A Flippin' Miraculous Transformation

The other day, I found a poem I wrote in 2011. I had no recollection of writing the poem. I read it and my jaw dropped, for many reasons. One, it's really weird that I remember nothing of it. Second, I have almost forgotten what it's like to be in that place. Third, it was a blaring indicator of my progress; the miracle of me.

I share now the poem with you:

Lucky Her

"She killed herself," she whispered
Of her friend who died last night.
Then with frosted lenses, she said, "no,
"Depression killed her.
"She died from depression."
When I should have been sad for her,
I was jealous of her friend
Because I have to wake tomorrow
And go to work
Carrying my sins from place to place
Sleepless
Senseless
But that girl who died last night-
She's free.
She'll never choose wrong again.

8.10.11

Three years ago. That came out of my brain and heart and soul three years ago.

I beat myself up frequently for taking so long to "recover." It's so difficult for me to see day-to-day progress. But finding this reminded me of something I'd almost forgotten: the imprisoning darkness and despair of sin-bred hopelessness. I'd almost forgotten, but I remember now. I felt this way frequently. I'd be better off dead. My kids deserved a righteous mother. I'm a disgrace to my family. I'm a burden to the world. Hopeless.

I was blind to hope.

I want to go back to myself then and give me a hug and say, "don't you worry! You matter. Jesus will rescue you. There is hope in abundance all around you! Accept the hope. Forgive yourself. Accept yourself. I love you."

Three years ago, I was so excited to make it to 30 days of abstinence. In 2011, I think I accomplished that twice. Maybe once. It's a different world now.

I do think, still, that my progress has been slow. Many addicts in recovery have reached their abstinence and recovery goals by this point, by a long shot. But, I can't deny the progress. I am surrounded by light and hope! I am surrounded by grace and mercy! And I see that and know that, every day, now. I can't remember the last time I really wanted to escape addiction by escaping life.

The Addiction Recovery Program is a miracle. Using it, Jesus has made me a miracle. Using it, I have come to know my Savior better, and His astonishing, dumbfounding, propelling love for me. For years, I was trying so hard to recover on my own because it never really occurred to me that I couldn't recover on my own. And then I found this program, where Step 1 is, basically, "I can't recover on my own." The program gave me the tools I needed to understand addiction, understand the Atonement, understand grace, and understand myself. The weekly meetings are a constant feed of hope and encouragement. Yeah, sure, it's been a long time and I still slip! I used to believe that my slow progress meant I'm this horrible person who just can't get it right, but do you know what it really means? It really means that Jesus wants me to recover. Jesus wants to heal me. Chance after chance after chance, He gives me. Forever. All the while, He's there, leading and guiding and whispering beautiful truths and comforts, and slowly I let His words sink in and allow myself to believe them. "I love you. You are worthy of recovery. You matter. You are important. I want you with me. You are not your addiction. I'm here. I came to free you. Please, Stephanie, let me free you."

I may not have come a long way since yesterday, and I may be taking longer than your regular addict to break free, but, dang, look at that poem from 2011, and look at me now. Leaps and bounds. That was a lifetime ago. I don't subscribe to that philosophy anymore, the philosophy of hopelessness. I know better, now. I'm different. Jesus has changed my character. This, He has done for me:

"The Lord works from the inside out. The world works from the outside in. The world would take people out of the slums. Christ takes the slums out of people, and then they take themselves out of the slums. The world would mold men by changing their environment. Christ changes men, who then change their environment. The world would shape human behavior, but Christ can change human nature." (President Ezra Taft Benson)

He has changed my very nature, my friends, and I know He will continue to do so as I allow Him to. I am so changed that I cannot fathom ever again believing that I do not have access to hope, forgiveness, grace and mercy. I know better because He has taught me personally.

My Brother, my Savior, my Jesus has fetched me out of the darkness and He is nursing me back to health. My eyes are still adjusting to the light, and so He gives it to me bit my bit. He has snatched me out of the dark forests of fear where wolves hunt and devour. I was His lost sheep that strayed from the 99, and He came after me. I think I am finally tired of running from Him. I think I am finally willing and ready to follow Him back to the fold. Every step. No matter how long it takes. No matter how rocky the path. I know that I can do all things through Him who gives me strength. I know that He is always here for me, with me, pleading for me and with me, weeping for me and with me, always always in my reach.

My new focus for recovery is simply trusting Him. It is no longer abstinence. Abstinence will be a natural reward of trusting my Redeemer.

How I love Him! The very thought of His blessed name fills my heart up with glorious sweetness and gratitude. I am His, and so I rest, and hope, in Him.