I've been considering choice lately. I know that whether I sin or not is my choice. It is for me to choose whether I look at a certain image or search for an inappropriate video. It is for me to choose whether I act on the desires of my flesh. I realize the choice is mine.
But... I don't think it's just about that choice. I think it's a series of choices. A series of good choices will save me. Choosing to read my scriptures and search them will make the choice of do or don't do that sin easier. Choosing to listen to my kids, to pray with real intent, choosing to read wholesome material and watch wholesome movies-- those choices are the important ones. The more good choices I make, the more strength I'll have to make the good choice when my favorite sin is in my face.
It seems logical to me. When I'm in that moment, thick in that desire, it's very difficult to see clearly, to remember what I really want, to CHOOSE to abandon it. It's easier to choose to bring the spirit into my heart in the morning, and keep it there all day.
I'm so close. I'm so close to making it, I know I am! I'm right there, right at that door of eternally discarding my favorite sins. Sometimes my hand is on the knob, sometimes I've stepped with one foot across the threshold. And then it pulls me back. I pull me back. What am I afraid of?
Today I talked to my bishop. I truly love that man. I think he's going to help me get some counseling at LDS Family Services. At least that way I can talk to a Mormon! I think my insurance will cover it, too. I have a lot of issues I need to work out, several of which I think may be directly or indirectly related to my addictions.
He advised me to hold off on the Sacrament a while. I have been. And the temple. Soon. So very, very soon, I will be over this threshold, through this door, and I will be partaking of the Sacrament weekly, and attending the temple monthly. Soon.
Why not now, Erin? Why don't I forsake it now?
Choices. Father, help me make the right ones.
Sunday, September 26, 2010
Saturday, September 25, 2010
How about that Relief Society Meeting?
Wow, the General Relief Society meeting sure was uplifting. I loved it. I am so glad I went. I am so grateful for a prophet who loves us- were you there? Couldn't you just feel the love of President Monson? I know, without ever having met him, that he loves me, that if we were to encounter each other, that I would be able to feel that love.
I think that's neat. :)
I LOVE this church! I love the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints! I love that its message is one of happiness and peace, not of discouragement and despair. I love how inclusive the Gospel of Jesus is, how reaching, how non-discriminatory. How blessed I am to be a part of this true church.
Sometimes, I think I might be better off if I never knew of this church. That way, my sins would be justified. How can I be held accountable for something I don't even realize is wrong?
But I know how ridiculous that is. And I know that even the ignorant must repent. And even if that wasn't the case, even if I was ignorantly sinning and was therefore justified, I could never be whole w/o the knowledge and peace the gospel brings. My testimony of Jesus Christ and of His sacrifice for me often provides clarity where there would otherwise be confusion; light where there would otherwise be night. I love Him, I love my Savior, and I am so grateful that I know Him.
I just wish I'd show Him. Show Him that I love Him.
When I began this blog, I figured it'd be a matter of weeks and I'd have figured it all out and conquered this great sin. And that I'd be full of words of wisdom and encouragement for anyone who might stop by to read. Silly me. It's a constant struggle, one that I seem to lose more often than not. But I'm confident that that'll change.
For some reason, it's like I'm not ready to change. Sin humbles me. I'm at my best shortly after repentance, which shortly follows sin. Why can't I hold it? Why do I not hold that humility? I need to find something else that gets and keeps me humble, because my current methods are counter-productive.
During tonight's meeting, I asked myself this question: "if the only things you ever had to do were read the scriptures and pray all the time, would you then?"
I do read. And I do pray. But it's not consistent. I pray more just after sin. I read more just after sin. The days that follow a failure, I'm pretty great at keeping on top of the simple things that will save my soul. And then I start feeling good again and then I just lose that vigil. What's the matter with me? I just gotta hang on.
Sometimes I'm overwhelmed with all the things I have to do to make it to the Celestial Kingdom. Read, pray, FHE, visiting teaching, go to the temple, magnify my calling, visit the sick, help the poor, write my missionary brother, contact my friends, spend time with my family, teach my kids, clean the house, attend enrichment activities, find a husband, be a missionary, listen to the Spirit, don't judge, ETC!. It just seems like too much for me to handle and it's easy to do none of it since I can't do all of it. But I wonder if ALL I had to do was read and pray, would I then?
I'm gonna do that next week. Forget everything else (besides work and basic necessities of course), and focus on reading and praying. That's it. That's all I have to do next week.
I'd like to start a Book of Blessings.
I'm never tired of God's mercy. I'm never accustomed to His long-suffering. He's there, just being patient with me. I sense, however, that I can't try His patience much longer. It's time to change my heart.
I think that's neat. :)
I LOVE this church! I love the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints! I love that its message is one of happiness and peace, not of discouragement and despair. I love how inclusive the Gospel of Jesus is, how reaching, how non-discriminatory. How blessed I am to be a part of this true church.
Sometimes, I think I might be better off if I never knew of this church. That way, my sins would be justified. How can I be held accountable for something I don't even realize is wrong?
But I know how ridiculous that is. And I know that even the ignorant must repent. And even if that wasn't the case, even if I was ignorantly sinning and was therefore justified, I could never be whole w/o the knowledge and peace the gospel brings. My testimony of Jesus Christ and of His sacrifice for me often provides clarity where there would otherwise be confusion; light where there would otherwise be night. I love Him, I love my Savior, and I am so grateful that I know Him.
I just wish I'd show Him. Show Him that I love Him.
When I began this blog, I figured it'd be a matter of weeks and I'd have figured it all out and conquered this great sin. And that I'd be full of words of wisdom and encouragement for anyone who might stop by to read. Silly me. It's a constant struggle, one that I seem to lose more often than not. But I'm confident that that'll change.
For some reason, it's like I'm not ready to change. Sin humbles me. I'm at my best shortly after repentance, which shortly follows sin. Why can't I hold it? Why do I not hold that humility? I need to find something else that gets and keeps me humble, because my current methods are counter-productive.
During tonight's meeting, I asked myself this question: "if the only things you ever had to do were read the scriptures and pray all the time, would you then?"
I do read. And I do pray. But it's not consistent. I pray more just after sin. I read more just after sin. The days that follow a failure, I'm pretty great at keeping on top of the simple things that will save my soul. And then I start feeling good again and then I just lose that vigil. What's the matter with me? I just gotta hang on.
Sometimes I'm overwhelmed with all the things I have to do to make it to the Celestial Kingdom. Read, pray, FHE, visiting teaching, go to the temple, magnify my calling, visit the sick, help the poor, write my missionary brother, contact my friends, spend time with my family, teach my kids, clean the house, attend enrichment activities, find a husband, be a missionary, listen to the Spirit, don't judge, ETC!. It just seems like too much for me to handle and it's easy to do none of it since I can't do all of it. But I wonder if ALL I had to do was read and pray, would I then?
I'm gonna do that next week. Forget everything else (besides work and basic necessities of course), and focus on reading and praying. That's it. That's all I have to do next week.
I'd like to start a Book of Blessings.
I'm never tired of God's mercy. I'm never accustomed to His long-suffering. He's there, just being patient with me. I sense, however, that I can't try His patience much longer. It's time to change my heart.
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
never ends
Last night I had so much anxiety over my kids. I'm having serious issues with them- not that they're being particularly unmanageable, but they have needs that are not being met, and that's due to my work schedule.
I don't know what to do. I'm not being a good parent, though.
And so the stress and anxiety of the situation overwhelmed me last night. Anxiety is a serious trigger. And I know there's something that can totally take my mind off it. But that something just makes my life so much worse.
My daughter threw a fit last night about wanting some chocolate before bed. I told her no, mostly because she initially demanded w/o asking a piece of chocolate, and then continued to whine. I don't like to give in to whines. She kept crying and whining about it in bed and finally I told her calmly that she can either have a tiny piece tonight or a huge piece tomorrow. She chose the tiny piece right away. And she'll regret that choice today when her brothers and I have a lot of chocolate and she does not.
The thing I'm trying to teach my daughter is something I need help with myself. I take a little tiny piece of pleasure now and because of it, I sacrifice something huge, something better than my imagination permits. And I'll regret it when all the righteous people get to partake of that which I want soooooooo much. Giving up a lot for a little is the stupidest sacrifice of all, and maybe doesn't even count as a "sacrifice" but simply as an unwise choice.
God help me.
I don't know what to do. I'm not being a good parent, though.
And so the stress and anxiety of the situation overwhelmed me last night. Anxiety is a serious trigger. And I know there's something that can totally take my mind off it. But that something just makes my life so much worse.
My daughter threw a fit last night about wanting some chocolate before bed. I told her no, mostly because she initially demanded w/o asking a piece of chocolate, and then continued to whine. I don't like to give in to whines. She kept crying and whining about it in bed and finally I told her calmly that she can either have a tiny piece tonight or a huge piece tomorrow. She chose the tiny piece right away. And she'll regret that choice today when her brothers and I have a lot of chocolate and she does not.
The thing I'm trying to teach my daughter is something I need help with myself. I take a little tiny piece of pleasure now and because of it, I sacrifice something huge, something better than my imagination permits. And I'll regret it when all the righteous people get to partake of that which I want soooooooo much. Giving up a lot for a little is the stupidest sacrifice of all, and maybe doesn't even count as a "sacrifice" but simply as an unwise choice.
God help me.
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Attack
I've had several attacks on my Spirit the past little while. More than usual. It's very discouraging. It's like, the harder I try, the stronger the temptations become. I can't get away. It's exhausting and frustrating. But I know that if I can just fight through them, eventually they'll go away.
And therein lies the problem: fighting through them. I almost never do. I almost never have the discipline to say no. Unless I've caught myself at the beginning of the desire. At that point, I can usually redirect my thoughts to something more pure. But if I've allowed my thoughts to develop into a desire, even subconsciously, I'm generally unable to summon the strength to dispel it. Not permanently anyway. Sometimes I get rid of the thought and distract myself, but it comes marching right back after a short time. Eventually, I get so exhausted from the battle that I give in.
Some warrior.
I hate war anyway.
Well, my point of this entry is, I won last night. Just a battle, not the war. (Yet!) It was so hard. I was just lying in my bed, trying to sleep, and an idea slowly formed. You know, one of those that you don't realize is harmful at first because you're not really concentrating on it? It developed into more inappropriate thinking and then a deep desire for sexual release. I was just gonna get up and get my portable internet-capable device and bring it back to bed so I could enjoy a little porn to help my desires along. And thus the fight ensued. Yes, no; yes, no; I can't, I have to; I'll feel like crap tomorrow, it doesn't matter- tomorrow will pass... But the fight lasted a lot longer than usual. It was ridiculous. Usually I'd give in after a short self-argument. But last night was different. I prayed. Because, really, REALLY, I don't want this in my life!
Sometimes the prayers don't work. Not when I'm that deep in it. As much as I'd like Him to sometimes, God never takes my agency to choose.
Last night I prayed, a little at first, just asking His name at first, "Father?" Then aloud. "Father?"
Then the counter- forget it, just get on the net and get this over with. The only way to eliminate this temptation is to give in to it, you know that. And even if you get through this one, another will come soon, and you'll probably give into that one. No use fighting tonight.
I believed that. I always believe that.
But, I tell you what, God is so merciful. Last night, He must have given me an extra dose of strength. Call your bishop, He said. It was 11:00 pm. I wasn't going to call my bishop. But then I heard my bishop's voice, "Don't be afraid to call me."
I decided I'd just get through it myself. I sat in my bed and began an actual prayer, begging God to take it, take it away tonight and forever, take my heart from me and clean it up, forgive my impure thoughts and my past mistakes. Please, please take it from me.
He took from me the immediate need to fulfill my sexual desire. Then He told me to call my bishop. In case I ever have a reader, and in case that reader isn't familiar with personal revelation, when I say God told me to call my bishop, I don't mean I actually heard His voice. It was an impression on my mind, a thought that I knew wasn't my own: A. I would never tell myself to call my bishop. I'm afraid to do that kind of stuff. I hate being a potential burden on anyone, and calling someone at 11:30 pm is burdensome. B. I've been familiar with personal revelation long enough to have an idea when something is from God- though I still struggle with that. And in fact, last night I was struggling with that. Mostly because I didn't want to call Bishop. I felt much better already. I wanted to do the right thing. I could still feel the burning desire to give into my flesh, but it was smothered now by the desire to NOT. I figured I could lie back down and drift off, ignoring the desire.
But as I talked with my Father, He granted me peace. Peace brought clarity and I thought again that I needed to call my bishop. Often, I find peace through simple prayer, for any of life's discomforts. As I prayed, the turmoil calmed and clarity returned- I DON'T want to do this sin after all. I don't want it. When I pray sincerely as I did last night, the result is similar. And, so, I'm ashamed to say, that I sometimes avoid prayer for that purpose. Because I don't want the desire to go away. Somehow, if I keep that desire, I can justify the sin. That's the lie I pretend to believe, anyway.
Well I thanked my Father for diminishing the carnal desire. But I could still feel it, not in my mind or in my heart, but in my body, in my flesh! That doesn't make any sense, I know, but I'm not going to attempt to explain it because my explanation also makes little sense.
I figured I'd sleep it off.
"Call the bishop."
Fine. Fine. Even though I don't think I need to, I'll call him. He did say don't be afraid. He did say he'll be there for me. He did say I can call him any time, 2:00 a.m. if need be. I had to go to my car to get his number out of my purse. I ignored the computer as I passed it by, though it seemed to be asking me to have a seat. Haha, I was even tempted to write on this here blog about what I was feeling in the moment. But I knew that was a dangerous risk and I was on the way to the car anyway.
So I called him. And he really was there for me. And he really didn't mind that I was calling him at 11:30 pm. And he knew I was fighting and he talked to me a little about that and recommended that I watch a movie or something to get my mind off of what I wanted to do. I said I'd read a book. I hadn't even thought of that to distract myself. The bishop began talking about stuff that didn't relate to the issue at hand and even got me laughing.
God bless him. Please, God, bless my bishop. I hope that Heavenly Father gives my bishop everything he needs right now. I can't thank my bishop enough, so I really did ask God to bless him, as a thank you from one of His children to another.
So I read my book. And it went away. There was nothing to ignore anymore by the time I put the book down and fell asleep. It was just gone. And I know if I'd not called my bishop, I would have had something to ignore all night. And I may have been able to ignore it, but it may have still been here this morning. With the bishop's help, I eliminated it.
And today, I am liberated. Not totally because I still have some incidents to repent of. But, I'm so grateful, to the Father of my spirit and to the Father of my ward, for their kindness and grace, because now I am not dragging around the sins of last night. The day after is always so miserable. I would be miserable right now. I would want to die right now.
I'm really excited about this. I'm scared, though, because I don't know what happened last night. Normally, I'm not interested in praying when I'm in such a mood. Normally, I want to fulfill my carnal desires, and for that moment, I want that more than I want to be righteous. Last night was definitely different. From where did that extra strength come?
Maybe it was because I listened to the Spirit when while driving home from work, I was warned to not get on the Internet when I got home. I felt fine. I felt that I would not be tempted. But I realized there was no reason I'd need to get on the computer, so I didn't.
Maybe it was because I'd participated in the ward service project earlier that day. Service always does wonders for the soul.
You think? I don't know. But whatever the reason, I was given more strength than usual to overcome. And what if it doesn't come next time? Without that extra strength, I will fail.
Napoleon's quote comes to mind: "He who fears being conquered is sure of defeat."
I don't know...
God help me. Give me that extra strength, that extra desire to be in Thy grace, the next time that I'm tempted.
My bishop was there for me. He really was. That alone did my heart so much good. It's hard to find that. People are so unreliable these days. But he was there. He said he would be and he was. And I thank my God for blessing me with an outstanding bishop who loves me.
Wow this is long.
And therein lies the problem: fighting through them. I almost never do. I almost never have the discipline to say no. Unless I've caught myself at the beginning of the desire. At that point, I can usually redirect my thoughts to something more pure. But if I've allowed my thoughts to develop into a desire, even subconsciously, I'm generally unable to summon the strength to dispel it. Not permanently anyway. Sometimes I get rid of the thought and distract myself, but it comes marching right back after a short time. Eventually, I get so exhausted from the battle that I give in.
Some warrior.
I hate war anyway.
Well, my point of this entry is, I won last night. Just a battle, not the war. (Yet!) It was so hard. I was just lying in my bed, trying to sleep, and an idea slowly formed. You know, one of those that you don't realize is harmful at first because you're not really concentrating on it? It developed into more inappropriate thinking and then a deep desire for sexual release. I was just gonna get up and get my portable internet-capable device and bring it back to bed so I could enjoy a little porn to help my desires along. And thus the fight ensued. Yes, no; yes, no; I can't, I have to; I'll feel like crap tomorrow, it doesn't matter- tomorrow will pass... But the fight lasted a lot longer than usual. It was ridiculous. Usually I'd give in after a short self-argument. But last night was different. I prayed. Because, really, REALLY, I don't want this in my life!
Sometimes the prayers don't work. Not when I'm that deep in it. As much as I'd like Him to sometimes, God never takes my agency to choose.
Last night I prayed, a little at first, just asking His name at first, "Father?" Then aloud. "Father?"
Then the counter- forget it, just get on the net and get this over with. The only way to eliminate this temptation is to give in to it, you know that. And even if you get through this one, another will come soon, and you'll probably give into that one. No use fighting tonight.
I believed that. I always believe that.
But, I tell you what, God is so merciful. Last night, He must have given me an extra dose of strength. Call your bishop, He said. It was 11:00 pm. I wasn't going to call my bishop. But then I heard my bishop's voice, "Don't be afraid to call me."
I decided I'd just get through it myself. I sat in my bed and began an actual prayer, begging God to take it, take it away tonight and forever, take my heart from me and clean it up, forgive my impure thoughts and my past mistakes. Please, please take it from me.
He took from me the immediate need to fulfill my sexual desire. Then He told me to call my bishop. In case I ever have a reader, and in case that reader isn't familiar with personal revelation, when I say God told me to call my bishop, I don't mean I actually heard His voice. It was an impression on my mind, a thought that I knew wasn't my own: A. I would never tell myself to call my bishop. I'm afraid to do that kind of stuff. I hate being a potential burden on anyone, and calling someone at 11:30 pm is burdensome. B. I've been familiar with personal revelation long enough to have an idea when something is from God- though I still struggle with that. And in fact, last night I was struggling with that. Mostly because I didn't want to call Bishop. I felt much better already. I wanted to do the right thing. I could still feel the burning desire to give into my flesh, but it was smothered now by the desire to NOT. I figured I could lie back down and drift off, ignoring the desire.
But as I talked with my Father, He granted me peace. Peace brought clarity and I thought again that I needed to call my bishop. Often, I find peace through simple prayer, for any of life's discomforts. As I prayed, the turmoil calmed and clarity returned- I DON'T want to do this sin after all. I don't want it. When I pray sincerely as I did last night, the result is similar. And, so, I'm ashamed to say, that I sometimes avoid prayer for that purpose. Because I don't want the desire to go away. Somehow, if I keep that desire, I can justify the sin. That's the lie I pretend to believe, anyway.
Well I thanked my Father for diminishing the carnal desire. But I could still feel it, not in my mind or in my heart, but in my body, in my flesh! That doesn't make any sense, I know, but I'm not going to attempt to explain it because my explanation also makes little sense.
I figured I'd sleep it off.
"Call the bishop."
Fine. Fine. Even though I don't think I need to, I'll call him. He did say don't be afraid. He did say he'll be there for me. He did say I can call him any time, 2:00 a.m. if need be. I had to go to my car to get his number out of my purse. I ignored the computer as I passed it by, though it seemed to be asking me to have a seat. Haha, I was even tempted to write on this here blog about what I was feeling in the moment. But I knew that was a dangerous risk and I was on the way to the car anyway.
So I called him. And he really was there for me. And he really didn't mind that I was calling him at 11:30 pm. And he knew I was fighting and he talked to me a little about that and recommended that I watch a movie or something to get my mind off of what I wanted to do. I said I'd read a book. I hadn't even thought of that to distract myself. The bishop began talking about stuff that didn't relate to the issue at hand and even got me laughing.
God bless him. Please, God, bless my bishop. I hope that Heavenly Father gives my bishop everything he needs right now. I can't thank my bishop enough, so I really did ask God to bless him, as a thank you from one of His children to another.
So I read my book. And it went away. There was nothing to ignore anymore by the time I put the book down and fell asleep. It was just gone. And I know if I'd not called my bishop, I would have had something to ignore all night. And I may have been able to ignore it, but it may have still been here this morning. With the bishop's help, I eliminated it.
And today, I am liberated. Not totally because I still have some incidents to repent of. But, I'm so grateful, to the Father of my spirit and to the Father of my ward, for their kindness and grace, because now I am not dragging around the sins of last night. The day after is always so miserable. I would be miserable right now. I would want to die right now.
I'm really excited about this. I'm scared, though, because I don't know what happened last night. Normally, I'm not interested in praying when I'm in such a mood. Normally, I want to fulfill my carnal desires, and for that moment, I want that more than I want to be righteous. Last night was definitely different. From where did that extra strength come?
Maybe it was because I listened to the Spirit when while driving home from work, I was warned to not get on the Internet when I got home. I felt fine. I felt that I would not be tempted. But I realized there was no reason I'd need to get on the computer, so I didn't.
Maybe it was because I'd participated in the ward service project earlier that day. Service always does wonders for the soul.
You think? I don't know. But whatever the reason, I was given more strength than usual to overcome. And what if it doesn't come next time? Without that extra strength, I will fail.
Napoleon's quote comes to mind: "He who fears being conquered is sure of defeat."
I don't know...
God help me. Give me that extra strength, that extra desire to be in Thy grace, the next time that I'm tempted.
My bishop was there for me. He really was. That alone did my heart so much good. It's hard to find that. People are so unreliable these days. But he was there. He said he would be and he was. And I thank my God for blessing me with an outstanding bishop who loves me.
Wow this is long.
Monday, September 13, 2010
perpetual failure
How is it that I trade long-time happiness for a moment of empty pleasure? Why do I work so hard for that which does not satisfy? I wonder if there's something wrong with me, wrong with my head, but then that seems like an excuse. But then, I'd like an excuse. Anything is better than actually being responsible for this sin.
It's getting worse. Less time between each incident. And I don't get it.
I'm so sick. I'm so sick of myself. I wish I could punish myself and purge my own soul. But such an attempt would be a mockery to the Atonement of Jesus Christ.
My chest feels closed, or blocked with some obstacle inside. I just want to die. I just don't want to be here anymore and pretend like I'm a good person. My kids deserve better. Everyone around me deserves better than who I am.
What's the point of trying to give it up? I never do. Maybe I never will. But I'll always keep trying and it's just so exhausting.
I need a counselor, maybe that would help. Maybe not. I thought I was getting one but when they were ready to set up my appointment, I asked if they had any LDS counselors or counselors who would respect the religion. I was told they didn't have anyone like that. So that flustered me and discouraged me and I just don't know where to turn. Oh where should I turn.
It's getting worse. Less time between each incident. And I don't get it.
I'm so sick. I'm so sick of myself. I wish I could punish myself and purge my own soul. But such an attempt would be a mockery to the Atonement of Jesus Christ.
My chest feels closed, or blocked with some obstacle inside. I just want to die. I just don't want to be here anymore and pretend like I'm a good person. My kids deserve better. Everyone around me deserves better than who I am.
What's the point of trying to give it up? I never do. Maybe I never will. But I'll always keep trying and it's just so exhausting.
I need a counselor, maybe that would help. Maybe not. I thought I was getting one but when they were ready to set up my appointment, I asked if they had any LDS counselors or counselors who would respect the religion. I was told they didn't have anyone like that. So that flustered me and discouraged me and I just don't know where to turn. Oh where should I turn.
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