Self Salvation

It's what I want. I want to be able to save myself. Maybe so I can have the glory? So I can say *I* did this. I got here alone. So I can have something to be proud of? Yes, perhaps that's it.

At any rate, I can't save myself. Yeah, I dug this pit. Yep, I jumped in, knowing full well I would be trapped. Yes, this is my doing, but I cannot save myself! This is what Step 1 means, I think- "Admit that you, of yourself, are powerless to overcome your addictions and that your life has become unmanageable."

I am powerless to overcome this addiction. I am holding on to power as though it is mine, as though I have it; but it is not, and I do not. *I* want to be the one to climb out of this pit! I want to be the one, the ONE. Because if someone else saves me, then I'm wrong. If someone else saves me, then I have to give up all credit.

But I'm wrong! I'm finally seeing how wrong I am. I'm finally seeing that the power to save me is in Jesus' pierced hands. I have to give it to Him, give to Him what is His. I am powerless because the power I think I should have doesn't belong to me. That's why I can't use it. I'm not God! I'm not Jesus Christ! I am not the One who paid for my salvation. I am NOT the ONE. Who do I think I am? D&C 122:8- The Son of Man hath descended below them all. Art thou greater than he?

It is time to give it up.

I read this today: Helaman 5:9 O remember, remember, my sons, the words which king Benjamin spake unto his people; yea, remember that there is no other way nor means whereby man can be saved, only through the atoning blood of Jesus Christ, who shall come; yea, remember that he cometh to redeem the world.

and it hit me hard. I remember a seminary teacher telling me that when the word "remember" is used twice in a row in the Book of Mormon, that I should pay attention! So I read that, and snapped out of my duty-reading. And I heard it, I heard the message to me. O remember, remember, my daughter, remember that there is no other way nor means whereby you, Erin, can be saved, only through the atoning blood of Jesus Christ, who shall come; yea, remember that he cometh to redeem the world.

And I heard "you cannot save yourself! I did not give you the power to do so; I gave it to Jesus. You are redeemed, but not by your hand. There is no other way nor means whereby you can be saved, only through the blood of Jesus. Now, stop trying to take that away from Him."

I've got to stop trying to save myself. It cannot be done. The glory of my redemption isn't mine! The power to save me doesn't belong to me.

Do you see how deep is my pride?

It's not I'm powerless because it's too hard; it's I'm powerless because I have NO POWER to save myself, to free myself from this addiction. Trying to take that power from my Savior is counterproductive.

So, now that I realize that I cannot save myself, the next step is to trust Jesus to save me.

Verses 10 and 11 of the Helaman 5: 10 And remember also . . . that the Lord surely should come to redeem his people, but that he should not come to redeem them in their sins, but to redeem them from their sins.

I'm still struggling with what this means. What does in my sins vs from my sins mean? I think it's just that I will not be saved WITH sin. I will be saved without sin. Rescued, really, from sin, from my sins. And isn't that beautiful? I'm not a packaged deal! These sins that I despise can be put off of me, because Jesus came to save me FROM them. They will not be a part of me, if I choose to partake of the Atonement. When I am redeemed, my sins will not be a part of me anymore. I think that's what it means to be redeemed from my sins.

11 And he hath power given unto him from the Father [Jesus' power-- not mine!]to redeem them from their sins because of repentance; therefore he hath sent his angels to declare the tidings of the conditions of repentance, which bringeth unto the power of the Redeemer, unto the salvation of their souls.

So repentance is MY choice. Salvation-- not in my control! But repentance is my key to the great door of Salvation, which Jesus has the power to open. Repentance is what brings the power of the Redeemer unto the salvation of my soul! When I think of the power that He has, and that by repenting I can have access to that power-- that's amazing. The power isn't MINE, but I can be affected by it, saved by it, if I repent.

I love this Gospel. I love my Savior. I am trying, now, to give up this power that never was mine, to admit truly and honestly that I am powerless to overcome my addictions. But that Jesus Christ is powerful to save me from my sins.

Onward! I'm a week clean right now, is all. But, I'm learning.

So Many Excuses

I work myself into a frenzy. I get a little crazy with all the things I have to do, and I wonder, did I put everything off till this moment so I would have an excuse to go nuts? So I would have an excuse to seek a distraction?

You know what, Erin? Look at it in the eye. Face it. Yeah, I did this to myself. Yeah, I should have done more last week. Yeah, that's right, this is MY FAULT; MY PROBLEM, and it DOESN'T give me license to sin. Moreover, seeking that pornographic distraction will only do more harm to the current situation, the very situation I'm trying to run away from. It will still be there after my "escape."

Oh. I see. I think that's why I prolong it so much. That's why I keep finding images and videos before the climatic conclusion. Often I wonder "If I want to masturbate, why not just do it instead of looking at all this trash? And yet I look and look. Maybe because subconsciously, I know that when it's done I have to return to reality. I still have tests and homework due. I still have a house to clean. I still have children to feed. But when I'm IN my sin, I don't think of any of that.

LIES.

I'm not crazy. I'm just WRONG. Getting myself to this stage of frenzy, of panic, doesn't do me any good. All my fears that control me-- they're just lies. I'm just WRONG. Panicking at a restaurant because I don't know whether to pay the cashier or at the counter isn't me being psycho, it's me being WRONG. It DOESN'T MATTER. I'm wrong that it's a big deal.

I'm overwhelmed now because I am very far behind in school. I want everyone to pity me and cater to me. I don't want to face it. Whenever I'm overwhelmed, my very first thought is porn. When I look to see how much longer the homework chapter is, and it's many many pages long, instead of taking a breath and plowing through, I think of turning to porn. This is counter productive in so many ways. It's NOT GOING TO MAKE IT GO AWAY!! When I'm finished with the sin, guess what, I still have many many pages of homework to do. And now I can't do it because I'm too depressed and I tell myself I don't deserve an A anyway so there's no point in finishing. I deserve to fail school because of what I just did.

And do I put myself in that lying depression on purpose? As an EXCUSE to FAIL? Do I WANT to fail?

I think perhaps that I feel right with failure. I feel like it makes sense to fail. It makes sense to be sad and lonely and depressed. Something about that just feels RIGHT. But that's wrong. That's where I'm wrong. Men are that they might have joy. I have this belief that I'm supposed to be sad. When I feel sorrow for my sins, I feel RIGHT. When I cry, it feels right!

Why is that? Why do I feel so good when I feel like hell?

Class is starting soon and today I'm going.

Never Felt Crazier

My addiction is progressing.

I'm all out of whack. I imagine this post will be odd and disconnected. I've been meaning to write for a long time but every time I get on here, I stare at the blank screen because what I want to say isn't formed into words. So today I'm just writing.

It's the fear, really. Today I have an appointment with my therapist. First time I'll see her since I ruined my Temple goal. I'll tell her everything and I wonder if she will be able to help me.

So much fear. My heart is seized with it. It encircles my heart and it's so big that it obstructs my lungs. It's like I can't breathe well. I don't even really know what I'm afraid of. I can't think of it. Failure I guess.

God never punishes me. MAYBE the reason I insist on punishing myself is because maybe it seems like if I punish myself, He won't punish me.

I should just let Him be God. I want to turn my life over to Him. But I'm afraid to. I don't want to admit that I can't take care of myself. I don't want to admit that I can't fix this.

I don't know what's real. I think I'm living my rock bottom. I hope I'm living my rock bottom. I keep waiting for a rock bottom. I think maybe my rock bottom is a string of events rather than one defining event. I'm so depressed right now and I'm tired of life. Tired of me. Tired of sinning.

That guy in my last post that I said I kicked out my life-- well I did but not then. I let him back in and then we did more bad stuff so I kicked him back out and now we never talk and I'm so glad.

I just get so crazy. I want to blame everything but me. I don't want to admit that I have a sex addiction. I have admitted it, I mean I've SAID it. But I haven't accepted it. I am a sex addict! I AM A SEX ADDICT. It fills me with such shame and sorrow. Who, ME? An addict? A SEX addict??! That just doesn't make sense. It makes NO SENSE that I'm a sex addict. I wasn't raised this way. My parents would probably think -- well I don't know what they'd think. They'd be ashamed and sad. Maybe blame themselves. But it's not them, it's me. My choices. I chose this. I didn't chose to be an addict but I chose all the things that led me to that addiction.

My addiction is getting worse! The images I choose to view are worse and worse. Oh I found a way to get past my filter on my computer. It was an accident. I've tried to find a way past it several times and couldn't. But, I accidentally did the other day, maybe yesterday, and I feel I wasn't strong enough to withstand the temptation that followed. I feel like it was too much for me to bear.

But the Bible says we are NOT tempted above that which we can bear. So. I must be wrong.

I'm scared. With the progression of my addiction, how bad will it get before I decide that the pain of the problem is worse than the pain of recovery?

I need to accept myself as an addict. I need to love myself as an addict.

But that's just it. I KNOW all the right answers. I know the right choices. I know how to overcome this. I'm just not doing it all.

David Ridley is always in my head. I have been remembering some things that he told me that I had forgotten about. I remembered something else he asked me. And it grossed me out. And that man messed me up but I still have my choices so as much as I want to blame him, I can't.

The only reason I'm blogging now is because I managed to convince myself that it's a good excuse to avoid homework.

I'M SO AFRAID!!!

Well I do't miss my iPhone. I miss it for texting. I don't miss the games or the porn or the constant checking of Facebook.

Last night I was looking at porn when the kids were awake. If I've ever done that before, it's been very rare. They weren't in the room of course. But when I think of what I could have exposed them to I want to die. Do I hate my children?

I was hoping that writing would purge my soul but I feel no less filthy.

Confession

It is Wednesday.

Last Wednesday I did very bad things. Yesterday I did very bad things. And almost every day between. I'm done now.

We're not even talking my normal-bad. I went above and beyond this time. All week. I am miserable. heavy, low, sick...

Yet I feel compelled to return to God. Compelled. Why? Why would He want me? I've made a mockery of this body and mind and agency He has given me. Why would He want me?

Yet.... it appears He does.

There was this guy, see. I felt powerless to resist his advances because I liked them so much. It could have been worse. It wasn't ALL the way bad. The funniest thing is, I thought he liked me for me. He was lying. Satan was lying. I was lying.

The guy is out of my life now but he left some things behind and he took some things with him. I can't believe I fell for the lies of a man again. Why do I keep doing that? why do I keep trusting till I can't trust anymore, giving the benefit of the doubt till all doubt is gone.... How many times will I have this lesson before I learn it?

But that's not the real issue. The real issue is the choices I made. He came over Wednesday night and I was sure we wouldn't do anything. I told him I just wanted to be friends and he agreed, so when he said he wanted to kiss me, I was surprised. I should have said no but what can a kiss hurt, right? And I love kissing, and it's been SO LONG. So I said yes. He was speedy. He kissed me a few times and then he went for my neck and I said he shouldn't kiss my neck and he did again and it didn't take long at all for us to behave like lust-struck teenagers.

It is rare that my addiction translates onto other in-the-flesh humans. I was ill-prepared for that night. I worried that night would ruin my June 2 goal. I hoped it wouldn't but I didn't know. I was going to talk to the bishop. But then on Friday, I ruined it for myself. Porn on the iPhone. It's the only way I access the stuff. I erased June 2nd with that horrible experience. So now when that day comes I'll want to cry. I will cry, probably.

God didn't punish me and I wanted to be punished I think so I went looking for punishment. Saturday after work I walked into a sex store and made a purchase. I will post a video poem below and from it is this line: "yes, I would like to pay to become the opposite of what I want to be." I think this marks the first time I have ever made an addiction-related purchase.

Then more porn on the iPhone along with the use of my newly-purchased sin.

I couldn't look myself in the mirror, couldn't think about me or my future or my kids or my Jesus. Just my flesh.

Then God still didn't punish me. My house didn't blow up. I didn't get into a wreck. My kids were fine. At their dad's for the weekend, but fine.

Later Saturday, the guy wanted me to meet him for a good time and I wanted to meet him too but instead I went with my friend to her friends' house and we played a game and they were all drinking, all but me. For a little while. Until, for the first time in my 30+ years, I did not decline when I was offered alcohol. I drank it.

Nothing about that makes sense. Well, actually, it does. I wanted to make God punish me.

Know what happened? Nothin. I felt tired but I was up till 3:30. I could walk a straight line, I could do anything, I didn't feel any different and I was SO MAD. I wasn't punished. Nothing happened.

Before I went to sleep, I watched some more porn on my iPhone.

I didn't go to church the next day. The last time I remember skipping church without being ill was in 2004, the day I found out I was pregnant with my 2nd child. That was almost eight years ago.

I skipped my recurring bishop's appt.

I talked to the guy on Sunday. We talked about things we shouldn't have talked about. I told him things I now regret with all my heart. I didn't care. I wanted to die, I wanted to make a reason for God to punish me.

I had about an hour of relative clarity on Sunday afternoon. I took my iPhone outside to the patio, dropped it to the concrete, and pounded it with a meat tenderizer. And a barbell. And a screwdriver. And I stomped on it. And I took it apart, layer by layer, and put it in the trash. Probably some shards of it still lay outside. I hate that stupid phone and now I never have to look at it again.

Monday I went to work and wanted to die and thought of some clever ways to die. But.... nothing bad happened.

Why isn't God punishing me?

Came home and talked online some more with the guy. We talked about sex. I kept telling him that I don't want to talk about sex. He kept telling me sorry. but it kept coming up. I told him if we had another conversation like that, that I wouldn't be his friend anymore. He said he will be a gentleman. He said he was in love with me. He's been saying that for a month or so now. I wish I never met him.

I kept making excuses for him. And for me of course.

So yesterday he called me and he said he just wanted closure. He was going to date this other girl he said. Okay. But we talked about sex, and on the phone it was somehow hotter than online and I just listened to him and he became my porn and I became his.

That was yesterday.

Today I asked him not to contact me again. 20 minutes later, he called. I answered and then hung up so he couldn't leave a voicemail. He never tried to call back.

That's the facts. I can't explain the feelings yet. I haven't quite faced myself, or God. But I can feel Him calling for me which kinda makes me mad because I just want Him to punish me. Why do I want that??

here's that video link. love this. http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=B28zpGQNm5k

"I don't do this because I enjoy it, I do this because I'm addicted to it." -- A Letter To Marsha

Here's what I know for sure doesn't work:
sex
making out
pornography
masturbation
drinking
cutting
hiding
lying
running away
eating
spending obscene amounts of money
Facebook

I know all this from experience. I experienced almost all of these over the past six days. None of this stuff works but man do I want it to. I keep believing the lie that tells me "masturbation will make this all go away today."

Have you seen the movie Mr. Brooks? It's a crazy movie about a man who is addicted to killing. He has this "imaginary friend" called Marshall. Marshall convinces him to kill. Marshall is the addict in him. In the movie, Mr Brooks says, "I don't do this because I enjoy it; I do this because I'm addicted to it." So.... I named my addict Marsha. We all know Marsha is me but it's interesting and sometimes enlightening when I separate me from my addict-self.

And today, I dumped Marsha in a letter. Here it is:

Hello Marsha,

I would like you to leave me now. You do me no good. When I oblige you, I want to die. You're not allowed in my house anymore; you're not allowed in my life. I never want to see you again. I never want to think about you again. I would beg you to leave but I think you would mock my desperation. And you'd use it against me.

The reason I've kept you around this long is because without you, I am lonely and anxious, and you always convince me that you will cure my loneliness, you will cure my anxiety! You lie to me! How do you always convince me that this time you're telling the truth, that this time you will take away all my troubles?

Instead of curing my loneliness, you intensify it. Instead of alleviating my anxiety, you exponentially multiply it. My life has nothing bad in it that you don't make worse; nothing beautiful that you don't taint.

But I don't know how to live without you. Maybe I can't handle freedom. Maybe I can't handle peace. Maybe I can't handle life without you. You came into my life without my notice, but I do remember a time without you, a very long time ago. And maybe I can't function anymore if you're not with me.

But I'd sure like to try. I'm tired of you; you make me sick. We are so close that it seems like the only way to eliminate you is to eliminate me. But there must be another way.

You will leave me now.I can't figure this out if you're here with me, lying to me about everything, tricking me, enticing me, harassing me, seducing me, destroying me. Leave me now. Go.

Sincerely,
~Erin

I don't think this will do any good but I enjoyed writing it.

This weekend (well, last Wednesday onward), I made more bad choices than I did in my entire adolescence. I'm trying to get God to punish me. I'm trying to find my rock bottom. I'm trying to pay the consequences for my behavior. I'm trying to be my own God. I'm in a very bad place.

Never

Feels like I'll never go to the temple.
Feels like I'll never take the Sacrament again.
Feels like I'll never be free,
Never happy
Never good
Never smart
Never right.

This blog is a joke. I have subtitled it "an LDS woman's recovery from sexual addictions," and that's a joke. I'm changing that subtitle today. And maybe the title, too.

I can't tell what's real, what's authentic. I want, so badly, for God to punish me in some obvious way, like injury or illness or great personal loss. But... all I get is blessed. And I'm sick of it.

How Quickly I Forget

I am so frustrated.

I was reading through some of these old posts and found one that said I had been clean for 38 days. My record is longer than I thought it was. I don't think I feel good about that, but perhaps I should. Why do I forget these things?

I have been doing this for a very long time. I have been failing for a very long time. I'm so discouraged!

But I should be hopeful. If I have made it 38 days before, then I can do it now. If I can make it 30, I can make it 60. June 2nd is still a goal and I believe it's still a realistic goal.

I have been making a lot of mistakes, however, and I'm not sure if they disqualify me from my June 2 goal. I think they don't. I hope they don't. It's interesting because they're different mistakes than the ones I'm accustomed to making. For example, instead of looking up inappropriate images, I have instead participated in inappropriate online conversations. I used to do this kind of thing but I haven't in years, and it's been coming back the past few weeks. It's absurd. It's absolutely wrong. I'm done with it though. Not going to do it again. It kinda just sneaked up on me, as temptations sometimes do, and I was ill prepared to resist. I thought the first one was a fluke, so when the 2nd opportunity presented itself, I was also ill-prepared. Never again will that temptation catch me off guard.

It reminded me, though, of how powerful this addiction is, and of how powerless I am to eliminate it. I wonder what else Satan has in his bag of tricks. I know he's going to pull them all out during these three months. And they might be old tricks that I haven't fallen for in a while, or new ones that I've never seen. How do I prepare against those? Especially considering how quickly I forget, some of the old tricks will feel like new ones. Maybe it's a good time to brainstorm how he's tricked me before, old sins I haven't repeated in a while but are related to my addiction...

I need to get better at looking upward. And remembering!