Run From Grace

Again, my Jesus has reached out to gather me safely in.

Sometimes, when I slip, it surprises me. Sometimes, when I feel grace, it surprises me. Tonight I was washed over with grace. Tonight, I felt God's hand reaching to me, I felt Jesus inviting me back, I felt the sweet, peaceful warmth of the Holy Spirit, even though I have been walking steadily away from God. Even in the midst of escape from freedom, He comes after me. He is my Shepherd. And it doesn't matter how dark, how cold, how recently He rescued me-- He rescues me again. He comes after me again.

Sometimes Often, I reject His efforts. Why? Why would I? I know what happens when I answer His call. I know what happens when I follow Him back. Freedom happens. Joy and love and courage happen. Healing. Healing happens. And yet, I run. I run in arrogance and enmity. I dare suppose that I can make more of my life than God can.

Well, tonight He came after me, and so clear was His call that I could not deny it nor hide from it. Elder Holland said this, "...surely the thing God enjoys most about being God is the thrill of being merciful, especially to those who don’t expect it and often feel they don’t deserve it." That was me today. I didn't expect it -- not yet -- and I certainly felt I didn't deserve it. But grace was my companion this night, and God taught me, once again, that I am worth the rescue; that He loves me always; that He will carry me if and when I let Him. I believe that it thrilled our Father a bit to grant me that sweet, sweet mercy. Well, it thrilled me too!

I know I have posted this before, but humor me. I wrote this poem a few years ago, and I was reminded of it tonight, thinking about how very, very often I run from Him, and how very, very often, He comes after me. Time after time after time after time- He comes after me as if He hasn't before, as if I haven't thrown sand in His face before. It's called Grace:

Grace
by Stephanie J Martin


I run away.
You call to me softly,
“Stephanie. Please don’t go.”
Your voice in my name, your tender plea,
Makes me pause.
But how can I face you?
I run away.

I run to the desert
Summoned by gypsies and wanderers
Who I suppose are like me
We play in the sand
And hide our self hatred
With meat and strong drink
Soon they all leave
That’s when I see You, arms stretched toward me
I picture myself filling those arms,
Basking in their safety
But I throw sand in your face

And I run away
Because I see water, not far,
And I know I can take care of myself
But, night reveals the desert illusion-
There is no water here.
The desert is Judas! I think
But that makes me think of You
And then I feel You
But how can I face you?

I run away
I pretend I don’t hear You walking behind me
The moon and stars and desert
Are covered in wind-tossed blackness
And the sand is like ice shards
Impaling my naked feet with each careless step
I un-acknowledge every blatant danger--
The serpents’ rattle, the dizzy vultures’ cries, the black-cloaked cacti--
Refusing to accept that I might be subject to their mercy
Breathless, I stop to look - is that a light?-
There You are again
Oh, how I want to, and I think that I might
Run to You
To be warm. To rest. To be loved.
But how can I face You?

I run again
Until, exhausted and sobbing,
I crumble to the sandy glacier
It doesn’t matter - does it? -
If I die,
If the desert swallows me up tonight.
Now I hear rattles and hisses all around me
I dare not open my eyes and witness my death
Oh, I wish I had run to You!
I wish that You could save me now
If I open my eyes will You be there still?
Wilt Thou save me?
But how canst Thou face me
After I’ve run so far, so long?
Just in case, I look.
I see the serpents’ impending strikes

But there Thou art.

And now I hear Thee calling my name
And now I hear Thee calming the snakes
And now I run to Thee
And as Thine arms engulf me,
I find warmth
I find love
I find freedom
06.07.11

After the remarkable showing of Grace I received tonight, I made some promises to God and my Savior. I'm going to dedicate 15 minutes a day to gospel study. It honestly seems so hard! But it's only 15 minutes, and I can do it. Jesus gave me His blood, His tears, His life- the least I can do is give Him 15 minutes.