It's 3 a.m. I must be lonely

I'm very tired.

It's been a while since I've posted here. Mostly that's due to a rather traumatic occurrence that came to a head about three days after my last post. All of my focus has been to recovery. I'm still recovering.

I am two beings. I am the addict, and I am the woman, the child of God. I have two lives. One of darkness and secrecy, of sin and filth, and the other of blessed beauty. It is said "you can't serve God and Mammon," but it appears that's exactly what I'm doing. Maybe not at the exact same time, though. I'm either serving one or the other at any given moment.

I hate January 2012. February isn't looking all that much better.

In case any of you have read my comments to some older posts, and have seen the name of one David Ridley, LMFT, I would strongly, urgently advise you to find any other therapist.

Back to my duality. I've got to become one person. This two-life thing is driving me crazy. I am so upset with the addict me. I don't need the addict me. Why is the addict me still a part of me? This is going to sound a bit schizophrenic, perhaps, but then perhaps if you are an addict, you'll understand exactly what I'm saying: we're very different, my addict and I. My addict loves lust and isn't uncomfortable with sexual conversations/thoughts/behaviors. My other me is completely different. My other me hates lust and loves virtue. How is it that we coexist? Which one is really me?

I made it 32 days this time. :(

Wishing will not make it so. I wish I was free of this hell.

Regrouping. Tomorrow will be better. And the next day. And so on.