How is it that I trade long-time happiness for a moment of empty pleasure? Why do I work so hard for that which does not satisfy? I wonder if there's something wrong with me, wrong with my head, but then that seems like an excuse. But then, I'd like an excuse. Anything is better than actually being responsible for this sin.
It's getting worse. Less time between each incident. And I don't get it.
I'm so sick. I'm so sick of myself. I wish I could punish myself and purge my own soul. But such an attempt would be a mockery to the Atonement of Jesus Christ.
My chest feels closed, or blocked with some obstacle inside. I just want to die. I just don't want to be here anymore and pretend like I'm a good person. My kids deserve better. Everyone around me deserves better than who I am.
What's the point of trying to give it up? I never do. Maybe I never will. But I'll always keep trying and it's just so exhausting.
I need a counselor, maybe that would help. Maybe not. I thought I was getting one but when they were ready to set up my appointment, I asked if they had any LDS counselors or counselors who would respect the religion. I was told they didn't have anyone like that. So that flustered me and discouraged me and I just don't know where to turn. Oh where should I turn.
You are breaking my heart:-( I'm so sorry you have been so alone through all of this. I wish I could just put my arms around you and just assure you that you are not alone. I have so much admiration for you that you were honestly fighting this thing even without much support (meaning, other sisters in recovery and support groups). You are a warrior. I'm not kidding. And you have a huge divine purpose or the adversary wouldn't be pounding on you like he is. Chin up!
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