I'll just keep walking. Eventually I know I'll make it through or around or over this great wall. And I'll be free.
On the other hand, I'm here at this wall. I've made it here to this wall. And now that I'm here, once I make it through, I'll be free. I'm JUST OUTSIDE freedom! "So near and yet so far" has never been more accurate. I've got to break through this barrier, and I have no idea how to do it, how to tackle all this stuff.
First of all, I need to move the biggest stone out of the way. That huge stone of addiction. Ever since that stupid burlesque-- I just haven't recovered from that. I'm forgiving myself, yes. But it started up something that should have been long in the past. And now, when I could be something like 70 days clean, I'm 10 days clean.
10 days is better than 2 days.
When I was very young, a teenager, I had a dream that I have never forgotten. It was a terrifying dream, at first. I was walking, and I believe I was holding something precious, perhaps a small child. It was dark, black. I could see nothing, but I knew that I was on a narrow path, in a hallway, and that on either side of the hall, beasts and monsters, straight out of a child's imaginations, were waiting to devour me if I stepped off the path, or if I paused. My fear was intense, and real. But on I walked. I didn't walk for any noble cause, or for any righteous desire. I walked to save my life. Even though I walked to live, I had faith that my walking would lead to freedom.
Until I saw the dimly lit wall before me. I was walking toward a wall. I was walking to the end of the hall, and I would die when I reached it. My fear turned to hopelessness and devastation. I had been walking in terror for nothing? I had been walking all this time only to die a violent death?
But in my heart, I knew I must walk on. And so walked I, toward the wall. Soon, I could see that the hall didn't end there, but it was a corner. The hallway continued to the left. I rejoiced. And just after I turned the corner, I could see a room, the door was open, and bright light spilled out of it. I knew I had reached my destination. I entered the room and I was home. I was free. Every ounce of fear was replaced with utter joy, peace, love. Standing there to greet me were two men. But I don't know who they were. One was in suit, but his face was hidden, and then I woke.
I made it. I just kept walking. So, dear Reader, that is what I'll do now. I'll just keep walking. Eventually I know I'll make it through or around or over this great wall. And I'll be free.
Friday, July 8, 2011
Power in Forgiving
On Wednesday, I forgave myself.
Oh, goodness. I feel so free. It hit me that I must forgive myself. D&C 64:10 "I the Lord will forgive whom I will forgive, but of you it is required to forgive all men."
This doesn't say "forgive all men but yourself." It says I am required to forgive everyone.
That means me, too.
So I forgave myself. Or, I guess more accurately, I am forgiving myself. I have been holding that whole Burlesque thing against me ALL THIS TIME. Holding on to that grudge against myself has rendered me weak. Letting it go brought instant power.
Oh, goodness. I feel so free. It hit me that I must forgive myself. D&C 64:10 "I the Lord will forgive whom I will forgive, but of you it is required to forgive all men."
This doesn't say "forgive all men but yourself." It says I am required to forgive everyone.
That means me, too.
So I forgave myself. Or, I guess more accurately, I am forgiving myself. I have been holding that whole Burlesque thing against me ALL THIS TIME. Holding on to that grudge against myself has rendered me weak. Letting it go brought instant power.
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