Listening to the Spirit

Last time I talked to my bishop, he told me that the Spirit will always give a warning before temptation takes over. This is something I had never before honestly considered. He challenged me to try to recognize the warnings of the Spirit.

It certainly didn't seem like I could have been warned every time. But maybe I just wasn't paying attention.

So, the last time I acted out, the day went something like this:

Super stress at work. I have this huge project I'm working on, and it just has to be perfect, and it has to be perfect by next Tuesday. This is the first time I've ever done anything like this and I feel a lot like a fish out of water who's expected to breathe air. Anyway, it's stressful. That day was particularly stressful because it's crunch time.

On my lunch break, I had this formless thought that caused me to wonder if I may be tempted more than normal that night. And then, the formed thought: "this is your warning."

Oh. Wow. Okay, so maybe I was being warned by the Spirit. Well,I thought, don't worry, I'll be fine.

When I got home, I remembered I didn't read my scriptures that morning. So I read something real quick. I fed the kids and put them to bed. At 8:00, I was almost falling asleep. I was so tired. I remembered that tiredness is a trigger, and maybe I should go to bed, but I thought, don't worry I'll be fine. I get to sleep in tomorrow, and I don't want to go to bed early when I get to sleep in.


Seriously, Erin??!

Suddenly, I felt lonely. Loneliness is becoming more and more frequent these days. I want to be married. Loneliness is becoming a trigger these days, and I remembered that. But I said to myself I'll be fine.

Well I watched a Lifetime movie. I could tell where my mind/desires were going. I had a short internal battle, but when I'm that tired, I don't fight well. I figured I should go to bed. Part of me said, "no, I'll be okay," and another part said, "no, I want this tonight! I need it." After that movie, I decided to watch another one! The movies didn't have inappropriate scenes. I had hoped they would, I admit.

Remember how I destroyed my iPhone in March? I got a new smart phone last month. I thought I was ready, and I knew I'd install a filter the second I got it. I did. Net Nanny. It costs, but I like it better than K9 for my computer, so I thought I'd buy another subscription for my phone. And it's awesome. Except that if I download a browser besides the one it comes with, Google, it doesn't recognize it, and I can have full internet access. There's GOT to be a way around this.

Anyway. I can't watch videos on my phone, so I settle for other forms of pornography. And, when the 2nd movie was almost over, I began browsing.

And the rest is history.

So my bishop was right. The Spirit warns. Next time, instead of thinking "Oh, I'll be okay," I'll think up a plan. I will trust that Voice. I will believe that Voice. I'll set a plan for the rest of the day into place and ask God to help me with it.

It's so hard to think I'll be in that spot, though, when I'm so not in that spot. I just need to trust the warnings!

Sometimes I get frustrated with how long it takes me to learn stuff.

PASG vs ARP

Recently, I began primarily attending my local PASG meetings as opposed to the general ARP meetings. The short version of why is that I needed to maintain an important, and nearly vital, relationship by keeping my Friday nights open. I still occasionally attend the Friday night ARP meetings, but my primary meetings are now the Tuesday night PASG meetings.

ARP stands for Addiction Recovery Program. PASG, I think, is Pornography Addiction Support Group. The ARP meetings are an hour long, and are not so well-attended. If there are six of us, that's a pretty good turn-out. The PASG meetings are 90 minutes, and there are often about 20 men there.

Yes, men. Once, there was another woman in attendance. It's awkward. It's slowly becoming less so. Being the one woman of about 20 men is intimidating.

But, here's what. I have never felt unwelcome. I have never felt like a burden or an annoyance. I am what they are, after all, a child of God who wishes to recover from this imprisoning addiction. I learn from these men. I don't like sharing as much at these meetings, though. I don't want to take up so much time since there are so many men. (Once I start talking, I can ramble on and on and not even realize how much time has passed.) Also, I do feel like I don't totally relate. Or, I feel like the men will feel like I don't totally relate, and I fear their judgement.

But know what hit me today? I'll tell you. We read Step 8, and one of the men pointed out a verse of scripture in the study section. There is no fear in love.

I have so much fear. The opposite of fear, I think, is love. Not fearlessness, but love. The opposite of love is fear. Not hate, but fear.

I need to work on replacing my fear with love.

After the meeting, the facilitator approached me and said he's always appreciated a "feminine approach" and he appreciates my attendance. He said he knows it must be awkward for me, and he's so glad I go anyway. I'm so glad he said so. That one comment validated me in a huge way! And it encouraged me, and emboldened me. I'm so grateful he stopped me! He said I'm on equal ground.

And he's right. We're all the same. We have different motives, different ideas, different triggers-- but we're all the same in that all of us there have addictions. We all have a desire to be free. We are each children of a loving Father in Heaven, and for all of us, Jesus atoned. We all must repent to return to our common Home.

Even though I understand that concept, I haven't fully realized it yet. I still separate myself from the men, and feel like they're in charge, and they're more important. It's weird. But I'll grow.




On a sad, sad note, the missionary for the ARP meetings passed away the day before Thanksgiving. Elder Squires was a man of unhindered love. It was like love just seeped from him. He was a safe place to land for us addicts. He was young, and left behind a still-growing family. If you're so inclined, join me in praying for his family's peace.

Vashti

Vashti is my new hero. You know her? She was the Queen of Persia, Esther's predecessor.

I'm searching for stories of courage. I want courage to be a word that defines me. I love the word courage. I long for it to be a part of my story. I want courage coursing through my veins.

I have a long way to go.

Esther is certainly a courageous woman. I love that she approached the king un-summoned, which could have been a death sentence. I love her fearless "If I perish, I perish." I need to say that myself. If I give my will to God and die, I die! I'm not going to die, but with the fear I have about doing it, death may as well be waiting. Sheesh.

Anyway, Vashti, friends! Vashti was courageous, too. Why don't we talk about her? I love her. I totally identify with her, that rebel. Allow me to summarize (with my own interpretations) the story.

So, here's the king, and he's got this big feast going on, for the men in the kingdom. Nobles, princes, servants, etc. They're all drinking and feasting and partying it up ancient-royalty style. So, Vashti's like, "Why he gets a party and I don't?" and so she throws a banquet for the women. Well, the men are drunk and they want something pretty to lust after, so they request to see Vashti. The scriptures say they want to see her because she's beautiful. Well, the king agrees, and sends for his wife.

Vashti says no.

Vashti says no to her husband! She says no to the king of 127 provinces! She was a woman, not a plaything; she was a woman, not a display! She was a woman, and she knew it, and she said no.

I am so proud of her. I imagine she knew that if she said no and publicly humiliated the king, that she would pay severe consequences. And she did. She lost her crown, her husband, her home. But she kept her dignity, and her integrity.

I love that woman! I want to be that courageous.



In other news, I have completed Step Four! FINALLY! And by "completed," I mean it has a beginning, a middle, and an end. It may never be completed, but for the purpose of Step Four, it's done. It took me over a year to face it!!

God is good. Recovery is possible. I'm going to it now. No more waiting for it to come to me.

Control

I'm an easy going, take-it-as-it-comes, mellow, laid back CONTROL FREAK. I want control. I need control. I need everything in my life to be in my control.

You wouldn't know it by looking at me, or my house. I do not look like a woman who's in control. I am untidy and confused. I'm scattered and hopelessly unorganized. But that's okay. That's my way. If it's my way, I'm good.

However, God has something else in mind. He wants me to do it His way. I have a problem with that.

In theory, I like His way best. I know His way is best. I know I need to succomb to His way.

I went to an ARP meeting tonight. A few weeks ago, I began attending the PASG meetings (which are for porn addicts, specifically) instead of the general ARP meetings. Some weeks, I attend both. The PASG meetings are on a night that works better for me, though. But, they're much more difficult to attend, since I'm usually the only woman out of about 20 attendees. It's a big group. A big group of men. They are good men and I think they're okay with me being there.

Anyway. We're on Step 7. Humility. As we read through the step, I was overcome with emotion. It was entirely unexpected. The whole step is about giving control over to God. The emotion, I think, was God telling me to pay attention. So I did. And... I need to give it up. I need to stop trying to convince God to do it my way. Who does that?! This is GOD we're talking about. I know His way is best, I do, but I'd like for Him to just let me be right. I want my way to be okay.

I'm excited about this because the Lord's nudges mean I'm ready. I have done this before. I have decided to turn my life over to Him before. Step 3. I need to do step 3 again, to DECIDE to turn my WILL to God. I need to do that again.

I'm so scared to reqlinquish my illusion of control. Some of the things I fear are:

-What if I do, and then I fail later?
-What if I do, and then succeed?
-Right now, Repentence is the way I feel God's sweet love. What if my need to repent becomes less frequent and I need to feel God's love?
-What if I give up control and then lose control?
-What if giving up control means becoming vulnerable? Exposed?

Maybe that's the biggest fear, my fear of being exposed. God already knows all my weaknesses, my sins. But, do I? God already accepts me as I am, but will I?

Courage, Erin, for the Lord is on your side!

I have so much to say! I'll have to save it for another post. Sleep summons loudly now. Until my next post, let it suffice to say that I know that God loves me. Tonight, He showed me that- both through the ARP meeting tonight, and through a new friend. He's here. He knows. He's going to love me back Home.

Saying Goodbye

I've never been fond of goodbyes. I guess that's a pretty universal sentiment. It's difficult to break off something that's been a part of your life. I was wondering today if I've ever successfully said goodbye to something destructive, and then never looked back.

Often, I say "NO MORE!" but then I'm back to whatever or whomever it is in short order. So, I wondered if I've ever truly successfully permanently ended a destructive relationship with someone or something.

I'm happy to report that yes, yes I have.

There was my first love. We met in college. We were going to marry. He was poisonous for me, and I for him. To this day, breaking up with him for good is one of the hardest things I've ever done. I broke up with him at the end of 2001, and it's been almost that long since I've spoken to him. Now, of course, I don't miss him. Goodbye, Thomas.

Then, hot dogs. Seriously! I used to eat them and feed them to my kids because they're so easy. But they're so bad for you! I stopped buying them. Now, I think they're gross. Goodbye, hotdogs.

Then, cutting myself. I used to cut my arm when I was frustrated at myself or at life. I was certainly addicted to the release of anxiety that cutting brought. Check out My Story for more on that, if you'd like. I haven't brought a sharp edge to my own skin since 2007. Goodbye, cutting.

Then, a few men that I talked about inappropriate things with every time I talked to them. I stopped all communication, and haven't sought them out.

Maybe there are others. The point is, I can do this! I've done it before. I've eliminated destructive elements in my life. I can do it again. I will.

The Lord has shown me how. I need to trust Him. I don't necessarily believe that what He says will cure me, will cure me. I feel like He keeps telling me over and over, "read your scriptures." "Have Family Home Evening." "Put me first." "Serve others." "Immerse yourself in good music." These are the things that I believe God is telling me will save me. They're easy. They're all within my ability to daily accomplish. It's like I keep thinking, "one more try at my way, God." But my way has never, ever worked. It's time to do it God's way.

I need to find out what I'm afraid of.

One thing I know is that I can overcome. I have. Others have. I will.

Today I'm going to clean and rearrange my bedroom. It's where my favorite sins normally take place. It'll be a small token of my readiness and willingness to change, to say goodbye. I'm going to change where I sleep on my bed. I'm going to try very hard to use my bed only for sleeping.

I'm also considering telling my family about this. I know they would not turn away from me. Chances are, they'll be a wonderful strength to me. Some may judge me, but I'm used to that, haha. I'm afraid they'll spy on me and ask me dumb questions. I'm afraid they'll look at me differently. But maybe it'd be worth the negative probabilities. I follow a blog, (Gay) Mormon Guy, and the writer just revealed his true identity after a long time of strict anonymity. It didn't turn out so bad for him. I admire his courage. All his friends and family know, now, that he struggles with Same Sex Attraction.

I'm considering it. Right now, it seems like a great idea. Tomorrow, it may not. We'll see.

I can say goodbye. I can come boldly to the Throne of Grace. I can come off conqueror. Jesus has freed me!

God Will Abundantly Pardon

Verse 7 of Isaiah 55 caught my attention just now. It says that if people repent and turn to God, that He will "abundantly pardon."

I write with soiled hands and a heavy heart, but I am filled with hope. Like Enos, I ask, "Lord, how is it done?" How am I permitted this great, enlightening hope, in the very midst of self-destruction?

When I really think about it, the mercy of God astounds me. The reality is, He is there every time I turn to Him. Every time. No exceptions. As an addict of around 18 years, I cannot even estimate how many times I have turned back to Him, after turning away from Him that many times. And yet, every time, there He stands! He stands ready, eager to pull me into His safe arms, eager to bestow upon me more mercy and grace, patient and gentle. I know that God will "abundantly pardon," because that's what He's done for me. That's what He's doing for me.

I feel like a prisoner. I am a prisoner. I have built walls around me that I cannot break down. But Jesus can free me.

I am ill. I have created my own illness that I cannot cure. But Jesus can heal me.

The scriptures tell us that the Lord will forgive "as often as my people repent." I think that means He'll forgive every time we repent. Every time.

Satan tells me that God is tired of my pleas for forgiveness. Satan tells me God does not want to hear it from me again. Satan tells me I am worthless for meeting this place yet again. He lures me here, then he mocks me here. He is no friend of mine. Satan tells me that since I've been an addict most my life, there is no hope for my recovery. Jesus says though my sins be as scarlet, they shall be white as snow.

A tender and loving Father in Heaven miraculously led me to this talk, and I hope you will read it too, and find as much hope in it as I did:
God Will Abundantly Pardon

I am so thankful for the Atonement. I know that Jesus' sufferings were in my name, in my stead. I have hope that I can be healed.

As an update, I have been working on my actual Step Four. For a long time, I thought this blog was sufficient for my Step Four, but there are many things that I needed to write out that I shouldn't include in a public post. It has taken me quite a while, but I've finished a first draft, and I'm very glad to have gotten through it. Now I can finally move on through the remaining steps. It has been awful, frankly, just as awful as I thought it would be. But it has also been beautiful. I learned, again, that God has shown me His love all through these years, that He has rescued me all through these years, and that His love has never grown tired.

Here's to another long streak of abstinence!