Facing It

I feel like I am my last great obstacle.

"Lord of himself, though not of lands;
And having nothing, yet hath all."
~Sir H Wotton

Would that I could conquer my own self! I want to break free.

I am hopeful that I am at the beginning of another long stretch of abstinence.

I just got home from talking to the bishop. He's a new bishop and that always makes it harder but he is wonderful, just like all my other bishops have been. I was thinking to myself in the car on the way there, why do I even confess? I don't think it does much good.

Oh, but it does. It relieves my soul of this dark, heavy burden of sin. The confession doesn't take the burden away completely, but it certainly lightens it. I am so blessed. All of my bishops have been so kind and merciful, and none of them have ever made me feel like a freak of nature as a woman with sexual addictions.

My bishop gave me some new ideas which will require work. I think I keep hoping that someone will give me the way out which doesn't require work. I just need to FACE IT, that this is going to be difficult no matter what, and I can do it the easy-difficult way (if you will) or the nearly impossible-difficult way. The easy-difficult way is taking care of the temptation before I get it. Finding ways to avoid temptation, and thoughts and activities to turn to when temptation is upon me. Having a plan, and a plan B, and a plan C. Setting up watchtowers, building armor, constant vigilance during peace times so that in battle times, I'll be totally prepared. The battle will come no matter what I do. If I prepare, winning it will be pretty easy. If I don't, winning will be pretty impossible.

So that is my focus now, today. I have to remind myself daily. I have to make myself stick to it.

There Goes the Year

Of course I wanted to avoid acting out the entire 2012. Already, that's shot. And so I'm tempted to think "Well, there goes the year. May as well give up the rest of this year and try again next year."

I don't believe that of course, but I'd like to. Kind of.

But, here's what I did yesterday. I bought an alarm clock. That way, I don't have to take my phone to bed. Usually, when I give in, I use my phone to look up stories online and so on. And I had to have my phone with me, or so I rationalized, because it's what I used as an alarm. Well yesterday, I set up my new alarm clock radio and charged my phone in the living room. That's where it will be nightly, the living room. I think this will also help with my sleep problems. I usually play games and check facebook and maybe chat a bit in my bed until I fall asleep. I soon found that sleep was harder and harder to come by.

Last night, I fell asleep pretty fast. It was beautiful. But I missed my phone, and I'm a bit ashamed to say that it was very difficult to not take my phone to bed with me.

I wish that God would take from me my agency in just this one thing only! I wish that He would take away my sexual desire and then restore it if/when I remarry.

I'm excited about the alarm clock. I think it will help.

I hope God will free me.

New Hope

It doesn't seem logical that I have hope again. I mean, over the past very many years, I have tried and failed and failed again. What makes me think this time will be any different? But that's the thing about hope: it doesn't look behind.

Today, I saw a therapist at LDS Family Services. A woman. If you are a woman like me who is thinking of hiring a professional, may I strongly advise a woman. And she is amazing, genuine (insofar as I can tell, after just one hour), and very professional. She is focused on solutions rather than the problem. She had a lot of good ideas for me, and I'm going to try them. Based on the things we discussed today, I'm going to start to reprogram my thoughts, and my mental reactions to certain stimuli. I now have a plan, things to think about instead. I think it'll help. I'm also going to try very hard to stop being so afraid to fail. This fear is crippling.

ALSO, I'm going to try to find a sponsor of sorts. I just don't know anyone who I can trust with this. I'm going to pray about it.

This is great. I have a game plan again, I have goals. And I could have had a game plan without a therapist, but now I have help, I have someone else in my corner, someone else to be accountable to, someone who has tools and education to offer me. And she is very kind, as well. I really think this will be good for me. I go back in two weeks. I'm looking forward to it.

Most important, I have hope again! Real hope!

God is so good.