Tonight, just a bit ago, I almost gave in. The temptation surprised me. I had a great day. I had a really great day. Everything went so smoothly at work, and at my kids' schools, and we all had a wonderful evening together. The attacks on my spirit aren't as prevalent on good days. So, yeah, it took me by surprise.
I wanted it so bad. OH MY GOODNESS. The desires were eating at my flesh. It was like an itch, one of those really bad, biting, instant itches that you have to scratch right away.
But. I didn't scratch. Actually, let's put it this way. I started to scratch, but only for a tiny moment, and not nearly enough to satisfy the urgent itch.
But then I remembered "I the Lord am bound when ye do what I say. But when ye do not what I say, ye have no promise." I haven't recalled that verse in quite a while. But it repeated in my head, competing with the images I wanted to see and the feelings I wanted to feel. I the Lord am bound when ye do what I say. I also remembered how I want to worthily partake of the Sacrament. I also remembered the recent encouragement of a new friend. All these things to compete with my flesh.
Then I cried, and prayed the itch away. As soon as I called out to my Father, he was there. The more I asked for His help, the stronger I became.
Why does He want to save me? I mean.... I guess I know why. "This is my work and my glory . . ." etc. I guess I don't really know what I'm asking. I'm astonished at His long-suffering. I stand all amazed at His love! He was there. He was there as soon as I called. He took away that itch and replaced it with a reminder of who I seek to become.
I must really mean something to Him.
When I think of how close I came to failing my goal of making it through the year (and month, even!!), I'm crestfallen. But when I think of how my Savior Saved me after I'd jumped into the pit I'd dug myself, I rejoice.
I must really mean something to Him.
Don't give up, ever! There's a quote from CS Lewis that I like to remember when things get really tough to handle, it's from his book "The Screwtape Letters", in it the Senior Tempter Screwtape counsels his novice nephew: "I note with great displeasure that the Enemy has, for the time being, put a forcible end to your direct attacks on the patient's chastity. You ought to have known that He always does in the end, and you ought to have stopped before you reached that stage. For as things are, your man has now discovered the dangerous truth that these attacks don't last forever; consequently you cannot use again what is, after all, our best weapon-- the belief of ignorant humans, that there is no hope of getting rid of us except by yielding." Remember that eventually the temptations will end, as you grow stronger, eventually you will be completely free of these urges, and you will be in complete control again. Just remember that when the urges come that you can withstand them. Sometimes the attacks come from without, sometimes from within. Take the example of Captain Moroni and the Kingsmen, if we use this story as an allegory of our own minds and thoughts, a whole new interpretation comes out of it. Sometimes the attacks come from without, as Moroni fought the Lamanites on the borders of his lands, he feared that his forces were growing thin, and yet no help seemed to be coming from his brethren in the countryside. The Lamanites are like Satan's advances, wearing down our defenses with seemingly endless numbers and a tenacity to destroy us. It feels like we cannot withstand and we wonder why we aren't receiving more strength from within. Moroni did the same thing and angrily departed into the inner part of his country to defeat the evil Kingsmen that sought to overthrow the judges. We all have our Kingsmen thoughts in our heads, betraying, dark thoughts that threaten to give us over to the enemy and take us further away from our hard-fought freedoms that the Lord has given us. Yet, in the end, Moroni vanquished the Kingsmen and returned to the front lines with the necessary reinforcements to defeat the Lamanites and restore peace to his beloved country. Heavenly Father will do the same for us. Take courage! This has been a really long post, but it was heartfelt. The victory is closer at hand than you might think.
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