Choices

I've been considering choice lately. I know that whether I sin or not is my choice. It is for me to choose whether I look at a certain image or search for an inappropriate video. It is for me to choose whether I act on the desires of my flesh. I realize the choice is mine.

But... I don't think it's just about that choice. I think it's a series of choices. A series of good choices will save me. Choosing to read my scriptures and search them will make the choice of do or don't do that sin easier. Choosing to listen to my kids, to pray with real intent, choosing to read wholesome material and watch wholesome movies-- those choices are the important ones. The more good choices I make, the more strength I'll have to make the good choice when my favorite sin is in my face.

It seems logical to me. When I'm in that moment, thick in that desire, it's very difficult to see clearly, to remember what I really want, to CHOOSE to abandon it. It's easier to choose to bring the spirit into my heart in the morning, and keep it there all day.

I'm so close. I'm so close to making it, I know I am! I'm right there, right at that door of eternally discarding my favorite sins. Sometimes my hand is on the knob, sometimes I've stepped with one foot across the threshold. And then it pulls me back. I pull me back. What am I afraid of?

Today I talked to my bishop. I truly love that man. I think he's going to help me get some counseling at LDS Family Services. At least that way I can talk to a Mormon! I think my insurance will cover it, too. I have a lot of issues I need to work out, several of which I think may be directly or indirectly related to my addictions.

He advised me to hold off on the Sacrament a while. I have been. And the temple. Soon. So very, very soon, I will be over this threshold, through this door, and I will be partaking of the Sacrament weekly, and attending the temple monthly. Soon.

Why not now, Erin? Why don't I forsake it now?

Choices. Father, help me make the right ones.