Well...I did it.

I told the bishop what I didn't want to tell him. And I didn't die. And he agreed that it was a different version of the same sin.

I'm very frustrated because I don't feel better for doing it. I don't. I don't feel that lightness that I usually feel after confession. What is going on? If I didn't know God better, I'd think He was playing games with me.

But I do know God better. And I know that whatever this is, it's okay. I told the bishop because I felt like I should tell the bishop, and I'm no worse for it. I just really wish I felt better for it.

Actually, now that I'm thinking about it, I think I did gain something from it. I was there, and I told my bishop I had to tell him something but I didn't know why and I'm sorry he has to know about it. I told him I hope he'll forget it the second I walk out the door. He told me that's about how it works. He told me he remembers the things he's told when he needs to, and doesn't really think about them otherwise. Bishop White from my other ward-- my favorite bishop ever-- had said something similar to me once. He said he doesn't think about all the rotten things I've done in my past when he sees me at church or anywhere else. He said when he saw me, he just feels the spirit.

So I'm going to try really hard to forget that the bishop knows this thing about me, all of this thing, that I'm a sex addict, that I look at porn and use my own body for my own pleasure. If he's not thinking about it whenever he sees me, then I don't need to worry about it whenever I see him.

Also, I did it! It was extremely difficult and took a lot of courage. Look at me, don't I look nice in this shade of courage? I can do hard things! I can make myself do stuff that's hard and get through it. I don't think I can accurately state that I'm a coward anymore.

So, I did learn good things from this. And isn't learning what it's all about anyway?

Working it Out

I just got off my knees where I'd been for maybe 30 minutes, talking to a God I know can hear me, but who didn't seem keen on answering me.

I have an appointment in less than an hour with my bishop. I have some things to confess. No new sins, but a new method. This new method is something I'd like to take to my grave. God knows. I've talked about it with Him. The thing is, to me, it's the same sin in a different way. And I don't want to tell my bishop about the different way because it's embarrassing. And I don't know if I need to.

If I'm a smoker, does it really matter whether I use a match or a lighter to light my cigarette? I should think no, no it doesn't matter.

If I'm a drinker, does it matter what glass I use? Does it matter what drink I drink, even? Would I have to tell the bishop that I got drunk from vodka verses wine? Wouldn't just "I got drunk again" be sufficient?

I feel like God isn't giving me an answer here. I have to tell the bishop or not tell the bishop in 40 minutes, and I'm not getting an answer.

I feel like it's not fair. If I don't have to tell him, I don't want to! If it's not important to my salvation whether or not my confession includes the details of my methods, then I don't want to include those details in my confession.

I never want to question this though. I mean, next week, when the trays of the Sacrament are placed before me, I want to partake! I want to partake knowing that I've confessed everything that I must confess. I want to partake without doubt that I'm doing the right thing. I do not want this new, unconfessed method haunting me from the cobwebbed corner of my mind as I chew the bread and swallow the water.

I thought if I wrote it out, an answer would come. But I'm still stumped. I don't want to tell him just because I MIGHT have to. You know? If I can leave this out and worthily partake of the Sacrament next week, that's what I want to do! This isn't as easy as a "just in case." I'm don't want to tell him "just in case" I should. I want to know.

Here's the thing. The Heavens are quiet. And all I can think of, really, is taking the Sacrament next week and wondering if it's okay, hoping I'm alright, wondering if I should have told the bishop. And that's not comfortable. I won't be comfortable in that situation. In other words, I know that my conscience won't be clear unless I tell my bishop. I was hoping, I guess, that God would clear it for me. But, He's not. He's not clearing my conscience. Maybe that's the answer. I guess that's the answer.

Okay. I'm going to tell him. I suppose it won't kill me, though I kindof think I'd rather die.