I've decided to respond to Sidreis's "Dear Bishop" call for input. Her blog post is here. I will also be sending this to her and I imagine she may use it, so I apologize to you who read both blogs. Anyway, read her post if you want a clear idea of what I'm doing. This will be a collective letter, to/about all my bishops, but as if it was only one bishop. Also, I would like to note that I have been extraordinarily blessed with outstanding bishops in my past and present. My current bishop is wonderful, and I deeply appreciate all he does for me. Without further adieu, here it is:
Dear Bishop,
The first time I confessed to you, I was so scared I couldn't speak. You were gracious and did the speaking for me. I believe I gave verbal clues to get you on the right path, but you guessed your way to the problem. Thank you so much for that. I felt like a coward, but I literally was paralyzed with fear. I didn't know what you would think. I didn't know if you would tell my parents. I didn't know if I would get in official trouble. I was 16, and I'd already been addicted for years. I didn't know I was addicted, and neither did you (I don't think you could have) so we didn't talk about addiction.
You were gentle and sweet. You told me things about myself that I tried to believe because I believed you believed them. "You are destined for great things, Erin," you said. You didn't condemn me. You showed no signs of disgust. Thank you for your grace and your wisdom. Thank you for your love. You were perfect then; just what I needed.
I grew, and your face changed, but not your title or your roll. Every time I saw a new bishop, the terror returned. Confession to a new face never did get easier. But your love never ceased to astonish and humble me. Thank you for your ceaseless love!
Bishop, as I look back, I wish you'd done a few things differently. I recognize that we're all human and that you can't advise what you don't know about, but if it helps, please consider this: You never told me about the Church's Addiction Recovery Program. One time, you mentioned it, but it was like an "in case you're ever interested, you can find the info online." Why would I be interested in discussing my addiction with other people? That did not appeal to me at all. So when you never mentioned it again, it didn't seem like a good idea. Bishop, I wish you would have encouraged me to attend a meeting. I wish you would have told me that I would find healing through the program. I wish you would have taken me by the hand and walked me into a meeting, if that's what it took. That's how important I have found this program to be. I went on my own accord, years after you casually mentioned it, and through it, I have found the tools that will save me.
Please tell other struggling sisters about this inspired program. Please do everything short of begging them to attend. Please tell them they are not alone.
Bishop, it would mean so much if you attended a meeting with me. Especially a meeting where I'm the only woman in a room full of men. I would really feel like you were trying to understand if you attended one meeting. And one meeting would be plenty.
Only one time, when I was 19, did you ever make me feel like I was a bad person for having this problem. Otherwise, you have been most supportive and kind. That is what has kept me returning to you when I needed to. However, if I may suggest, I do wish you would have made it so very abundantly clear that you did not find me to be a freak of nature for having what I believed was a man's disease. Especially after I added pornography to my confessions. I wish you would have told me that other women struggle in this way. I wish you would have told me that good women struggle in this way. When I figured it out on my own, and told you that this addiction does not make me a freak of nature, you enthusiastically agreed. Thank you for that validation. Please, when you get the chance, tell every woman who comes to you with sexual addictions that she is normal. Please tell her that she's still a woman- NO LESS than any other sister in the ward. Please tell her that she is still beautiful and still needed and wanted by God. Please tell her that God doesn't see her problem as a man's problem, but as her problem, and that being a woman sex addict isn't any worse or any different from being a sex addict.
One thing that makes confession especially difficult is that you are a man, and I am a woman. I am never comfortable sharing things of a sexual nature with you, because you are a man. But, because I know you are my bishop, and that you represent my Savior, I can mostly look past the fact that you are also a man. For a long while, I worried that my confessions may arouse you, and nothing would be more embarrassing than that. I worried very much that you might think I was trying to hit on you or make you attracted to me. I know it may sound self-absorbed, but I don't think that's it at all. Having watched so many pornographic videos and seeing how men treat women in them (which I know is not reality), and also after having been treated as a sexual object by men in my own real life, it's not so far-fetched to worry that you may think I'm trying to seduce you. To this day, I am very careful with my words, and I am sure I have left things out for fear of being misinterpreted. I would die a little to think that you thought I had motives with my confessions.
I tell you this because if I think that way, other women will too. Please be aware. Please understand how difficult it is to confess this sin! Please consider the heavy, heavy shame I must feel when I tell you, a man, my most guarded and most hated secrets. Help me to dispel the shame by telling me truths about who I am.
Please don't tell me "Everyone's an addict," or "everyone's addicted to something." I hate those phrases. Maybe it's true, but when you say it to me, it feels like you're discounting my experience. It feels like you're saying "it's not a big deal. Just stop what you're doing-- it's easy." Please try to truly understand the nature of addiction. Please take my confessions seriously, because I guarantee that no matter how small they may seem to you, they're huge to me.
For your endless encouragement, I am boundlessly grateful. Thank you for pointing out my courage. Thank you for reminding me of my strengths. Thank you for giving me a blessing every time I asked for it. One time, about three years ago, you told me "Call me when you're tempted, at any time, even if it's two in the morning," and you gave me your cell phone number. I put you to the test one late night at about 11, and you were there just like you promised. And you talked me through it. And you never, for one fleeting second, hinted that you were angry at the late night call. The next time I saw you, you thanked me for calling. I called you a few times after that, and you were always happy to help me. Bishop, that event changed the course of my life. You proved that I was worth your time. I can't thank you enough for that.
You have saved my life with your love. If it wasn't for you, I may have left the church, becoming so overwhelmed with all the good people in it. You helped me see that I am a good person, too. You helped me see that no one is without their sins. You loved me back to life, Bishop. You helped me understand that I am important to the Savior, so important.
I love you.
With a lifetime of thanks,
~Erin
Thursday, February 28, 2013
Tuesday, February 26, 2013
Wavering Confidence
No! Yes. It's true. My confidence is suffering. I keep thinking "I can't make it this long," and then I say to myself, "I AM making it this long!" but the initial thought already did its damage.
Little tiny pieces of fear are lodging themselves into the strong pillars I've been building with Jesus. As I am reminded of how powerless I am, I seem to be forgetting how strong my Savior is.
Whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa. There it is. It just now, while writing that above paragraph, hit me what the problem is. Trust. If I was fully trusting the Savior, I would have no reason to fear! With Him, I am infallible. Every step I take in His footsteps, I am safe. I have nothing to fear. Nothing to worry about. My confidence needn't be less than my commitment.
I'm committed, people! I will walk with Him, so that I cannot fall.
Those tiny pieces of fear that have been hitting my strongholds? Yeah, that happened because somewhere, I had a guard down. Somehow, I allowed them in. No more! No more doubts, no more fears, no more wavering confidence, for my strength is not my own, but God's. I will not yield!
Man, sometimes writing just does the trick, doesn't it? I didn't expect this great revelation. :) With renewed trust and confidence, I go forth!
Little tiny pieces of fear are lodging themselves into the strong pillars I've been building with Jesus. As I am reminded of how powerless I am, I seem to be forgetting how strong my Savior is.
Whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa. There it is. It just now, while writing that above paragraph, hit me what the problem is. Trust. If I was fully trusting the Savior, I would have no reason to fear! With Him, I am infallible. Every step I take in His footsteps, I am safe. I have nothing to fear. Nothing to worry about. My confidence needn't be less than my commitment.
I'm committed, people! I will walk with Him, so that I cannot fall.
Those tiny pieces of fear that have been hitting my strongholds? Yeah, that happened because somewhere, I had a guard down. Somehow, I allowed them in. No more! No more doubts, no more fears, no more wavering confidence, for my strength is not my own, but God's. I will not yield!
Man, sometimes writing just does the trick, doesn't it? I didn't expect this great revelation. :) With renewed trust and confidence, I go forth!
Sunday, February 24, 2013
Belief
Belief is powerful. I think that I can say that with some degree of confidence. I think I don't even have to add the disclaimer: "At least it is for me." I think that there are enough wise philosophers and scholars and scientists who say the same thing, and more importantly, enough scriptures. Believe!
There are a few types of belief (now, this is my opinion and my own thoughts). Sometimes, believing in something is what makes it true. Sometimes, something is true weather or not we believe it. And sometimes, something isn't true even if we believe it.
As members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (as most of my readers are, I think), I think we're pretty good at believing in what's already true. But, I think many of us could stand to believe in something in order to make it true.
Step 6 of the ARP manual is about changing your heart. For me, I could not change my heart till I first changed my mind. I'm not saying that my heart is changed- I have a long way to go. I am working on it, though, piece by piece, and I'm offering those pieces to God as they come. I'm breaking my heart into pieces, and handing over those broken pieces to my Heavenly Father. It's a slow process, but I'm more patient with myself now.
Changing my mind has been difficult, but beautiful. I have lived my life believing lies about myself. I have believed that I can't recover. I have believed that Jesus' sacrifice wasn't for me. I have believed that I am worthless. I have believed that I am destined to fail. Now, because I believed that I would always fail, I did always fail. Because I believed I was unhappy, I was! I believed I deserved to be miserable.
Finally, I slowly, very slowly, began to listen to the Spirit which whispered truths that countered the lies I've believed all my life. "Erin, you can." But I believed that I didn't deserve to have good thoughts about myself, so I would stop those words from laying root into my mind. "Erin, there is a place prepared for you in the mansions of my Father." And I would say, "yeah right. Not me. I'm filthy."
But those whispers continued and continued despite my vigilant rejection of them until finally, one day, I decided to wonder what if? Oh, how Jesus seeks to rescue! Oh, how he calls after us like a shepherd calls after his lost sheep! He has pulled me from the territory of the wolves and I'm so grateful that He never gave up, never gives up.
What if I can? What if there is a place for me with God? What if Jesus is my Savior, too? What if recovery is possible? What if I can become who I am?
These thoughts worked on me and I worked on them. Through my sins and failures, I remembered them. I allowed them to give me hope, even in the midst of active addiction.
Then one day, literally, I decided to focus only on what is positive and pure and good. I decided to eliminate negative thoughts as they appeared in my consciousness. I decided to shamelessly and constantly believe that I can. I decided to believe that Jesus will help. I decided to begin to believe His promises.
I believe that I can. I believe that I will. I believe He can and He will. I know He does. I know He helps me, loves me, inspires me with positive thoughts every day.
The negativity that I have fed for 32 years isn't completely out of me. I still fall victim to its power. I still believe the lies, sometimes. But not for long. Never for long anymore.
I love believing. I love that believing that I can do something makes it possible for me to do it. We are commanded to "be believing!" Let us believe! Let us be hopeful! Let us be of good cheer!
We believe in being honest, true, chaste, benevolent, virtuous,
and in doing good to all men; indeed, we may say that we follow
the admonition of Paul - We believe all things, we hope all things,
we have endured many things, and hope to be able to endure all
things. If there is anything virtuous, lovely, or of good report or
praiseworthy, we seek after these things.
(bolded words added)
There are a few types of belief (now, this is my opinion and my own thoughts). Sometimes, believing in something is what makes it true. Sometimes, something is true weather or not we believe it. And sometimes, something isn't true even if we believe it.
As members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (as most of my readers are, I think), I think we're pretty good at believing in what's already true. But, I think many of us could stand to believe in something in order to make it true.
Step 6 of the ARP manual is about changing your heart. For me, I could not change my heart till I first changed my mind. I'm not saying that my heart is changed- I have a long way to go. I am working on it, though, piece by piece, and I'm offering those pieces to God as they come. I'm breaking my heart into pieces, and handing over those broken pieces to my Heavenly Father. It's a slow process, but I'm more patient with myself now.
Changing my mind has been difficult, but beautiful. I have lived my life believing lies about myself. I have believed that I can't recover. I have believed that Jesus' sacrifice wasn't for me. I have believed that I am worthless. I have believed that I am destined to fail. Now, because I believed that I would always fail, I did always fail. Because I believed I was unhappy, I was! I believed I deserved to be miserable.
Finally, I slowly, very slowly, began to listen to the Spirit which whispered truths that countered the lies I've believed all my life. "Erin, you can." But I believed that I didn't deserve to have good thoughts about myself, so I would stop those words from laying root into my mind. "Erin, there is a place prepared for you in the mansions of my Father." And I would say, "yeah right. Not me. I'm filthy."
But those whispers continued and continued despite my vigilant rejection of them until finally, one day, I decided to wonder what if? Oh, how Jesus seeks to rescue! Oh, how he calls after us like a shepherd calls after his lost sheep! He has pulled me from the territory of the wolves and I'm so grateful that He never gave up, never gives up.
What if I can? What if there is a place for me with God? What if Jesus is my Savior, too? What if recovery is possible? What if I can become who I am?
These thoughts worked on me and I worked on them. Through my sins and failures, I remembered them. I allowed them to give me hope, even in the midst of active addiction.
Then one day, literally, I decided to focus only on what is positive and pure and good. I decided to eliminate negative thoughts as they appeared in my consciousness. I decided to shamelessly and constantly believe that I can. I decided to believe that Jesus will help. I decided to begin to believe His promises.
I believe that I can. I believe that I will. I believe He can and He will. I know He does. I know He helps me, loves me, inspires me with positive thoughts every day.
The negativity that I have fed for 32 years isn't completely out of me. I still fall victim to its power. I still believe the lies, sometimes. But not for long. Never for long anymore.
I love believing. I love that believing that I can do something makes it possible for me to do it. We are commanded to "be believing!" Let us believe! Let us be hopeful! Let us be of good cheer!
We believe in being honest, true, chaste, benevolent, virtuous,
and in doing good to all men; indeed, we may say that we follow
the admonition of Paul - We believe all things, we hope all things,
we have endured many things, and hope to be able to endure all
things. If there is anything virtuous, lovely, or of good report or
praiseworthy, we seek after these things.
(bolded words added)
Tuesday, February 12, 2013
Addendum/HORRIBLE DAY/Recognizing Satan's Traps
First and foremost, I need to address my last post. I woke this morning so excited that it was my 60th day! I had to write about it. I wrote hastily, as I needed to get to work, and I failed to mention the Reason I even made it to this day. Many of you pointed it out to me in your comments on that post, for which I thank you! But, I'd realized it early. It was bugging me the entire day. I didn't even acknowledge, in that post, the Source, my Source, my only Source of motivation, peace, patience with myself, determination, and perseverance. I'm so grateful to my Savior for rescuing me from my own pit of despair, for for rescuing me still. I'm still in the process of being rescued by my Jesus. I'm still in the process of letting Him rescue me.
Sixty Days is amazing, and it feels so good. I can do anything through Christ!
I was so sure that today would be just the best day. I was so sure that nothing was going to be able to get me down. But, as it happened, today was a horrible day. And now I'm going to cry all over again because I'm writing about it.
First, I accepted an answer to many many prayers, and the answer was no. I have heard the answer the past day or two, but I couldn't acknowledge it, because I wanted this thing so much, and I just had to be right, and it just had to be good. But, finally, I stopped resisting the Spirit. I wasn't happy about it. I said, "Okay, FINE! I won't do it." As the day progressed, I became more humble, and God worked with me to assure me that it was okay. But then, something else happened, something that would seem so very, very petty to . . . anyone, probably. . . and so I won't here share the details. Let it suffice to say that I felt utterly unappreciated, attacked, misunderstood, judged and scorned. I am so scared to return to work tomorrow and face the mess made by today.
Well, after those two incidents, I felt beaten. And I couldn't find anything to be happy about. And I was so discouraged, and I was believing those lies that Satan likes to trap me with, those lies that I'm not good enough, that I'm horrible at everything. He was magnifying my character weaknesses and I was taking the bait. My weaknesses were all I could see about myself, even on this great day, this day of 60 days sober! That accomplishment did not mean as much as my failures.
I tried to shake it when I got home, for the sake of my kids. But instead I took it out on them and spoke a little meaner than I should have, for which I feel so sorry. I tried to shake it through the evening but I don't think I really wanted to. I wanted to hold on to the pain until someone validated it. But I wasn't willing to share it, because I'm so embarrassed that something so little got me so worked up. So I kept it in and it grew.
Then I attended my PASG meeting, where I vented. I never vent at those meetings. I am efficient. Almost all of my bosses have commented on how efficient I am. So I keep my sharing focused on recovery from addiction, this week's step, or the step I'm currently working on. :) And I make sure not to go over 3-5 minutes of sharing. Tonight, though, I vented, and I do not feel bad! I talked about my horrible day, and as I did, I was able to recognize Satan's familiar trap. He was trying to win me. He was trying to drag me back to his territory by making my mistakes appear huge, and making my weaknesses appear insurmountable. He was trying to discourage me and overwhelm me, because those two feelings have been what eventually brought me to return to my favorite sins in the past. He was trying to make something little appear enormous, and he was trying to make sure I did not talk to God about it. And as I shared, I realized that sometimes, especially as a single woman, I have to validate myself. I have to be the one to tell me it's okay. I have to be the one to tell me that YES, I deserve to be appreciated, and it's okay and understandable that I do not feel appreciated, and so forth.
One day at a meeting, I wrote this in my ARP manual, "When I'm frustrated, overwhelmed, give it to God. Don't wait till I have to give Him the burden of sin. Give Him the burden of the day."
I did that today, but not till later. However, I'm very grateful I didn't refuse to give him the burden of the day before I had the burden of sin to lay before Him. I could have laid it His feet hours before, and been freed of grief and self-pity the remainder of the day. Or at least it would have been lessened for me. He can validate me, too. Or, help me validate my feelings myself.
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. I can even face tomorrow with Him. And, knowing Him, knowing His tender mercies and His eagerness to help me succeed, I believe He'll help me face tomorrow.
I'm emotionally exhausted, and it's left me also physically exhausted. Satan won a battle today. I was discouraged, like he wanted; overwhelmed, like he wanted; anxious, like he wanted. But tomorrow's another day, and Ima win tomorrow!
The facilitator at tonight's meeting said this to me: "Do you know why you had such a rough 60th day? It's because Satan didn't want you to have a 61st." I responded, "Well, he's going to be sad tomorrow, then."
These words from "Bring on the Rain" are now in my head:
Sometimes I'd like to hide away somewhere and lock the door
A single battle lost, but not the war
'Cause tomorrow's another day
And I'm thirsty anyway
So bring on the rain"
Good night, my dear Readers.
Sixty Days is amazing, and it feels so good. I can do anything through Christ!
I was so sure that today would be just the best day. I was so sure that nothing was going to be able to get me down. But, as it happened, today was a horrible day. And now I'm going to cry all over again because I'm writing about it.
First, I accepted an answer to many many prayers, and the answer was no. I have heard the answer the past day or two, but I couldn't acknowledge it, because I wanted this thing so much, and I just had to be right, and it just had to be good. But, finally, I stopped resisting the Spirit. I wasn't happy about it. I said, "Okay, FINE! I won't do it." As the day progressed, I became more humble, and God worked with me to assure me that it was okay. But then, something else happened, something that would seem so very, very petty to . . . anyone, probably. . . and so I won't here share the details. Let it suffice to say that I felt utterly unappreciated, attacked, misunderstood, judged and scorned. I am so scared to return to work tomorrow and face the mess made by today.
Well, after those two incidents, I felt beaten. And I couldn't find anything to be happy about. And I was so discouraged, and I was believing those lies that Satan likes to trap me with, those lies that I'm not good enough, that I'm horrible at everything. He was magnifying my character weaknesses and I was taking the bait. My weaknesses were all I could see about myself, even on this great day, this day of 60 days sober! That accomplishment did not mean as much as my failures.
I tried to shake it when I got home, for the sake of my kids. But instead I took it out on them and spoke a little meaner than I should have, for which I feel so sorry. I tried to shake it through the evening but I don't think I really wanted to. I wanted to hold on to the pain until someone validated it. But I wasn't willing to share it, because I'm so embarrassed that something so little got me so worked up. So I kept it in and it grew.
Then I attended my PASG meeting, where I vented. I never vent at those meetings. I am efficient. Almost all of my bosses have commented on how efficient I am. So I keep my sharing focused on recovery from addiction, this week's step, or the step I'm currently working on. :) And I make sure not to go over 3-5 minutes of sharing. Tonight, though, I vented, and I do not feel bad! I talked about my horrible day, and as I did, I was able to recognize Satan's familiar trap. He was trying to win me. He was trying to drag me back to his territory by making my mistakes appear huge, and making my weaknesses appear insurmountable. He was trying to discourage me and overwhelm me, because those two feelings have been what eventually brought me to return to my favorite sins in the past. He was trying to make something little appear enormous, and he was trying to make sure I did not talk to God about it. And as I shared, I realized that sometimes, especially as a single woman, I have to validate myself. I have to be the one to tell me it's okay. I have to be the one to tell me that YES, I deserve to be appreciated, and it's okay and understandable that I do not feel appreciated, and so forth.
One day at a meeting, I wrote this in my ARP manual, "When I'm frustrated, overwhelmed, give it to God. Don't wait till I have to give Him the burden of sin. Give Him the burden of the day."
I did that today, but not till later. However, I'm very grateful I didn't refuse to give him the burden of the day before I had the burden of sin to lay before Him. I could have laid it His feet hours before, and been freed of grief and self-pity the remainder of the day. Or at least it would have been lessened for me. He can validate me, too. Or, help me validate my feelings myself.
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. I can even face tomorrow with Him. And, knowing Him, knowing His tender mercies and His eagerness to help me succeed, I believe He'll help me face tomorrow.
I'm emotionally exhausted, and it's left me also physically exhausted. Satan won a battle today. I was discouraged, like he wanted; overwhelmed, like he wanted; anxious, like he wanted. But tomorrow's another day, and Ima win tomorrow!
The facilitator at tonight's meeting said this to me: "Do you know why you had such a rough 60th day? It's because Satan didn't want you to have a 61st." I responded, "Well, he's going to be sad tomorrow, then."
These words from "Bring on the Rain" are now in my head:
Sometimes I'd like to hide away somewhere and lock the door
A single battle lost, but not the war
'Cause tomorrow's another day
And I'm thirsty anyway
So bring on the rain"
Good night, my dear Readers.
SIXTY DAYS!
Sixty days, sixty days, today it's be been 60 DAYS!
This is a new record. Tomorrow will be a new record. And the day after that. I think. :)
My friends, I thank you for your support. Please continue with it!
Happy day, it's been SIXTY DAYS!!
This is a new record. Tomorrow will be a new record. And the day after that. I think. :)
My friends, I thank you for your support. Please continue with it!
Happy day, it's been SIXTY DAYS!!
Saturday, February 9, 2013
Stepping into my Life; A Confession
Recovery is a strange thing. It's a powerful thing, an enlightening thing, a transforming thing.
You know how people who lose weight and keep it off say things like "It's a lifestyle change!" This is one reason I'm scared to lose weight. I am not interested in changing my entire lifestyle! That sounds way too hard.
However, I have found that recovery from addiction is very similar. I have noticed that, for myself, I cannot recover without changing many aspects of the way I live the rest of my life. There is no such thing as simply changing my addiction. I can't eliminate it without eliminating other bad habits in my life, without creating new ones, without, essentially, changing my entire life.
But here's the thing. It's not that hard! I mean, it's not as huge or as hard as it sounds. Because, as I make changes in one area, I find that I want to make changes in another area. Success breeds success, yes?
Here's the other thing. It's slow. I cannot and do not expect change to happen overnight. I am becoming much, much more patient with myself, and this patience has been very enabling.
Another thing I have noticed is I am slowly becoming acquainted with my life. My life is rich and filled with beauty! I feel like I'm finally becoming a parent! I have always, always loved and cherished my children, of course. But I haven't always been there for them. I have been overcome with this addiction every second of my life, even when I wasn't actively participating in it. Addiction is a force, you know? A horrible, debilitating force that takes you out of your life. At least that's how it's been for me.
But now I'm stepping back into my life. I'm finding out who I am as it relates to my life. It's a very exciting and humbling journey. I'm seeing everything in a new light; most especially my children. I am seeing so clearly the mistakes I have made over the last nine years regarding them. (During my marriage, I wasn't actively engaged in my addiction, but I was actively engaged in hopeless depression, which also took me away from my kids.) I do feel a great deal of guilt about the way I've raised my kids. But I have to forgive myself, because I really was doing the best I could with what I knew.
I make parenting mistakes daily. I feel I haven't been able to focus on parenting all these years because I have focused so much on addiction and/or abstinence. It's tragic, really. I have missed out on so much, and my kids have missed out on a fully invested parent. It's not fair. Addiction is a robber.
I can't go back and fix it. I can't go back and be the parent I should have been. But I can change today. I can forgive myself and move forward. I can step into my life, step into my kids' lives, and slowly change my lifestyle so that I am focusing on them.
How I love my sweet children.
Now, onto something a little less positive. Last night something happened. I made some choices that were not in line with my lifestyle changes. It wasn't a slip. It wasn't a stumble. It was more of a temporary loss of balance, but I caught myself before I fell. I took my eyes off the goal and looked at the storm around me, and lost my balance. I ignored the warnings of the Spirit. But, I did regain my footing before I lost complete control of where I stood.
I woke incredibly angry at myself. How could I? But, it served as a good reminder that I am still wobbly, that I am still not out of the woods, that I'm still fragile.
Onward!
You know how people who lose weight and keep it off say things like "It's a lifestyle change!" This is one reason I'm scared to lose weight. I am not interested in changing my entire lifestyle! That sounds way too hard.
However, I have found that recovery from addiction is very similar. I have noticed that, for myself, I cannot recover without changing many aspects of the way I live the rest of my life. There is no such thing as simply changing my addiction. I can't eliminate it without eliminating other bad habits in my life, without creating new ones, without, essentially, changing my entire life.
But here's the thing. It's not that hard! I mean, it's not as huge or as hard as it sounds. Because, as I make changes in one area, I find that I want to make changes in another area. Success breeds success, yes?
Here's the other thing. It's slow. I cannot and do not expect change to happen overnight. I am becoming much, much more patient with myself, and this patience has been very enabling.
Another thing I have noticed is I am slowly becoming acquainted with my life. My life is rich and filled with beauty! I feel like I'm finally becoming a parent! I have always, always loved and cherished my children, of course. But I haven't always been there for them. I have been overcome with this addiction every second of my life, even when I wasn't actively participating in it. Addiction is a force, you know? A horrible, debilitating force that takes you out of your life. At least that's how it's been for me.
But now I'm stepping back into my life. I'm finding out who I am as it relates to my life. It's a very exciting and humbling journey. I'm seeing everything in a new light; most especially my children. I am seeing so clearly the mistakes I have made over the last nine years regarding them. (During my marriage, I wasn't actively engaged in my addiction, but I was actively engaged in hopeless depression, which also took me away from my kids.) I do feel a great deal of guilt about the way I've raised my kids. But I have to forgive myself, because I really was doing the best I could with what I knew.
I make parenting mistakes daily. I feel I haven't been able to focus on parenting all these years because I have focused so much on addiction and/or abstinence. It's tragic, really. I have missed out on so much, and my kids have missed out on a fully invested parent. It's not fair. Addiction is a robber.
I can't go back and fix it. I can't go back and be the parent I should have been. But I can change today. I can forgive myself and move forward. I can step into my life, step into my kids' lives, and slowly change my lifestyle so that I am focusing on them.
How I love my sweet children.
Now, onto something a little less positive. Last night something happened. I made some choices that were not in line with my lifestyle changes. It wasn't a slip. It wasn't a stumble. It was more of a temporary loss of balance, but I caught myself before I fell. I took my eyes off the goal and looked at the storm around me, and lost my balance. I ignored the warnings of the Spirit. But, I did regain my footing before I lost complete control of where I stood.
I woke incredibly angry at myself. How could I? But, it served as a good reminder that I am still wobbly, that I am still not out of the woods, that I'm still fragile.
Onward!
Friday, February 8, 2013
Short Progress Report
Eight weeks today! Even six weeks ago, eight weeks seemed so far and so impossible, and yet I'm here.
God blesses my every effort, how ever small.
God is so good! Life is so good. I hope I never go back because I really like it here.
God blesses my every effort, how ever small.
God is so good! Life is so good. I hope I never go back because I really like it here.
Tuesday, February 5, 2013
And Today it Hit Me: God Will Not Abandon Me
I am overcome with gratitude.
I attended my PASG meeting tonight. As usual, thoughts of "stay home" played in my head. "The kids need to go to bed early. They NEED sleep." "Missing one night isn't going to hurt." "I'm so tired. I'll probably fall asleep anyway." "I don't have anything to share."
But, in the end, I know where I am. I am one week from being 60 days clean, and I cannot afford a second of slacking. I must use every tool that is offered me, especially at this crucial time.
I don't know that I have ever been so affected by an ARP meeting as I was by tonight's, besides my first meeting ever. The spirit covered me from head to toe. I needed to be there.
We have so many tools! We have all the tools we need to recover! I didn't know about them all for many years. I'm sure I don't know about them all now. But I am so grateful to a God who gives us these tools, who created this program, who offers the spirit of His love when we're where we're supposed to be.
Anyway, every man in attendance tonight -- every man -- said something that I needed to hear in order to find healing, or comfort, or encouragement.
My wise and dear Father in Heaven knew that I have been fearing this coming week. He knew it before I did. I was refusing to acknowledge the fear! But I was quite fearful. Last time I made it this far, I gave it up at about 57 or 58 days. And I was afraid that I'll do that again, and God knew it.
So, tonight, at the meeting, He helped me to acknowledge my fear. Oh. I'm afraid! And then, He reminded me that I have no need to fear. He will not abandon me! He will not abandon me. He's not going to get me to 60 days and then say "Okay, you're on your own now. See ya." He will continue to carry me through, as He has hitherto done, and so I needn't fear! As long as I continue to trust Him and to give him daily efforts, He will continue to carry me when I need it.
During the course of the meeting, Heavenly Father put in my head the lyrics to a hymn I haven't thought of in a while:
Fear not, I am with thee. Oh, be not afraid
For I am thy God and will still give thee aid
I'll strengthen thee, help thee, and cause thee to stand
Upheld by my righteous, omnipotent hand.
(Hymns, #85)
The line "For I am thy God and will still give thee aid" went through my brain over and over, and by it I found great comfort. Of course He will still give me aid! He's gotten me this far and, from what I know of God and His character, He's not about to abandon me now! I don't know what about this is so profound to me. I mean, didn't I already know that? Shouldn't I have already known that?
Maybe I knew it, but I had never taken the time to realize it. And now I know that I know that He will not forsake me. He is my God and will still give me aid!
How I love Him. How I love Him for not abandoning me.
I attended my PASG meeting tonight. As usual, thoughts of "stay home" played in my head. "The kids need to go to bed early. They NEED sleep." "Missing one night isn't going to hurt." "I'm so tired. I'll probably fall asleep anyway." "I don't have anything to share."
But, in the end, I know where I am. I am one week from being 60 days clean, and I cannot afford a second of slacking. I must use every tool that is offered me, especially at this crucial time.
I don't know that I have ever been so affected by an ARP meeting as I was by tonight's, besides my first meeting ever. The spirit covered me from head to toe. I needed to be there.
We have so many tools! We have all the tools we need to recover! I didn't know about them all for many years. I'm sure I don't know about them all now. But I am so grateful to a God who gives us these tools, who created this program, who offers the spirit of His love when we're where we're supposed to be.
Anyway, every man in attendance tonight -- every man -- said something that I needed to hear in order to find healing, or comfort, or encouragement.
My wise and dear Father in Heaven knew that I have been fearing this coming week. He knew it before I did. I was refusing to acknowledge the fear! But I was quite fearful. Last time I made it this far, I gave it up at about 57 or 58 days. And I was afraid that I'll do that again, and God knew it.
So, tonight, at the meeting, He helped me to acknowledge my fear. Oh. I'm afraid! And then, He reminded me that I have no need to fear. He will not abandon me! He will not abandon me. He's not going to get me to 60 days and then say "Okay, you're on your own now. See ya." He will continue to carry me through, as He has hitherto done, and so I needn't fear! As long as I continue to trust Him and to give him daily efforts, He will continue to carry me when I need it.
During the course of the meeting, Heavenly Father put in my head the lyrics to a hymn I haven't thought of in a while:
Fear not, I am with thee. Oh, be not afraid
For I am thy God and will still give thee aid
I'll strengthen thee, help thee, and cause thee to stand
Upheld by my righteous, omnipotent hand.
(Hymns, #85)
The line "For I am thy God and will still give thee aid" went through my brain over and over, and by it I found great comfort. Of course He will still give me aid! He's gotten me this far and, from what I know of God and His character, He's not about to abandon me now! I don't know what about this is so profound to me. I mean, didn't I already know that? Shouldn't I have already known that?
Maybe I knew it, but I had never taken the time to realize it. And now I know that I know that He will not forsake me. He is my God and will still give me aid!
How I love Him. How I love Him for not abandoning me.
Press Forward!
I felt like God spoke to me with these verses during my regular scripture reading the other night. These verses are in 2 Nephi chapter 31.
19 And now, my beloved [Erin], after ye have gotten into this strait and narrow path, I would ask if all is done? Behold, I say unto you, Nay; for ye have not come thus far save it were by the word of Christ with unshaken faith in him, relying wholly upon the merits of him who is mighty to save.
20 Wherefore, ye must press forward with a steadfastness in Christ, having a perfect brightness of hope, and a love of God and of all men. Wherefore, if ye shall press forward, feasting upon the word of Christ, and endure to the end, behold, thus saith the Father: Ye shall have eternal life.
21 And now, behold, my beloved [Erin], this is the away; and there is none other way nor name given under heaven whereby man can be saved in the kingdom of God. And now, behold, this is the doctrine of Christ, and the only and true doctrine of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Ghost, which is one God, without end. Amen.
I feel like this was a push to GET MOVING! Now that I'm out of the hardest part (I hope), I can't just sit here. I need to keep moving. I admit that I have slowed down a bit in the past few weeks, and that is very dangerous. So after I read this, I finally completed my assignment my sponsor gave me like four weeks ago. I had family scriptures with my family, too. It's vital that I keep going forward.
Also, these beautiful verses filled me with hope, reassurance, and encouragement.
Yay!
19 And now, my beloved [Erin], after ye have gotten into this strait and narrow path, I would ask if all is done? Behold, I say unto you, Nay; for ye have not come thus far save it were by the word of Christ with unshaken faith in him, relying wholly upon the merits of him who is mighty to save.
20 Wherefore, ye must press forward with a steadfastness in Christ, having a perfect brightness of hope, and a love of God and of all men. Wherefore, if ye shall press forward, feasting upon the word of Christ, and endure to the end, behold, thus saith the Father: Ye shall have eternal life.
21 And now, behold, my beloved [Erin], this is the away; and there is none other way nor name given under heaven whereby man can be saved in the kingdom of God. And now, behold, this is the doctrine of Christ, and the only and true doctrine of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Ghost, which is one God, without end. Amen.
I feel like this was a push to GET MOVING! Now that I'm out of the hardest part (I hope), I can't just sit here. I need to keep moving. I admit that I have slowed down a bit in the past few weeks, and that is very dangerous. So after I read this, I finally completed my assignment my sponsor gave me like four weeks ago. I had family scriptures with my family, too. It's vital that I keep going forward.
Also, these beautiful verses filled me with hope, reassurance, and encouragement.
Yay!
Friday, February 1, 2013
God's Love is Still Real
Perhaps you remember how I had expressed worry that I wouldn't have those sweet moments of feeling God's love if I kept sobriety.
Today I was proven wrong! HOORAY! I have been feeling so good lately. I have tried so hard to take the reins of my thoughts and control the direction I want them to go. Thought is so powerful. This isn't news. This isn't some great discovery. We've had this information so long- that thought is powerful! I don't know why it seems that so few exercise their full power over thought.
It's easier, far easier, to control my thoughts than it is to control my reaction to them. I have been working hard keeping the negativity out of my head. All of it. As soon as I recognize that a thought is negative, I boot it out and replace it with something positive. God is so good because He is giving me time to master this. I feel like I haven't been hugely tempted yet, and I think that He is rewarding my efforts.
So, anyway, I was driving today, thinking about all my blessings. I was thinking about how great it is to be 7 weeks free of addiction's bind. I was thinking of how great it is that Jesus rescued me over and over, so many different times, even when He knew I would later fall. All of my past successes have led to this point. All of my past failures have led to this point. I don't know if I'm ever going to slip or relapse, but I'm not going to worry about that right now. I'm not going to worry about that ever. If it happens, worrying about it now isn't going to change that. However, worrying about it now, may very well ensure that it will.
I'm still taking this one day at a time, though. It's so cliche, but it's so crucial. I remembered seeing a quote once that suggested to, during the Sacrament, think about the promises you kept the week before, and the promises you will keep the coming week. The moment I thought about making a promise to stay clean for a whole week, I was filled with terror. I can't promise that! I can't do a week at a time. My mind went into a frenzy and for a short moment, fear occupied every space of it. I immediately calmed myself down and reminded myself that I can go a day a time, and that's okay. I really only have to be clean for one day, that's it. I only have to make it through one day. Just one day. As long as that day's today, that is all I need to do. Just one day. Often, closer to the beginning of this 7 week stretch, when a temptation begged my attention, I'd simply tell myself, "no for now." It's comforting to me. Even though I know I really hope to say "no forever," "no for now" is easier to swallow. Sometimes I had to say "no for now" several times a day. Now, I don't want to succumb to the Adversary, so it's not so much "no for now" as it is "what are you doing here? Go away." hahaha. However,the "no for now" philosophy is helping a great deal with my Pepsi addiction (though I sometimes still say "yes for now" -- ha -- I have been consuming far less of that stuff).
But, I digress. Again, I was driving today (wow, that was a long tangent!) and realizing just how good I have it, how blessed I am, and I prayed. As I talked to my loving Father in Heaven, I felt His spirit near. I talked and talked and He listened and then He responded by filling my heart with that familiar warmth that I have always loved so much about that moment of repenting. As I drove, I cried, and I knew that everything would be okay.
It's nice here. Right now I feel like there's nothing I can't do, if I want to do it. I have God on my side, and He's bigger than any challenge. Instead of fearing tomorrow, I face it with courage, to the very best of my ability.
Eleven days to go till 60 days! I'm already shopping for CTR rings. :)
Today I was proven wrong! HOORAY! I have been feeling so good lately. I have tried so hard to take the reins of my thoughts and control the direction I want them to go. Thought is so powerful. This isn't news. This isn't some great discovery. We've had this information so long- that thought is powerful! I don't know why it seems that so few exercise their full power over thought.
It's easier, far easier, to control my thoughts than it is to control my reaction to them. I have been working hard keeping the negativity out of my head. All of it. As soon as I recognize that a thought is negative, I boot it out and replace it with something positive. God is so good because He is giving me time to master this. I feel like I haven't been hugely tempted yet, and I think that He is rewarding my efforts.
So, anyway, I was driving today, thinking about all my blessings. I was thinking about how great it is to be 7 weeks free of addiction's bind. I was thinking of how great it is that Jesus rescued me over and over, so many different times, even when He knew I would later fall. All of my past successes have led to this point. All of my past failures have led to this point. I don't know if I'm ever going to slip or relapse, but I'm not going to worry about that right now. I'm not going to worry about that ever. If it happens, worrying about it now isn't going to change that. However, worrying about it now, may very well ensure that it will.
I'm still taking this one day at a time, though. It's so cliche, but it's so crucial. I remembered seeing a quote once that suggested to, during the Sacrament, think about the promises you kept the week before, and the promises you will keep the coming week. The moment I thought about making a promise to stay clean for a whole week, I was filled with terror. I can't promise that! I can't do a week at a time. My mind went into a frenzy and for a short moment, fear occupied every space of it. I immediately calmed myself down and reminded myself that I can go a day a time, and that's okay. I really only have to be clean for one day, that's it. I only have to make it through one day. Just one day. As long as that day's today, that is all I need to do. Just one day. Often, closer to the beginning of this 7 week stretch, when a temptation begged my attention, I'd simply tell myself, "no for now." It's comforting to me. Even though I know I really hope to say "no forever," "no for now" is easier to swallow. Sometimes I had to say "no for now" several times a day. Now, I don't want to succumb to the Adversary, so it's not so much "no for now" as it is "what are you doing here? Go away." hahaha. However,the "no for now" philosophy is helping a great deal with my Pepsi addiction (though I sometimes still say "yes for now" -- ha -- I have been consuming far less of that stuff).
But, I digress. Again, I was driving today (wow, that was a long tangent!) and realizing just how good I have it, how blessed I am, and I prayed. As I talked to my loving Father in Heaven, I felt His spirit near. I talked and talked and He listened and then He responded by filling my heart with that familiar warmth that I have always loved so much about that moment of repenting. As I drove, I cried, and I knew that everything would be okay.
It's nice here. Right now I feel like there's nothing I can't do, if I want to do it. I have God on my side, and He's bigger than any challenge. Instead of fearing tomorrow, I face it with courage, to the very best of my ability.
Eleven days to go till 60 days! I'm already shopping for CTR rings. :)
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