The day after I fail is usually a dark one. I feel sick and incapable. Sometimes I feel very, very hopeless. I'm filled with disgust when I look back on my previous night's choices.
How can I lie to myself like I do? When I search for an inappropriate image or story, I always tell myself, I just want to see one thing, and then I'll stop. But that one thing is never enough so I have to see more. Ok, fine, it'll just be one more search. That's it. Then I'll get off the computer. Of course I'll stop soon. Of course I won't look at actual porn, just this stuff that only arouses me a little, but no one's naked or anything. And then that'll be it, no sin committed.
It never happens that way. Never. I'm never satisfied with that one search that I told myself I'd be satisfied with. Yet I buy into it almost every time. No, not this time. This time, I'll stop for sure. I'm ok, I can handle it.
Always wrong.
One day, I'll learn it. I'll learn the right way and I'll do it. I just can't do it alone.
I do intend to start counseling soon. Very soon. I think that will help, if only I can get to know myself a little better so I can better gauge where my weak and strong points are.... I don't know. I just need help.
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