How about that Relief Society Meeting?

Wow, the General Relief Society meeting sure was uplifting. I loved it. I am so glad I went. I am so grateful for a prophet who loves us- were you there? Couldn't you just feel the love of President Monson? I know, without ever having met him, that he loves me, that if we were to encounter each other, that I would be able to feel that love.

I think that's neat. :)

I LOVE this church! I love the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints! I love that its message is one of happiness and peace, not of discouragement and despair. I love how inclusive the Gospel of Jesus is, how reaching, how non-discriminatory. How blessed I am to be a part of this true church.

Sometimes, I think I might be better off if I never knew of this church. That way, my sins would be justified. How can I be held accountable for something I don't even realize is wrong?

But I know how ridiculous that is. And I know that even the ignorant must repent. And even if that wasn't the case, even if I was ignorantly sinning and was therefore justified, I could never be whole w/o the knowledge and peace the gospel brings. My testimony of Jesus Christ and of His sacrifice for me often provides clarity where there would otherwise be confusion; light where there would otherwise be night. I love Him, I love my Savior, and I am so grateful that I know Him.

I just wish I'd show Him. Show Him that I love Him.

When I began this blog, I figured it'd be a matter of weeks and I'd have figured it all out and conquered this great sin. And that I'd be full of words of wisdom and encouragement for anyone who might stop by to read. Silly me. It's a constant struggle, one that I seem to lose more often than not. But I'm confident that that'll change.

For some reason, it's like I'm not ready to change. Sin humbles me. I'm at my best shortly after repentance, which shortly follows sin. Why can't I hold it? Why do I not hold that humility? I need to find something else that gets and keeps me humble, because my current methods are counter-productive.

During tonight's meeting, I asked myself this question: "if the only things you ever had to do were read the scriptures and pray all the time, would you then?"

I do read. And I do pray. But it's not consistent. I pray more just after sin. I read more just after sin. The days that follow a failure, I'm pretty great at keeping on top of the simple things that will save my soul. And then I start feeling good again and then I just lose that vigil. What's the matter with me? I just gotta hang on.

Sometimes I'm overwhelmed with all the things I have to do to make it to the Celestial Kingdom. Read, pray, FHE, visiting teaching, go to the temple, magnify my calling, visit the sick, help the poor, write my missionary brother, contact my friends, spend time with my family, teach my kids, clean the house, attend enrichment activities, find a husband, be a missionary, listen to the Spirit, don't judge, ETC!. It just seems like too much for me to handle and it's easy to do none of it since I can't do all of it. But I wonder if ALL I had to do was read and pray, would I then?

I'm gonna do that next week. Forget everything else (besides work and basic necessities of course), and focus on reading and praying. That's it. That's all I have to do next week.

I'd like to start a Book of Blessings.

I'm never tired of God's mercy. I'm never accustomed to His long-suffering. He's there, just being patient with me. I sense, however, that I can't try His patience much longer. It's time to change my heart.