depression

I don't think there's anything that makes me more depressed than sin. I used to take an anti-depressant but my prescription ran out and I haven't been back to the doctor. I thought I would just start exercising and everything would be ok.

I often seem to think the solution to my problems are a lightswitch. Somewhere, there's a switch I can click and everything will be fine.

I actually thought exercising might be that switch. But, no, I still sin. Al the time.

I'm not sure that I truly love my children but I am sure I don't want them to live without me. So I continue to live.

I do wonder what's the point, though. I'm always messing up. There's a good chance I'll keep doing the same awful things until I die. And that's an exhausting thought. And I'd almost rather just not live through it. But I can't do that to my kids. I don't think I'm THAT bad a mom that not having a mom is better than having me. Not quite.

I'm getting so confused about my emotions. I have no idea what I'm feeling. When I pray and ask God to forgive me, I cry. I sob, even. But I don't know why. Is it "Godly sorrow" or is it shame or is it selfish pity?

It seems wrong that I do all the things the bishop asks me and I am still as easily tempted as if I was disobedient. I just wish it would get easier. I wish it would just get easy. Is that selfish?

I think that maybe one day I'll get it. Maybe one day, I'll make it through all the episodes of temptation and I'll conquer. In that case, God, forgive me.