Temple

I'm endowed. I have loved going to the temple in the past. It has been several months since I last attended. I'd really like to go. I'd really like to go regularly. I'd really, really like to go every time I have a day off, at 11:00 a.m. I have all Sundays off, and one extra day in the week, which varies.

I wonder what my bishop would say. I'll ask him tomorrow. If I make that commitment to go to the temple EVERY day off (besides Sunday of course), that's once a week, and I know that would help me, I KNOW it would!

I hope he says it's ok. I don't know though; it's been a rough week.

The Next Day

The day after I fail is usually a dark one. I feel sick and incapable. Sometimes I feel very, very hopeless. I'm filled with disgust when I look back on my previous night's choices.

How can I lie to myself like I do? When I search for an inappropriate image or story, I always tell myself, I just want to see one thing, and then I'll stop. But that one thing is never enough so I have to see more. Ok, fine, it'll just be one more search. That's it. Then I'll get off the computer. Of course I'll stop soon. Of course I won't look at actual porn, just this stuff that only arouses me a little, but no one's naked or anything. And then that'll be it, no sin committed.

It never happens that way. Never. I'm never satisfied with that one search that I told myself I'd be satisfied with. Yet I buy into it almost every time. No, not this time. This time, I'll stop for sure. I'm ok, I can handle it.

Always wrong.

One day, I'll learn it. I'll learn the right way and I'll do it. I just can't do it alone.

I do intend to start counseling soon. Very soon. I think that will help, if only I can get to know myself a little better so I can better gauge where my weak and strong points are.... I don't know. I just need help.

the process

Usually, before, I feel really great. Usually it's because I've gone a while w/o looking at porn. I have that moment of pride, look how far I've come, look what I have done!
And then the fall seems inevitable.
Even when I recognize the thought immediately as pride and try to act against it. It seems like once that thought has entered my head, uninvited, it's done. Seems like later that day I will give up what I've worked for and give in to the temptations which do so easily beset my soul. Even if I read scriptures or listen to a conference talk.

Uuuuuugh why am I trying?

I guess it's because even if I can only last two weeks between incidents, those two weeks are somewhat happy. I mean, if I was looking at porn every single day, I would feel so dirty every single day. And I would hate myself every single day. As it is now, I only hate myself two or three times a month. The rest of the time, I can tolerate me.

I'm so scared right now because last time I talked to the bishop, he was serious about consequences. He said it's like when you drive around without a seatbelt, you don't always get hurt. But one time, you'll drive without a seatbelt because that is your habit, and then that's it. The consequence takes your life in one form or another. I'm terrified to go back to him, I'm scared to lose my membership or something. I went against his direct warnings, against the Lord's direct warnings to me.

But I've done everything he said! He told me to stop watching TV. I did. He told me to stop listening to the radio. I did. He told me to start listening to Sherri Dew. I did! He told me to put a picture of the Savior near my computer and I did, and he told me to read Believing Christ and I am. I've been reading scriptures every day--
Oh. I did skip a day this week. Is that why? Is that what caused my fortifications to fail?

Shouldn't I be given MORE strength and not just regular strength when I'm following my bishop's council?

This last time, the picture of Jesus was there again and I looked at it. My bishop said he wants me to tell the picture that I don't care if I hurt Him. Okay, okay. That part I didn't do. I couldn't, again. But I wonder if I'd forced myself, tried harder to force myself, if that would have changed my mind.

I said it in my head, though: I do care if I hurt you but I guess I don't care enough. I don't care if I hurt me.

Then the rationalizing. I've already gone this far.

THIS is how it happens for me. I'm usually on the internet and something, some image, will catch my eye. It's not a particularly offensive image, but it will inspire a curiosity, sometimes about the image and sometimes not at all. Then I'll do a Google image search and I'll look up a word that is totally innocent by itself and hope that I accidentally find an image that tickles my fancy, so to speak. I'll click the image and it might take me to a questionable site, oops. It's so ridiculous. It's only me in the room and I'm pretending. I'll continue searching for innocent words that could be dangerous until I find something awful, then, soon enough, I don't care anymore, and I'll type in whatever will most quickly get me the pornographic material I am looking for.

And then- I've already gone this far. I'm already in it, my hands are already dirty. There's no point in stopping now.

And then I die a little. And I never like it enough. I never enjoy it enough. It's never what I really want and it's never ever ever ever enough to justify my departure from the Spirit. And I do one of two things: 1. Cry. Beg the Lord to forgive me again. Fear and tremble in my heart. HATE myself. 2. Ignore it. Go to sleep. Mentally shrug my shoulders and tell myself, see? I knew you couldn't quit. Oh well. HATE myself.

I feel so trapped. How cliche is that. I feel trapped in a cave without holes, in a tiny space, squashed down by the ceiling and I can't even breathe. And it feels like I'll never breathe again. And it feels like I'll never see again.

Oh, Lord, wilt thou redeem my soul? Wilt thou deliver me out of the hands of mine enemies? Wilt thou make me that I might shake at the very appearance of sin?

Sometimes I wish God would make me be good. I wouldn't mind. I wouldn't mind if He took my choice away so that I could do the right thing.
But it seems like forced righteousness isn't righteousness at all. Where there's no choice, I don't think there's any real happiness. I don't think there can be.

Still, I completely understand John Donne's Holy Sonnet XIV. "That I may rise, and stand, o'erthrow me, and bend/ Your force to break, blow, burn and make me new." and later, "Take me to you, imprison me, for I/ Except you enthrall me, never shall be free/ Nor ever chaste, except you ravish me."

Despite my behavior, I do love my Father and His Son. At least I think I do. Sometimes I wonder if it's really love, because why would I treat someone I love the way I treat them? For that matter, do I really love my children?

NOW

Recently, I've noticed a theme in my spiritual quest. The theme is now. I have a new bishop, and while all my bishops have been nothing short of miracles of human beings, none have focused so much on the present as this one has. It's just what I need, I think. He told me that I can be forgiven, which I knew. He told me that I can be forgiven now, which I did not realize.

That idea, that of instant forgiveness, has since presented itself to me repeatedly. And I think I'm starting to get it. The Atonement of our Savior helps us right now. The scriptures tell us that as oft as we repent, we will be forgiven. Nowhere do they say that once we're perfect, we'll be forgiven. What good is a Savior, and Atonement, to the perfect? When we take our sins, or our sorrows, to the Savior, there's no waiting period for His grace. God doesn't work on the clock.

Yes, complete repentance requires complete abandonment of the sin. But the thing is, Jesus' Atonement works for us right now. Jesus did all the work, bore all the pain, took every last punishment for our every last sin. So guess what? We don't have to. Rejoice, Oh my heart! No longer droop in sin!

Don't misunderstand. I don't believe God will tolerate insincere mutterings of apologies, nor will He stand for lying promises of good behavior. But if you go to God with your broken heart and contrite spirit, asking sincerely for the power of the Atonement to fill in where you have fallen short, He will do it. I think He really will, for He has said it. Mosiah 26:30- "Yea, and as often as my people repent will I forgive them their trespasses against me." EVERY TIME. Do it now!

I've decided that now is the time for repentance, my friends. I've procrastinated too long. I've been afraid to repent because I didn't know if I'd commit the sin again. In fact, I have thought that I would inevitably commit the sin again, so why repent? I'll just wait till I'm done sinning. Can you imagine, if everyone waited until they were done sinning to repent, Heaven would be empty. We're not done sinning till we're dead, and even then, I'm not sure. But, every time I repent, He'll forgive me. This doesn't give me license to repent and then sin, knowing I'll just repent again. The key, I think, is in Moroni 6:8 "But as oft as they repented and sought forgiveness, with real intent, they were forgiven." With real intent. real intent. Real intent.

It's time to stop waiting for the day when all desires of the flesh will magically disappear. It's time to repent now.

At my bishop's advice, I've begun to read (again) Stephen R Robinson's Believing Christ. To any repenting soul, to any mangled mind, hurting heart, or suffering spirit, I urgently recommend this book. As I've begun to read it, I've seen more of the now theme. I'm really starting to believe that I can actually quit my favorite sins now. And I can do that with the help and mercy of the Savior. And maybe, just maybe, I can do that now.

Isaiah 1:18 has been on my mind lately. But one word I've overlooked is the second word of the verse. I always thought of "come now" as a meaningless phrase, like "there, there" or "now, then." Like, "Now, then, let us reason together." But I think it's more like Come. Now.

Come now. "Come now, and let us reason together, saith the Lord: though your sins be as scarlet, they shall be white as snow; though they be red like crimson, they shall be as wool." Come now.

Come now, and let's be reasonable! The Lord says that even though your sins are pretty dang dark, they're going to be white. You're going to be clean. That's what the Lord says, anyway.

Come now.

A Stumble

It was the other night. A friend of a friend on Facebook requested me as a friend, as a result of a respectful debate we'd had inspired by a post by our mutual friend. I don't know how I manage to "meet" people and then talk with them inappropriately, but it seems to be a regular occurrence. We started talking and before I knew it he was talking about things he was into sexually, and rather than shutting down the conversation immediately, as I should have, I took part in it. He even shared some pictures, which were pornographic in nature.

I have a framed picture of Jesus on my computer desk. My bishop advised me to put it there. It's been there for about a week is all. My bishop told me to, next time I'm about to engage in my destructive habits, look at the picture of Jesus, and say aloud, "I don't care if I hurt you."

I remembered my bishop's counsel. I looked at the picture of Jesus and I could not open my mouth, I could not tell Him I didn't care. Instead I said, "save me?"

The Spirit was there then. I closed my eyes and felt that voice and all I had to do was click the 'x'.

I am so ashamed to tell you that I didn't. I opened my eyes and looked at the photo and was so overcome by curiosity that I looked at the site it came from and continued the conversation with the stranger. And at that moment, that moment that I looked back up, I felt the Spirit fly out of me, and a darkness came into my heart and home.

My kids were in bed.

Soon, the shame of my open rebellion overcame my curiosity and I did end the conversation and I did leave the website. But it was too late. I had already sent the Spirit away, and the Spirit was gone.

However, I lingered at the website only for maybe 10 minutes. I recognize fully that it was 10 minutes too long, and I regret it, I regret it with all my heart. But is it not better than an hour, or two, which is what I usually have done? I also quit before the physical end came, and I'm grateful that I didn't commit the other sin that usually accompanies the sin of pornography. I do believe that was a direct result of having the picture of Jesus right by the computer. I'm almost certain that I would have perused other websites and found videos and continued the inappropriate conversation had the picture not been there. I'm so grateful for my bishop's council.

I cannot count it as a victory simply because I didn't sin as much or as long as I'm accustomed to. No, I fell. I am repenting. And I hope, and I pray, that that was my final fall. Why shouldn't it be?

Day 1

I have set some goals. I'm limiting time on the computer, which is where I find the most temptation. But, as you know, the internet can be wonderful. For example, I found a talk today that I'd like to share with you. It's call Finding the Way Back by Richard G Scott. It's wonderful. Please read it. Here are some quotes from it that I found particularly helpful: "Please understand that the way back is not as hard as it seems to you now. Satan wants you to think that it is impossible. That is not true. The Savior gave His life so that you can completely overcome the challenges you face."

Another one: "Recognize that you’ll go through two transition periods. The first is the most difficult. You are caging the tiger that has controlled your life. It will shake the bars, growl, threaten, and cause you some disturbance. But I promise you that this period will pass. How long it takes will depend upon the severity of your transgression, the strength of your determination, and the help you seek from the Lord. But remember, as you stand firm, it will pass.

"The second period is not as intense. It is like being on 'battle alert' so that you can fend off any enemy attack. That, too, will pass, and you will feel more peace and will have increased control of your life. You will become free."

Read it!

Brief Introduction

Hello. For the purposes of this blog, my name is Erin. I wanted to document my spiritual recovery. Today, I am broken. I'm a spiritual and mental mess, and I have SO many problems that I'm bound to relate to someone somewhere along the way.

My biggest problem is that I am addicted to pornography. I am a woman, in a strict religious setting, who is addicted to pornography. This is a sin that is usually considered a man's sin, but I know that I'm not the only female who struggles with this method of spiritual destruction. Maybe, if you're in a similar state, we can help eachother.

Today I begin my journey of recovery. But, before I can recover, I must quit. And I will. Here, I will document my progress. Here, I will document my mistakes. Here, I will document my victory.

Changing topics- I'm a single mom of three kids. For this blog, their names are Ty, 12; Ashley, 7; and Alex, 5. They are the reasons I must conquer.

God bless you.