Attack

I've had several attacks on my Spirit the past little while. More than usual. It's very discouraging. It's like, the harder I try, the stronger the temptations become. I can't get away. It's exhausting and frustrating. But I know that if I can just fight through them, eventually they'll go away.

And therein lies the problem: fighting through them. I almost never do. I almost never have the discipline to say no. Unless I've caught myself at the beginning of the desire. At that point, I can usually redirect my thoughts to something more pure. But if I've allowed my thoughts to develop into a desire, even subconsciously, I'm generally unable to summon the strength to dispel it. Not permanently anyway. Sometimes I get rid of the thought and distract myself, but it comes marching right back after a short time. Eventually, I get so exhausted from the battle that I give in.

Some warrior.

I hate war anyway.

Well, my point of this entry is, I won last night. Just a battle, not the war. (Yet!) It was so hard. I was just lying in my bed, trying to sleep, and an idea slowly formed. You know, one of those that you don't realize is harmful at first because you're not really concentrating on it? It developed into more inappropriate thinking and then a deep desire for sexual release. I was just gonna get up and get my portable internet-capable device and bring it back to bed so I could enjoy a little porn to help my desires along. And thus the fight ensued. Yes, no; yes, no; I can't, I have to; I'll feel like crap tomorrow, it doesn't matter- tomorrow will pass... But the fight lasted a lot longer than usual. It was ridiculous. Usually I'd give in after a short self-argument. But last night was different. I prayed. Because, really, REALLY, I don't want this in my life!

Sometimes the prayers don't work. Not when I'm that deep in it. As much as I'd like Him to sometimes, God never takes my agency to choose.

Last night I prayed, a little at first, just asking His name at first, "Father?" Then aloud. "Father?"

Then the counter- forget it, just get on the net and get this over with. The only way to eliminate this temptation is to give in to it, you know that. And even if you get through this one, another will come soon, and you'll probably give into that one. No use fighting tonight.

I believed that. I always believe that.

But, I tell you what, God is so merciful. Last night, He must have given me an extra dose of strength. Call your bishop, He said. It was 11:00 pm. I wasn't going to call my bishop. But then I heard my bishop's voice, "Don't be afraid to call me."

I decided I'd just get through it myself. I sat in my bed and began an actual prayer, begging God to take it, take it away tonight and forever, take my heart from me and clean it up, forgive my impure thoughts and my past mistakes. Please, please take it from me.

He took from me the immediate need to fulfill my sexual desire. Then He told me to call my bishop. In case I ever have a reader, and in case that reader isn't familiar with personal revelation, when I say God told me to call my bishop, I don't mean I actually heard His voice. It was an impression on my mind, a thought that I knew wasn't my own: A. I would never tell myself to call my bishop. I'm afraid to do that kind of stuff. I hate being a potential burden on anyone, and calling someone at 11:30 pm is burdensome. B. I've been familiar with personal revelation long enough to have an idea when something is from God- though I still struggle with that. And in fact, last night I was struggling with that. Mostly because I didn't want to call Bishop. I felt much better already. I wanted to do the right thing. I could still feel the burning desire to give into my flesh, but it was smothered now by the desire to NOT. I figured I could lie back down and drift off, ignoring the desire.

But as I talked with my Father, He granted me peace. Peace brought clarity and I thought again that I needed to call my bishop. Often, I find peace through simple prayer, for any of life's discomforts. As I prayed, the turmoil calmed and clarity returned- I DON'T want to do this sin after all. I don't want it. When I pray sincerely as I did last night, the result is similar. And, so, I'm ashamed to say, that I sometimes avoid prayer for that purpose. Because I don't want the desire to go away. Somehow, if I keep that desire, I can justify the sin. That's the lie I pretend to believe, anyway.

Well I thanked my Father for diminishing the carnal desire. But I could still feel it, not in my mind or in my heart, but in my body, in my flesh! That doesn't make any sense, I know, but I'm not going to attempt to explain it because my explanation also makes little sense.

I figured I'd sleep it off.

"Call the bishop."

Fine. Fine. Even though I don't think I need to, I'll call him. He did say don't be afraid. He did say he'll be there for me. He did say I can call him any time, 2:00 a.m. if need be. I had to go to my car to get his number out of my purse. I ignored the computer as I passed it by, though it seemed to be asking me to have a seat. Haha, I was even tempted to write on this here blog about what I was feeling in the moment. But I knew that was a dangerous risk and I was on the way to the car anyway.

So I called him. And he really was there for me. And he really didn't mind that I was calling him at 11:30 pm. And he knew I was fighting and he talked to me a little about that and recommended that I watch a movie or something to get my mind off of what I wanted to do. I said I'd read a book. I hadn't even thought of that to distract myself. The bishop began talking about stuff that didn't relate to the issue at hand and even got me laughing.

God bless him. Please, God, bless my bishop. I hope that Heavenly Father gives my bishop everything he needs right now. I can't thank my bishop enough, so I really did ask God to bless him, as a thank you from one of His children to another.

So I read my book. And it went away. There was nothing to ignore anymore by the time I put the book down and fell asleep. It was just gone. And I know if I'd not called my bishop, I would have had something to ignore all night. And I may have been able to ignore it, but it may have still been here this morning. With the bishop's help, I eliminated it.

And today, I am liberated. Not totally because I still have some incidents to repent of. But, I'm so grateful, to the Father of my spirit and to the Father of my ward, for their kindness and grace, because now I am not dragging around the sins of last night. The day after is always so miserable. I would be miserable right now. I would want to die right now.

I'm really excited about this. I'm scared, though, because I don't know what happened last night. Normally, I'm not interested in praying when I'm in such a mood. Normally, I want to fulfill my carnal desires, and for that moment, I want that more than I want to be righteous. Last night was definitely different. From where did that extra strength come?

Maybe it was because I listened to the Spirit when while driving home from work, I was warned to not get on the Internet when I got home. I felt fine. I felt that I would not be tempted. But I realized there was no reason I'd need to get on the computer, so I didn't.

Maybe it was because I'd participated in the ward service project earlier that day. Service always does wonders for the soul.

You think? I don't know. But whatever the reason, I was given more strength than usual to overcome. And what if it doesn't come next time? Without that extra strength, I will fail.

Napoleon's quote comes to mind: "He who fears being conquered is sure of defeat."

I don't know...

God help me. Give me that extra strength, that extra desire to be in Thy grace, the next time that I'm tempted.


My bishop was there for me. He really was. That alone did my heart so much good. It's hard to find that. People are so unreliable these days. But he was there. He said he would be and he was. And I thank my God for blessing me with an outstanding bishop who loves me.

Wow this is long.