A Stumble

It was the other night. A friend of a friend on Facebook requested me as a friend, as a result of a respectful debate we'd had inspired by a post by our mutual friend. I don't know how I manage to "meet" people and then talk with them inappropriately, but it seems to be a regular occurrence. We started talking and before I knew it he was talking about things he was into sexually, and rather than shutting down the conversation immediately, as I should have, I took part in it. He even shared some pictures, which were pornographic in nature.

I have a framed picture of Jesus on my computer desk. My bishop advised me to put it there. It's been there for about a week is all. My bishop told me to, next time I'm about to engage in my destructive habits, look at the picture of Jesus, and say aloud, "I don't care if I hurt you."

I remembered my bishop's counsel. I looked at the picture of Jesus and I could not open my mouth, I could not tell Him I didn't care. Instead I said, "save me?"

The Spirit was there then. I closed my eyes and felt that voice and all I had to do was click the 'x'.

I am so ashamed to tell you that I didn't. I opened my eyes and looked at the photo and was so overcome by curiosity that I looked at the site it came from and continued the conversation with the stranger. And at that moment, that moment that I looked back up, I felt the Spirit fly out of me, and a darkness came into my heart and home.

My kids were in bed.

Soon, the shame of my open rebellion overcame my curiosity and I did end the conversation and I did leave the website. But it was too late. I had already sent the Spirit away, and the Spirit was gone.

However, I lingered at the website only for maybe 10 minutes. I recognize fully that it was 10 minutes too long, and I regret it, I regret it with all my heart. But is it not better than an hour, or two, which is what I usually have done? I also quit before the physical end came, and I'm grateful that I didn't commit the other sin that usually accompanies the sin of pornography. I do believe that was a direct result of having the picture of Jesus right by the computer. I'm almost certain that I would have perused other websites and found videos and continued the inappropriate conversation had the picture not been there. I'm so grateful for my bishop's council.

I cannot count it as a victory simply because I didn't sin as much or as long as I'm accustomed to. No, I fell. I am repenting. And I hope, and I pray, that that was my final fall. Why shouldn't it be?