Maria's Story: "Pornography affected my relationship" from Fight the New Drug on Vimeo.
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
One Year
My first post was over a year ago, and I'm pretty much in the same place I was a year ago. This is very discouraging. I keep thinking I'm almost past this, I'm almost there, I'm at the threshold of overcoming, it's just around the corner. But that's been my mindset for the past year at least.
I'm embarrassed.
BUT. I AM a better person than I was a year ago. I'm kinder, my language is cleaner, I do my visiting teaching (hehe), I'm slightly more organized, I love better, I've forgiven more, I'm just a tad less lazy, I'm braver, my faith is stronger. So, the year hasn't been a waste. I was talking about this with my bishop on Sunday, and he said as long as I keep improving the other things around me, this huge happiness blocker of mine will eventually disappear. Eventually, I will get to the point where there is absolutely no more room for my addictions, when my addictions are so far off the rest of my behaviors and thoughts that I simply won't allow them anymore.
So how do I speed up that process?
oh, I have learned so much about who I am, about God's love, about love in general this past year. And just because I'm not very far along the path of recovery does NOT mean that I'm an unimproved person.
I'm so grateful that all God requires of me is my best. Yesterday, I gave my best. Today, I'll give my best. And I can rest tonight happy, knowing that I've done everything the Lord requires, at least for today.
It's been a difficult year, but a glorious year. I'm grateful for it. I'm still here! And today, I'm happy.
I'm embarrassed.
BUT. I AM a better person than I was a year ago. I'm kinder, my language is cleaner, I do my visiting teaching (hehe), I'm slightly more organized, I love better, I've forgiven more, I'm just a tad less lazy, I'm braver, my faith is stronger. So, the year hasn't been a waste. I was talking about this with my bishop on Sunday, and he said as long as I keep improving the other things around me, this huge happiness blocker of mine will eventually disappear. Eventually, I will get to the point where there is absolutely no more room for my addictions, when my addictions are so far off the rest of my behaviors and thoughts that I simply won't allow them anymore.
So how do I speed up that process?
oh, I have learned so much about who I am, about God's love, about love in general this past year. And just because I'm not very far along the path of recovery does NOT mean that I'm an unimproved person.
I'm so grateful that all God requires of me is my best. Yesterday, I gave my best. Today, I'll give my best. And I can rest tonight happy, knowing that I've done everything the Lord requires, at least for today.
It's been a difficult year, but a glorious year. I'm grateful for it. I'm still here! And today, I'm happy.
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Close Enough
I know that I need to get closer to the Savior. In Bible times, Jesus never turned away a soul who sought Him in order to be healed. I can't think of a single time He turned anyone away.
I love the story of the woman with an issue of blood. Luke chapter 8:
43 ¶And a woman having an issue of blood twelve years, which had spent all her living upon physicians, neither could be healed of any,
44 Came behind him, and touched the border of his garment: and immediately her issue of blood stanched.
45 And Jesus said, Who touched me? When all denied, Peter and they that were with him said, Master, the multitude throng thee and press thee, and sayest thou, Who touched me?
46 And Jesus said, Somebody hath touched me: for I perceive that virtue is gone out of me.
47 And when the woman saw that she was not hid, she came trembling, and falling down before him, she declared unto him before all the people for what cause she had touched him, and how she was healed immediately.
48 And he said unto her, Daughter, be of good comfort: thy faith hath made thee whole; go in peace.
There's that word "immediately" again. Every time I return to God, I feel grace immediately. Even if only a little. You know, it's based on how committed I am. The more committed I am, the more I feel His presence. The more faith I exhibit, the greater peace I feel at that moment of return.
I've given into my addictions waaaay more times than I can count. But, I've never felt anything but open arms when I want to return to my Savior. I know His love, and there is nothing sweeter.
It's so easy for me to stray from His side. I just need to be close enough to touch Him, all the time. The woman in the story knew she could be healed. As the disciples mentioned, there was a crowd, and anyone could have touched Jesus. But I imagine Jesus knew the touch of faith and how it differed from regular bumps in a crowd.
Immediately, the faithful woman was healed. She got close enough to Him. She was right by Him. That's where I need to be.
I love the story of the woman with an issue of blood. Luke chapter 8:
43 ¶And a woman having an issue of blood twelve years, which had spent all her living upon physicians, neither could be healed of any,
44 Came behind him, and touched the border of his garment: and immediately her issue of blood stanched.
45 And Jesus said, Who touched me? When all denied, Peter and they that were with him said, Master, the multitude throng thee and press thee, and sayest thou, Who touched me?
46 And Jesus said, Somebody hath touched me: for I perceive that virtue is gone out of me.
47 And when the woman saw that she was not hid, she came trembling, and falling down before him, she declared unto him before all the people for what cause she had touched him, and how she was healed immediately.
48 And he said unto her, Daughter, be of good comfort: thy faith hath made thee whole; go in peace.
There's that word "immediately" again. Every time I return to God, I feel grace immediately. Even if only a little. You know, it's based on how committed I am. The more committed I am, the more I feel His presence. The more faith I exhibit, the greater peace I feel at that moment of return.
I've given into my addictions waaaay more times than I can count. But, I've never felt anything but open arms when I want to return to my Savior. I know His love, and there is nothing sweeter.
It's so easy for me to stray from His side. I just need to be close enough to touch Him, all the time. The woman in the story knew she could be healed. As the disciples mentioned, there was a crowd, and anyone could have touched Jesus. But I imagine Jesus knew the touch of faith and how it differed from regular bumps in a crowd.
Immediately, the faithful woman was healed. She got close enough to Him. She was right by Him. That's where I need to be.
Sunday, August 28, 2011
Lord, Save Me
And immediately Jesus stretched forth His hand, and caught me. (see Matt 14)
Image from New Life Experience 101
It's probable that I've mentioned this before, but one of my favorite Bible stories is when Jesus and Peter walked on the water. He sent his disciples ahead and told them he would catch up. But it was very late and dark and the ship the disciples were on was already far adrift in the ocean. It was stormy; wind and waves all around. Well the disciples saw Jesus and first thought he was a spirit. It was very dark. The scriptures say it was the 4th watch. I don't know what time that was, but as I understand it, it was pretty much the middle of the night. Jesus tells the men to not fear, it's Him. Peter asks Jesus basically to prove that it's Him by bidding him to come to Jesus on the water. Jesus so bade.
Peter faithfully, I believe, stepped out onto the water. I wonder how long he walked on the water before he began to sink. It doesn't really say how long he walked, only that he walked. And that is remarkable! But then Peter looked about him and saw the waves and the wind. "But when he saw the wind boisterous, he was afraid; and beginning to sink, he cried, saying, Lord, save me."
I love this next verse. I love our Savior's response time to Peter.
And immediately Jesus stretched forth his hand, and caught him," (italics added). IMMEDIATELY! Then he asked Peter why he doubted. "Why did you doubt?"
It's interesting the order of things, isn't it? The instant Peter asked for help, Jesus gave it. He didn't first say, "now, listen, before I pull you out of the sea, you need to think about some things. You lack faith. Why did you doubt?" First, he honored his brother's request, and then went over some things with him to help him learn for the next time Peter has reason to doubt.
Well, this story has been in my head the past few weeks, so the other night, I put it to good use. I had been feeling like Samuel the Lamanite. Not that I was preaching, not that I was righteous, but that I felt like arrows were coming at me. Arrows of temptation. And I wanted to, so badly, give in. And I wanted to, so badly, be free. These to opposing interests always coexist for a while, but not for long. One of them has to win. The other day, my desire for freedom was stronger, and I said aloud, sincerely, "Lord, save me!"
And immediately, peace came to my heart. The temptation didn't disappear. But I was granted a bit of clarity, and during that moment, I read a poem a friend of mine wrote, and it gave me more strength. I realized that in the few hours that remained in the day, I could make it. I could make it just a few more hours. I could take control of the day, and I got to choose how it ended.
After, and only after, I was safe, the Lord guided me to wonder why I gave credence to those arrows that sailed past me. Why did I doubt that I could withstand them? Why did Peter doubt that he could walk on water with waves all around him?
Notice how Jesus didn't answer the question for Peter. It's personal, something we must work out ourselves. Why do we doubt? Whom do we doubt? What do we doubt? Why did I doubt?
Oh, God, give me strength, grant me courage.
I think I'm back!
Image from New Life Experience 101
It's probable that I've mentioned this before, but one of my favorite Bible stories is when Jesus and Peter walked on the water. He sent his disciples ahead and told them he would catch up. But it was very late and dark and the ship the disciples were on was already far adrift in the ocean. It was stormy; wind and waves all around. Well the disciples saw Jesus and first thought he was a spirit. It was very dark. The scriptures say it was the 4th watch. I don't know what time that was, but as I understand it, it was pretty much the middle of the night. Jesus tells the men to not fear, it's Him. Peter asks Jesus basically to prove that it's Him by bidding him to come to Jesus on the water. Jesus so bade.
Peter faithfully, I believe, stepped out onto the water. I wonder how long he walked on the water before he began to sink. It doesn't really say how long he walked, only that he walked. And that is remarkable! But then Peter looked about him and saw the waves and the wind. "But when he saw the wind boisterous, he was afraid; and beginning to sink, he cried, saying, Lord, save me."
I love this next verse. I love our Savior's response time to Peter.
And immediately Jesus stretched forth his hand, and caught him," (italics added). IMMEDIATELY! Then he asked Peter why he doubted. "Why did you doubt?"
It's interesting the order of things, isn't it? The instant Peter asked for help, Jesus gave it. He didn't first say, "now, listen, before I pull you out of the sea, you need to think about some things. You lack faith. Why did you doubt?" First, he honored his brother's request, and then went over some things with him to help him learn for the next time Peter has reason to doubt.
Well, this story has been in my head the past few weeks, so the other night, I put it to good use. I had been feeling like Samuel the Lamanite. Not that I was preaching, not that I was righteous, but that I felt like arrows were coming at me. Arrows of temptation. And I wanted to, so badly, give in. And I wanted to, so badly, be free. These to opposing interests always coexist for a while, but not for long. One of them has to win. The other day, my desire for freedom was stronger, and I said aloud, sincerely, "Lord, save me!"
And immediately, peace came to my heart. The temptation didn't disappear. But I was granted a bit of clarity, and during that moment, I read a poem a friend of mine wrote, and it gave me more strength. I realized that in the few hours that remained in the day, I could make it. I could make it just a few more hours. I could take control of the day, and I got to choose how it ended.
After, and only after, I was safe, the Lord guided me to wonder why I gave credence to those arrows that sailed past me. Why did I doubt that I could withstand them? Why did Peter doubt that he could walk on water with waves all around him?
Notice how Jesus didn't answer the question for Peter. It's personal, something we must work out ourselves. Why do we doubt? Whom do we doubt? What do we doubt? Why did I doubt?
Oh, God, give me strength, grant me courage.
I think I'm back!
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
hopeful
Once, I learned a lesson. I learned that I can choose to rise above the melancholy. I've since forgotten that lesson, until just this moment.
Driving home from work today, I realized two things. 1- I'm depressed, and I'm going to stay depressed until I step out of these chains that I continue to fasten around myself. But I will continue to add chains as long as I'm depressed. I can't seem to stop one without first stopping the other. I'm going to be depressed as long as I'm sinning, but I'm going to keep sinning as long as I'm depressed. Something's gotta give.
2- and maybe this is the answer, maybe this is what will "give:" I need to accept myself. I continually reject myself, pass myself off, ignore my own feelings, roll my eyes at my thoughts, rage at my transgressions. But, if I had a friend who had the same exact problems as I do, even if s/he chose those problems over and over and over again, I would love her. I would accept her. I would never, ever reject her. I would see that she was trying. So, I need to come out of this stupid cloud that sucks up all my energy and denies me joy. I'm beautiful the way I am. I'm good, the way I am. I'm normal (-ish), smart, valuable- just the way I am. And I need to accept myself the way I am. No more of this treating myself like I don't matter because of how I choose. I wouldn't matter any more or less if my choices were different one way or the other. In fact, and I realized this today driving on Eagle Rd, I don't believe there's anyone more important to God than I am. The converse is certainly also true; no one is less important to God than I am. But that just means that the playing field is level, and that I have a shot at Celestial Glory.
I've had this come into my life several times as of late, this recognition that I MATTER! I matter to God, and I need to start mattering to my own self. I would never reject a suffering soul exactly like mine if it wasn't in myself.
I'm important, and I am needed. And now, I'll go spend some time with the little angels who need me most: my children.
PS, when I'm "60 days clean" I'm going to buy myself a lovely CTR ring. :) As of right now, that date is Oct 12.
Driving home from work today, I realized two things. 1- I'm depressed, and I'm going to stay depressed until I step out of these chains that I continue to fasten around myself. But I will continue to add chains as long as I'm depressed. I can't seem to stop one without first stopping the other. I'm going to be depressed as long as I'm sinning, but I'm going to keep sinning as long as I'm depressed. Something's gotta give.
2- and maybe this is the answer, maybe this is what will "give:" I need to accept myself. I continually reject myself, pass myself off, ignore my own feelings, roll my eyes at my thoughts, rage at my transgressions. But, if I had a friend who had the same exact problems as I do, even if s/he chose those problems over and over and over again, I would love her. I would accept her. I would never, ever reject her. I would see that she was trying. So, I need to come out of this stupid cloud that sucks up all my energy and denies me joy. I'm beautiful the way I am. I'm good, the way I am. I'm normal (-ish), smart, valuable- just the way I am. And I need to accept myself the way I am. No more of this treating myself like I don't matter because of how I choose. I wouldn't matter any more or less if my choices were different one way or the other. In fact, and I realized this today driving on Eagle Rd, I don't believe there's anyone more important to God than I am. The converse is certainly also true; no one is less important to God than I am. But that just means that the playing field is level, and that I have a shot at Celestial Glory.
I've had this come into my life several times as of late, this recognition that I MATTER! I matter to God, and I need to start mattering to my own self. I would never reject a suffering soul exactly like mine if it wasn't in myself.
I'm important, and I am needed. And now, I'll go spend some time with the little angels who need me most: my children.
PS, when I'm "60 days clean" I'm going to buy myself a lovely CTR ring. :) As of right now, that date is Oct 12.
Sunday, August 7, 2011
It's the Simple Things that Save Us
To be very honest, I've been struggling lately with my testimony. Recently, someone close to me, in my family, left the church. She and her husband decided that they know it's not true, that they know leaving the church is the best thing for them and their family. I'm surprised at how much their decision affected me personally. I was shocked, for one, and at first I was just devastated. I cried a lot. I knew they were making the wrong decision. I knew it.
But then I thought some more about it and I wasn't so sure. This family member is very smart, caring, wonderful and good. And she still is, and still will be, of course. I started to think how does this happen? How does one who was so firmly grounded in the Church decide it's not true anymore? I knew there MUST be a reason. She wouldn't do this without thought and maybe even prayer, and anyway, I started to question some things. I've questioned things about the Church before, but NEVER with the idea that maybe the Church isn't the true Church. So these doubts and questions started filling my mind.
I haven't cleared them all up yet, but here's what I can't deny:
-God's love. I have felt His love and I can't ever, ever deny it. Nor can I adequately explain it. To KNOW God loves you and to FEEL His love are different. I know He loves me all the time. I don't FEEL that love all the time. I couldn't! It would be overwhelming! But there have been special, sacred moments when I have been on my knees, sometimes pleading for remission, sometimes praising and thanking my God for the Atonement, and in those moments I have felt God's love. In my life, I've experienced a lot of wonderful things. I've been lucky to fall in love twice. I've experienced the joy of marriage. I've experienced the incredible, incomparable joy of bearing and raising children. None of that compares to what I felt when my Father visited me with His sweet, sweet love. If you want to feel that, ask for it. Nothing is so exquisite, nothing is so deeply peaceful, nothing is so sweet. Those memories keep me going. If that's what Heaven is like, then that's where I want to be. I want to be able to feel that Love all the time. For now, it's too overwhelmingly beautiful to carry with me always. I would collapse beneath its humbling power!
-Jesus' work. He has worked so hard for me. I can't deny that. I have felt Him fetch me from the darkness time after time. I have felt the healing His Sacrifice offers. I know that He AND my Father both separately, individually, deeply love me. No one loves me like They do. From Them, I begin to understand my worth.
-The Holy Ghost's promptings. Remember the burlesque? I had a POWERFUL warning to NOT attend. I had no idea what I was getting myself into. By all accounts, I was attending a fun variety show. But I KNOW that I was warned by the Spirit to decline the invitation and stay home. I ignored that, and am STILL suffering the consequences. I even told my friend "I have a bad feeling about this. Please drive carefully." I wish I would have listened. But the point is, I was divinely inspired to avoid that horrible show. Undeniable.
Here's another thing. When I consistently and sincerely search the scriptures, I am cloaked with a peaceful protection. With few exceptions, the days I fall are days I haven't read the scriptures. When I pray all through the day, I am protected. When I have the Spirit close to me, carnal desires flee. I cannot deny that, either.
So, if reading the Book of Mormon brings me peace, power and protection, and even energy-- it must be a good book. If praying brings me peace amidst chaos, clarity from confusion-- it must be a good thing. I believe, my friends, that it is these simple things that ultimately bring us salvation from everything that seeks to destroy and imprison us. How easy it is to dedicate a few minutes to study holy words, and a few minutes to speak to our Creator. Sometimes I wonder why I avoid them if they're so easy.
This week, I'll focus on reading my scriptures EVERY DAY with intent to have the Spirit in my life.
It's a good day. :D
But then I thought some more about it and I wasn't so sure. This family member is very smart, caring, wonderful and good. And she still is, and still will be, of course. I started to think how does this happen? How does one who was so firmly grounded in the Church decide it's not true anymore? I knew there MUST be a reason. She wouldn't do this without thought and maybe even prayer, and anyway, I started to question some things. I've questioned things about the Church before, but NEVER with the idea that maybe the Church isn't the true Church. So these doubts and questions started filling my mind.
I haven't cleared them all up yet, but here's what I can't deny:
-God's love. I have felt His love and I can't ever, ever deny it. Nor can I adequately explain it. To KNOW God loves you and to FEEL His love are different. I know He loves me all the time. I don't FEEL that love all the time. I couldn't! It would be overwhelming! But there have been special, sacred moments when I have been on my knees, sometimes pleading for remission, sometimes praising and thanking my God for the Atonement, and in those moments I have felt God's love. In my life, I've experienced a lot of wonderful things. I've been lucky to fall in love twice. I've experienced the joy of marriage. I've experienced the incredible, incomparable joy of bearing and raising children. None of that compares to what I felt when my Father visited me with His sweet, sweet love. If you want to feel that, ask for it. Nothing is so exquisite, nothing is so deeply peaceful, nothing is so sweet. Those memories keep me going. If that's what Heaven is like, then that's where I want to be. I want to be able to feel that Love all the time. For now, it's too overwhelmingly beautiful to carry with me always. I would collapse beneath its humbling power!
-Jesus' work. He has worked so hard for me. I can't deny that. I have felt Him fetch me from the darkness time after time. I have felt the healing His Sacrifice offers. I know that He AND my Father both separately, individually, deeply love me. No one loves me like They do. From Them, I begin to understand my worth.
-The Holy Ghost's promptings. Remember the burlesque? I had a POWERFUL warning to NOT attend. I had no idea what I was getting myself into. By all accounts, I was attending a fun variety show. But I KNOW that I was warned by the Spirit to decline the invitation and stay home. I ignored that, and am STILL suffering the consequences. I even told my friend "I have a bad feeling about this. Please drive carefully." I wish I would have listened. But the point is, I was divinely inspired to avoid that horrible show. Undeniable.
Here's another thing. When I consistently and sincerely search the scriptures, I am cloaked with a peaceful protection. With few exceptions, the days I fall are days I haven't read the scriptures. When I pray all through the day, I am protected. When I have the Spirit close to me, carnal desires flee. I cannot deny that, either.
So, if reading the Book of Mormon brings me peace, power and protection, and even energy-- it must be a good book. If praying brings me peace amidst chaos, clarity from confusion-- it must be a good thing. I believe, my friends, that it is these simple things that ultimately bring us salvation from everything that seeks to destroy and imprison us. How easy it is to dedicate a few minutes to study holy words, and a few minutes to speak to our Creator. Sometimes I wonder why I avoid them if they're so easy.
This week, I'll focus on reading my scriptures EVERY DAY with intent to have the Spirit in my life.
It's a good day. :D
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