My Struggle With Belief

The title is deceiving, as it implies my struggle has ended. More accurately, it's ending.

The past few months have been beautiful and strange. I have been blessed beyond comprehension by the love of people around me! I have been spoiled with love and gifts by "Secret Santas" and friends and family. It has been humbling to see myself and my family as loved and thought of. We had a blessed Christmas and entire month of December.

Through it all, and despite it all, I have been slowly taking back the reigns from God. "I got this," type-thing. "You've done enough. I can take it from here." As it happens, I've already written a blog post about my latest slip! It's here. Seriously, this is exactly what happened again. I tried to essentially tell God and myself that I didn't need Him.

But, this time, it was a little more complicated. I had doubt mixed in with it all. I was beginning to question basically everything, especially the Church.

How can I support an organization when I disagree with so much of its culture?
How can it be the true church when President Uchtdorf himself said it was imperfect?
How can I let my kids grow up in this church when I know it will teach them some wrong things?
How could a baby be born to virgin, really?
How could one semi-mortal suffer and die for all mankind?
How can God hear my prayers when millions of children are praying as well?
Would the quality and happiness of my life really decrease if I left the Church?

And on and on. It seemed to me that I could be just as happy outside the Church. It seemed to me that I could teach my kids better than the Church could. It seemed to me that there were too many policies that made me scratch my head, and too many cultural falsehoods in the Church that worried me for my children. I knew I couldn't catch every false thing they may learn in primary classes or YW/YM classes.

Interestingly, and ironically, the prison program my choir recently did was all about belief. The theme was "Be Believing." The speaking parts were personal stories from the choir members, stories of how belief and hope had affected them in their lives. I shared my own story! I shared this:

"For over ten years, I struggled with a dark addiction. It ate my life away, moment by moment. I was overcome with the core beliefs that I had no worth, that the Savior atoned for everyone but me, that I wasn't good enough to conquer addiction, that I would never be worthy, that I DIDN'T MATTER. I didn't believe that Jesus would do what He said He will do- not for me. Addiction was, at times, my own personal heaven, but more often, it was my own personal hell.

I tried everything to make myself quit. I tried telling myself "this is the last time." I tried punishing myself. I tried will power. I tried prayer and fasting and reading articles about addiction recovery. I tried meetings. I still found myself in my favorite trap. Finally, I made a conscious decision to BELIEVE. It was the only thing I hadn't tried yet. I decided to believe that not only CAN Jesus Christ heal, like He said He can heal, but that He WILL. I finally decided to trust that not only WILL He, but He will for ME.

Since then, the road out of addiction has been difficult, and I have wanted to give up more than once. But I have gained a testimony that belief is a powerful tool. I have found that when I make one timid step in faith, Jesus carries me a hundred steps. I still have a long way to go, but I no longer dare doubt that I can and will be free of addiction."

I seriously told that to people in four prisons and two firesides! I wasn't even paying attention to what I was saying, because in my very testimony were the answers I thought I couldn't find! I even wrote a song for this program, a song about believing. My favorite lines are these:

For when I pay attention, Your hands are on my face

You wipe my tears and heal me with Your grace!

I wasn't paying attention to my testimony about paying attention!

I thought about my addiction, especially after my slip, in relation to the Church. I knew I didn't need the Church to help me continue my recovery. I wasn't ready to give up believing I needed God, because I couldn't deny that trusting in God was what had ever led me to success; led me away from the grip of my addiction. However, I did recall reading some articles of some people recovering without God, so I knew that was possible, too.

I thought of my friends who have left the Church. I thought about how happy and wonderful they are. 

I kinda stopped reading my scriptures. If I read them at all, it was without faith. I didn't really take my doubts to God. But, He guided me anyway. He guided my thoughts and I decided that I had some commitments to the Church. I had made covenants and promises and I owed it to God and to the Church to honor those commitments first. I recalled my marriage, when I was so deeply hurt when my husband went to his girlfriend to tell her about our marital issues. I wanted him to talk to me, not her, but he didn't give me a chance. I figured I owed the Church a chance. I had spent my life believing and loving it, and I owed it a chance. I decided I wouldn't go outside the Church for information or validation till I first went to it.

So, I never looked outside for validation. Not once. I know I could find a million blogs and forums that were anti-Mormon and some that were respectful of Mormonism but had secular answers to my questions that would entice me away from the Church. I knew I could find any of that, and I was ready to seek it after first talking to God, and first giving the Church a chance.

Since Christmas Day, I have been choosing to exercise a little bit of faith, little by little. It has been rewarded, little by little. A soft whisper to my heart here, a message from another person there. Finally, today, I decided to listen to my testimony I'd given to many of Idaho's inmates: "I found that when I take one timid step in faith, Jesus carries me a hundred steps." I decided I would step forward in faith. I feel like I've lost some ground, honestly, but I took that tiny step in faith. And you know what?

He carried me.

He answered my prayer.

Here are some truths that slipped my mind for a short while:

I never had success with abstinence-- NEVER!-- till I let Jesus in and believed Him.
I am happy when I follow the principles I have learned in the Church.
I experience peace and joy when I follow the teachings I have learned in the Church
I love the Book of Mormon, and when I abide by its precepts, I am nearer to God than ever.
I love the Church! Imperfections and questionable cultures and all, I love this Church!
I love believing. Believing fills my heart. 

I'm back to believing. I'm okay with the church not being perfect. In fact, I like that it's not perfect and that I don't have to expect it to be.

I don't fault myself for questioning. In fact, I hope my children ask questions. I hope they question everything. I hope they do experiments to find out the truth. Whatever they find to be true, I will honor and support. Which reminds me of something. If someone comes to you with questions and doubts about the Church, I hope you will not respond with judgement and lecture. I hope you will not respond with finger-wagging, scripture-wielding sermons. I hope, instead, you will respond with love-- SO MUCH LOVE! We've all had questions, haven't we? Instead of "Wo unto you!" maybe respond with the story in the Bible about when the disciples were in a boat with Jesus, and when the storm got crazy, they freaked out, even though JESUS WAS IN THE BOAT WITH THEM! Jesus is not even in the boat, physically, with me, so I'm in pretty good company when I question His power. You know? Maybe respond with "I've been there, with the questions. I allowed myself time to find the answers and ended up where I am now," or, "I trust you. Whatever you decide is right, I will support." Please don't respond with things like, "Anyone who leaves the Church just doesn't see the truth," or, "everyone I know who questioned the Church just wanted to sin and do things their way and not God's way."

Also, even though I've learned these lessons more than once in life, it's still natural to have questions. It's still natural to need reassurance every now and then. God is ever-willing to give it!

Anyway. I hope that whenever we are approached by a loved one or an acquaintance with doubts and questions, that we'll respond with love and with a willingness to accept without judgement whatever their ultimate choice may be. Questions and doubts are not the mark of a weak person, but of a person, and perhaps, a wise person.

I am grateful to be a part of a Church that honors agency. I'm grateful to live in a country that allows personal, chosen worship. I know God lives, and I know He loves me.

Onward!