Lately

It's the same story. Trial and err. Attempt and fail. However, I'm better. I'm happier. I'm doing more good things. I'm eliminating so much from my life that I don't need (i.e. TV, pointless books, certain topics of conversation, some questionable vocabulary, some inappropriate thoughts and judgments, etc.), and I'm adding in many good things. And, whadaya know? I'm happier!

But still I struggle with my favorite vice. And I wonder how long? What more do I need to do? What if I get everything else right but still have this to fight? I'll never be whole or free.

My bishop encouraged me to attend the temple. Today I did so, and was filled. It's been several months since my last trip, and it felt so good to just be inside that sacred, beautiful building. I stayed after the session quite a while, after everyone else left, seeking the Spirit, looking for a revelation. It seems the theme of my study was that I must love God with all my heart, and tell my children constantly to love God with all their hearts.

I'm so sad to realize that I don't love Him with all my heart. My heart isn't His. It's still mine. And I wish, oh I wish, He would just take it! Take it and scrub it and saturate it in His love and mercy, in purity; pluck out every last thorn; send it through a wringer; eliminate every last impurity; seal the cracks and heal the bruises, and then return it to me. New, shiny, pure, whole. Just TAKE my heart, Lord!

But He won't. Not without my full submission. I have to give it to Him. I have to give Him my broken heart, and then He will heal it. Why, why am I holding back? What am I gaining?

John Donne explains it well:

BATTER my heart, three person'd God; for, you
As yet but knocke, breathe, shine, and seeke to mend;
That I may rise, and stand, o'erthrow mee,'and bend
Your force, to breake, blowe, burn and make me new.

Yet dearely'I love you,'and would be loved faine,
But am betroth'd unto your enemie:
Divorce mee,'untie, or breake that knot againe;
Take mee to you, imprison mee, for I
Except you'enthrall mee, never shall be free,
Nor ever chast, except you ravish mee.

(boldness added)
And yet, it just doesn't work that way. Thank goodness for our agency. But sometimes, that agency really gets in the way of my truest desires.

And that's another thing. Why aren't my truest desires winning out my carnal ones? More than anything I want to go Home! More than anything, I want to live in Celestial Glory with my family. More than anything I want to be pure and whole. These are the deepest, most intense desires of my heart. Why, then, do the temporary desires of my flesh overcome what my soul most desires?

"Where is your resolve?" my bishop asked me. I thought about that. My resolve is ultimately with God. Ultimately, I will be pure, whole, healed. I'm giving it up now. I'm in the process of giving it up forever. Soon, my heart will be God's and not mine. And then I will be free. I can't wait to destroy forever these chains which bury me. I'm doing it now.

Here's how I know. I've been struggling with this for years. But every time I fall, and I mean every time, I get up. I wipe the dust and tears and blood off my filthy flesh and I sincerely seek forgiveness. And I know that all those times I rose again, even though I fell later, was good and right and worth it. I'm not giving up. There are times I feel like giving up. I think I even gave up once for several months. But not really, because I repented again, eventually. By the way, those were the darkest months of my life.

I have the power to crush Satan's head. Somewhere in me is the power to defeat the devil. And I will. And you will see it. Just keep reading. You'll see it.

But there is that moment each episode when I feel like giving into Satan. It's a lot like this, actually:


I'm a soldier, fighting in a battle to be free again. And yeah. That's definitely a worthy struggle!

"From on high, somewhere in the distance, there's a voice that calls 'Remember who you are!'"

I'm so grateful for that voice.

"So be strong tonight. Remember who you are."

I think those are a key. Love God with all your heart. And remember who you are. Funny how the cliches, softened by repetition, lessened by simplicity, are really so sharp and profound.

My Bishop

My bishop is amazing. I've been blessed, time after time, with fantastic bishops. I have heard people complain about their bishops, and either they're really picky, or I'm extraordinarily blessed in my wards. Or both.

My Bishop, we'll call him Bishop White. He is very humble and merciful and so kind. ALL of my bishops have been! (I've moved a lot.) But Bishop White, he's particularly intuitive. He's very close to the Spirit, and I just love him. Today, he was a part of something of a small miracle in my life. (Speaking of, he advised me today to start paying attention to daily miracles.) You see, last week I'd wanted/needed to meet with him but when I'd been unable to get a hold of the Executive Secretary. So this week, I didn't really even try to get a hold of him. This morning, I regretted that choice and acknowledged that I needed to see the bishop again. So I prayed that I would be given the opportunity at church.

After Sacrament Meeting, the bishop approached me and asked if I needed to meet with him. Yes, bishop. Yes I do. Thank you.

My favorite thing about Bishop White is he makes himself so so available. I have so much pride and I hate asking people for help if I think it will take them outside of their routine, or their plans. So if I can't make an appointment with the right person, I tend to give up. Because if I ask the bishop directly, well, that's not going through the right channels, and that's asking the bishop to go outside his responsibility.

Except that I'm the bishop's responsibility. And he's helped me understand that. He has given me every chance to get a hold of him when I need him. He has specified that even in the darkest hours of the morning, he'll be available to me! I am so grateful to him for that. And YES, I may be taking him from his family. And YES I may be upsetting his plans, even plans of sleep. But he's my bishop. MY bishop. And if I need him, it's his responsibility to be there for me. And I don't need to worry about his family, or his plans, because God's going to take care of him. It's not my job to look after the bishop. It's my job to take care of myself and my family, and if that means upsetting the bishop's plans, so be it. God will take care of him. Silly Erin. Let the bishop be a bishop.

I'm so grateful that he has made himself available. My previous bishops have also been available but I haven't felt as comfortable in asking them to help me, because of my own pride. It's unfortunate that this bishop has had to color out his responsibilities for me in order for me to really get it, but I'm so grateful he did.

Not that I should call him up asking him what I should feed my kids for breakfast on Saturday morning. But I know that. And I know the difference.

He's suggested I find an antidote. The poison is pornography. What's the antidote? What's the thing that will take as much focus but distract me from the sin? I don't know. He gave some suggestions. I'll try them. There's gotta be something.

Well. I'm committed again. I'm determined again. I'm going to feed my spirit more and more. I'm not giving up and I won't give in.

And the Lord is so merciful and he wants me Home still! of course He does. He's so patient with me.

Scriptures, and Service

I try to read my scriptures every morning. I've been doing pretty well. Sometimes I really hate to do it because I feel like it doesn't really benefit me anyway. But sometimes I learn something wonderful.

Today wasn't really either extreme, but I did come across some verses I'd like to share.

From Mosiah chapter 7:
29 For behold, the Lord hath said: I will not succor my people in the day of their transgression; but I will hedge up their ways that they prosper not; and their doings shall be as a stumbling block before them.
30 And again, he saith: If my people shall sow filthiness they shall reap the chaff thereof in the whirlwind; and the effect thereof is poison.
31 And again he saith: If my people shall sow filthiness they shall reap the east wind, which bringeth immediate destruction.
32 And now, behold, the promise of the Lord is fulfilled, and ye are smitten and afflicted.
33 But if ye will turn to the Lord with full purpose of heart, and put your trust in him, and serve him with all diligence of mind, if ye do this, he will, according to his own will and pleasure, deliver you out of bondage.


___-----------------------------------------___


Something else interesting happened today. I've been in a cloud all week, all depressed and cold. Can't really focus on anything important. I've been trying to repent and feel good again and feel like I'm good with God again, but I'm pretty low. Well today I was with my best friend, and her son had an experience that terrified him, poor kid. Well his mom went to check out the issue and he was there in the room with me, looking so scared and on the verge of tears. I scooped him up into my arms and told him he was okay, he's just fine, and just hugged him, and he cried and cried in my arms. I gave him my heart, my full self, in that moment.

It was nothing. I love that boy like he's my own, and it was instinct to reach out like that. But I noticed that I felt so much better afterward. I was more myself, for a while anyway.

It's a lesson I've learned over and over. Service heals. Giving of oneself makes oneself whole, or at least closer to it.

I definitely need more service in my life.

depression

I don't think there's anything that makes me more depressed than sin. I used to take an anti-depressant but my prescription ran out and I haven't been back to the doctor. I thought I would just start exercising and everything would be ok.

I often seem to think the solution to my problems are a lightswitch. Somewhere, there's a switch I can click and everything will be fine.

I actually thought exercising might be that switch. But, no, I still sin. Al the time.

I'm not sure that I truly love my children but I am sure I don't want them to live without me. So I continue to live.

I do wonder what's the point, though. I'm always messing up. There's a good chance I'll keep doing the same awful things until I die. And that's an exhausting thought. And I'd almost rather just not live through it. But I can't do that to my kids. I don't think I'm THAT bad a mom that not having a mom is better than having me. Not quite.

I'm getting so confused about my emotions. I have no idea what I'm feeling. When I pray and ask God to forgive me, I cry. I sob, even. But I don't know why. Is it "Godly sorrow" or is it shame or is it selfish pity?

It seems wrong that I do all the things the bishop asks me and I am still as easily tempted as if I was disobedient. I just wish it would get easier. I wish it would just get easy. Is that selfish?

I think that maybe one day I'll get it. Maybe one day, I'll make it through all the episodes of temptation and I'll conquer. In that case, God, forgive me.

yet another self discovery

I just found out that I have a low self esteem. How has this escaped me so long?, one might ask. Because I know God loves me. I know His Son loves me. I know that I have incredible worth. Therefore, I figured I had a healthy self esteem.

But, Hitler has incredible worth. God and Jesus love him as much as they love me. I certainly don't think highly of him. And, as I recently discovered, though I don't place myself on the same level as Adolf Hitler, I also don't think highly of me.

The other night I was trying to think of something that's naturally good about me. I came up empty. It went kinda like this:

Well, I have faith.
But not enough, obviously, or you wouldn't be struggling with this huge problem.

I'm a good mom.
But not good enough; what kind of mom puts her kids in spiritual danger the way you do?
Oh, yeah.

Well I love my kids.
Do you?
It seems like I do, but maybe I don't. Maybe what I feel isn't love, but something selfish. Love, by its very nature and to its very core, is selfless. Engaging in pornography is simply selfish. I don't know. I don't even know if I have love for my kids, my precious, precious angels who deserve the best mom in the world and are stuck with me.

So then I stopped trying to come up with stuff that's good about me. And I realized that I have never thought much of myself. I found my journal from when I was 16 the other day, and I didn't like myself then, either. But I wasn't even bad then. Just confused. I also realized that my parents and my family contributed largely to my lack of self love. I couldn't trust them. Whenever I needed to cry, I had to hide. And, so, I thought that having feelings was bad. I still feel so guilty when I start to get upset about life, because think of all the other real problems out there. And, not only that, but how dare I feel sad about how someone treated me, or about something else, when I have a habit that I need to think about, that's destroying my life? That's where my focus should be. Not on petty disappointments.

In my teen years, I wallowed a lot in self pity. It was truly pathetic, and I knew it then. I hated it about myself. I don't do that anymore. It's just turned into self-neglect. I have trained myself to not care about my own feelings. They never mattered to anyone else, anyone important to me (i.e. parents, siblings, husband) why should they matter to me?

I don't suppose this is a healthy way to go. Now, I'm confused about my own feelings, and I'm to the point that I don't even know if my own feelings are genuine! Is this sorrow for sin, or is it something I'm making up? Is this longing for righteousness, or is it pretend?

I'm a mess!