But still I struggle with my favorite vice. And I wonder how long? What more do I need to do? What if I get everything else right but still have this to fight? I'll never be whole or free.
My bishop encouraged me to attend the temple. Today I did so, and was filled. It's been several months since my last trip, and it felt so good to just be inside that sacred, beautiful building. I stayed after the session quite a while, after everyone else left, seeking the Spirit, looking for a revelation. It seems the theme of my study was that I must love God with all my heart, and tell my children constantly to love God with all their hearts.
I'm so sad to realize that I don't love Him with all my heart. My heart isn't His. It's still mine. And I wish, oh I wish, He would just take it! Take it and scrub it and saturate it in His love and mercy, in purity; pluck out every last thorn; send it through a wringer; eliminate every last impurity; seal the cracks and heal the bruises, and then return it to me. New, shiny, pure, whole. Just TAKE my heart, Lord!
But He won't. Not without my full submission. I have to give it to Him. I have to give Him my broken heart, and then He will heal it. Why, why am I holding back? What am I gaining?
John Donne explains it well:
BATTER my heart, three person'd God; for, you
As yet but knocke, breathe, shine, and seeke to mend;
That I may rise, and stand, o'erthrow mee,'and bend
Your force, to breake, blowe, burn and make me new.
Yet dearely'I love you,'and would be loved faine,
But am betroth'd unto your enemie:
Divorce mee,'untie, or breake that knot againe;
Take mee to you, imprison mee, for I
Except you'enthrall mee, never shall be free,
Nor ever chast, except you ravish mee.
(boldness added)
And yet, it just doesn't work that way. Thank goodness for our agency. But sometimes, that agency really gets in the way of my truest desires.
And that's another thing. Why aren't my truest desires winning out my carnal ones? More than anything I want to go Home! More than anything, I want to live in Celestial Glory with my family. More than anything I want to be pure and whole. These are the deepest, most intense desires of my heart. Why, then, do the temporary desires of my flesh overcome what my soul most desires?
"Where is your resolve?" my bishop asked me. I thought about that. My resolve is ultimately with God. Ultimately, I will be pure, whole, healed. I'm giving it up now. I'm in the process of giving it up forever. Soon, my heart will be God's and not mine. And then I will be free. I can't wait to destroy forever these chains which bury me. I'm doing it now.
Here's how I know. I've been struggling with this for years. But every time I fall, and I mean every time, I get up. I wipe the dust and tears and blood off my filthy flesh and I sincerely seek forgiveness. And I know that all those times I rose again, even though I fell later, was good and right and worth it. I'm not giving up. There are times I feel like giving up. I think I even gave up once for several months. But not really, because I repented again, eventually. By the way, those were the darkest months of my life.
I have the power to crush Satan's head. Somewhere in me is the power to defeat the devil. And I will. And you will see it. Just keep reading. You'll see it.
But there is that moment each episode when I feel like giving into Satan. It's a lot like this, actually:
I'm a soldier, fighting in a battle to be free again. And yeah. That's definitely a worthy struggle!
"From on high, somewhere in the distance, there's a voice that calls 'Remember who you are!'"
I'm so grateful for that voice.
"So be strong tonight. Remember who you are."
I think those are a key. Love God with all your heart. And remember who you are. Funny how the cliches, softened by repetition, lessened by simplicity, are really so sharp and profound.
No comments:
Post a Comment
Tell it like it is!