Treadmill

Recently, I was in a group work-out session at my gym, and we had to get on the treadmill. I hate the treadmill, when the group leader directs it. She has us alternate fast and super fast, steep incline and super steep incline, and I just hate it so much. My legs hurt. I think I have the wrong shoes, but anyway.

So when she told us to get on the treadmills, I started panicking. I was terrified. I didn't want to do it. I thought it would kill me. I thought it would be too hard. I thought I couldn't do it. My brain was screaming things like "there's no way. This is going to suck so bad. This is going to hurt. I can't do this. I know I can't do this." and the group leader was saying "okay, I want everyone at speed 4, incline 2." and I was thinking "oh no, I can't do that, give me speed 2 incline 0- that I can do."

But of course I did what she asked.

And of course I did it. Then she started her alternating speeds/inclines and I tell you what, it was hard. It was legitimately hard work. I was sweating. I was almost crying (I'm such a wuss!). I was hurting. And when it was finally over, I got off the treadmill and I was fine. In fact, I felt fantastic. Look what I did! And now I feel so good.

It's this fear I have, this fear that's holding me back. I'm so afraid to get on the treadmill. I feel like I use so much mental energy on the IDEA of getting on the treadmill, that by the time I finally do, I'm already spent, I already want to give up. I'm now talking about my addictions. I think "I can't do this. This is going to hurt. I might do it wrong. There's no way. I can't do this," and I stand at the base of the treadmill, staring at it, feeling like I'm trying so hard to run, when really I'm trying so hard to talk myself into (or out of) running. If I would just shut up and get to work, I would actually get somewhere. And it would hurt and it would be hard, but then I would finish, and I'd feel fantastic.

How do I eliminate this crippling fear?

In better news, I believe that I am currently in the beginning stages of a 90 day abstinence. I can see myself, on June 2, 2012, driving the two-hour trip to the temple. I can hear the thoughts I'm having on that drive, thoughts of gratitude to my Father and my Savior, thoughts of excitement to be entering the temple for the first time in so long. I can feel my feelings. I am filled with joy, with humility, with love. I can see the CTR ring on my finger, the one that I'll have purchased for myself when I reached my 60 day mark (about Apr 28). I can see my bag of new temple clothing on the passenger seat. I can feel the longing for the peace of the Temple. I'm there. I can't wait.

I'll make it. Ninety Days. I'll make it.