I Was in Prison, and ye Came unto Me / ONE YEAR

I should really make this two separate posts, but the reality is, it won't happen. So, two posts in one:

I spent time in four prisons today. It was an amazing experience.

But, first, let's talk about a timeline here. One year ago today, I posted this post about what is a Rock Bottom. That post was really a decision for me. That post was about the time I was really working on Step 3, the step that changed my life when I finally DID it. The day before that, I slipped. At that point, I think I had never gone beyond 35 days of sobriety. Never, since, like, 2007. And before that, I dunno. December 15 one year ago is when sobriety began accompanying my recovery. 78 days after December 15, I slipped. 78 days was HUGE. It was an insane improvement from my normal 2 week cycle, and over 100% further than my previous record. Oh, I was pretty devastated that day, but come on, that was a miracle! Even now, I'm still tempted to scold myself and say "so-and-so has been sober since they first attended an ARP meeting," or "so-and-so's haven't taken nearly as long to recover as I have." But, I'm trying not to go there. Okay, so anyway, after 78 days, I did not relapse. It was a slip, and that was it, which is another miracle. Previously, any slip meant a relapse, just about. I only made it about 30 days before my next slip, but that was another slip, and not a relapse. And then! Then I made it past 78, past 90, past 100, somewhere around 150, I THINK. I don't know the exact number, but it was and still is my record. I slipped again back in August and it was my worst slip yet, in fact, it was a mini-relapse. I say mini because it lasted probably three or four days, but it was pretty rough in those 3-4 days. One of those days included a man, and the devastating loss of my temple recommend. And I realized I am still so sick. I realized I cannot be trusted in specific circumstances, and I realized I was still not over manipulating men. I hate even writing that! But, I have found that when I go back and read old posts, I appreciate details like this. It serves as a reminder, both of how far I've come, and of that I need to still be careful.

So that's the last time I slipped. That was 127 days ago. That's something like three times in one year, with the last time having a few incidents. As I write that, I weep, I weep at the miracle! If you would have asked me 18 months ago if I thought I could go one year and only indulge in my addiction three times, or seven or eight times, even, I couldn't have believed you. I couldn't have believed I could ever have such a year. I couldn't have imagined such freedom. I was in a place where 2 weeks was too hard.

Oh, my sweet Redeemer, I am healed by Thy grace.

I don't know what next year holds. Three slips? One? None? Who knows. I'm just working on today. And tonight, as Sidreis says, I'm going to bed safe.

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Okay! Onto the prison story! Oh my goodness! I haven't ever written here about it, but for the past 3 years, I have been a member of a choir whose sole purpose is to sing at the LDS Christmas services in the local prisons. We begin practicing in September of each year and in the middle of December, we take our choir and travel to the prisons and present our program. Every year, it is an amazing, humbling, inspiring experience. My first year there, I remember how clear it was made to me that those who are incarcerated are my brothers and sisters. They are one bad choice away from me, some of them. You know? I remember thinking, my first time, some of these people are addicts, like me. Their addictions are probably more illegal than mine, but who's to say they're more dangerous? I remember thinking I'm just like they are, only free to choose! I remember thinking how similar I am to those precious offenders. Not in addiction, not in sin, but in humanness. We're the same, I saw.

I tell you what, God is in the prisons.

Every year thereafter, I have been struck by how human they are. They are kind and gracious, at least to our choir, and they have immeasurable worth in the sight of God.

Earlier this year, our choir director moved to Utah (hey, SLC peeps, look out for Jenny McKinney- she may do a prison choir next year!), and when she asked me to take over the choir here for her, I eagerly accepted! I was so excited! So, this year, I got to be the director. I have had choir practices every Saturday night at my house for past several months. For as scattered and disorganized I am, it all went rather well. But, then, the choir is full of 15 fantastic women, so not much could go wrong. ;)

Each year, we have some brief speaking parts along with our song selection. This year, I decided to have the choir talk about some of their personal stories of belief and hope. Our theme was "Be Believing." I shared about addiction recovery, you bet I did. In every service, the ARP program was mentioned by the brother who conducted (a bishop or other appointed volunteer from outside the prisons). In my story, I made sure to mention how the ARP program has been a blessing for me. Many inmates expressed gratitude to me, after the program, for sharing my story. One of the Priesthood Holders thanked me specifically, and said he had heard my story before (I think at a Speaker's Meeting? He said a training meeting, so it was either that or a facilitator training meeting I attended once) and he'd hoped I would share it because, he said, "they need it." I was so grateful I was in a place to share it and use my past hell to maybe, hopefully, inspire someone else, or at least maybe offer a glimmer of hope that recovery is possible. Last year I couldn't have done it. The years before, I wouldn't have even almost dared to share!

Today was the day we'd been practicing for. Our first prison was a women's prison, and the next three were men's. As the director, I have a little more insight into God's love for our brothers and sisters who are incarcerated. As I put together the program, I was guided- clearly, unmistakably guided- as to what music I should include, what our speaking parts should be, even the order of songs. I was in awe at how important these inmates are to our Heavenly Father. So important, that He cares about a musical program that will be heard at four prisons in Idaho, by a small percentage of the inmates. He cares about them so much, that He would guide an uneducated choir director about the very songs to include. It is astonishing to me, though not surprising. It is humbling, so very, very humbling. God loves the least of us. He counts us all. None are forgotten.

And, as I was searching the faces of the precious offenders, I was blessed with a glimmer of what God thinks of them. I recalled the guidance I'd had in organizing the program as I looked at my brothers and sisters, and I was flooded with love. And it's interesting to think that I don't know anything about them. I don't know who they are or why they're there. I don't know what choices they made to lead them to lose their freedom and contact with their families. I don't know anything, but all I could feel was love. I couldn't see their mistakes. I couldn't see their sins. I couldn't feel anything but love. And I think that's how God sees us. Oh, He is just, and we will pay consequences for our poor choices, but when He looks at me, and you, He doesn't see our sins and our mistakes. At least not in a way that would change or block His love. He sees our hearts and He loves us no matter what. It's not about what we have done! We are His children, and His love will not, cannot, change nor diminish.

And the sweetest of all about this is, if Heavenly Father is aware of the needs of the inmates in Idaho - and I know He is, because He led me - then He is also aware of my needs. God is fair and just and no one, to Him, matters more than me. No one matters more than you. No one matters more than each of those inmates. He loves each of us, like there's only one of us, and He loves each of us always.

That is what I know today. I saw His love today. I felt His love. I know His love, and how sweet it is to feel it! How sweet it is to feel it toward others, and toward myself.

What a blessed experience. What an incredible opportunity. I can't wait for next year!

Matthew 25:36, 40-
I was in prison and ye came to me.
Inasmuch as ye have done it unto the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me.