that's me. happy thankgsiving to me. maybe it's just too hard. maybe i'll never get it. maybe i'm only pretending to try. maybe i'd be happier if i just gave up.
i don't believe any of that.
maybe i will conquer. so. in case that's true, i'll keep trying i think.
i just want to die today. my son said he dreamed we were in a star wars wii game and he stabbed me. i kinda want to be stabbed.
very honestly, i used to cut myself. i told you i'm a mess. i severely lack coping skills. it was a habit of sorts. whenever i felt anxiety i'd release it through the breaking of my skin. it wasn't as bad as some of those people you hear about cutting their wrists. i would barely barely break the skin and just release only a little bit of blood. but it worked. but anyway i was addicted. and i haven't done it in years. and i am 99% certain i will never do it again.
that sad story gives me hope. but right now i don't deserve hope.
i am low now, so low, sick, despicable. and yet, from my God, all I feel is love. Distance, yes, because of the fact I just ran from Him full speed into the darkness of our enemy. But love.
God forgive me, God forgive me, God forgive me! Again.
remember what I said about those dark thoughts? You DO deserve to be happy, stop thinking that you're not worth it. Christ evidently thought so, or else He wouldn't have done what he did, so stop thinking that you're not worth His sacrifice, He's already decided that you are, and He knows a lot better than you do, and He says that you do deserve to be happy, to be forgiven, to find peace, to be joyful, and all those other things. Satan is the one who tells you that you're not worthy of joy, or happiness. The very thought that you have the ability to overcome these temptations is something alone to be joyous about,and trust me, YOU CAN MAKE IT!! Have confidence in the fact that you were meant to have joy, just like everyone else on this planet, and stop picking on yourself. You are worth it, all of it. Heavenly Father never wants us to think that we're not worthy of having joy, or of feeling happiness. Perhaps it is the feelings that you're not worthy of those joyful emotions that drives you to commit your sins again and again, and is that helping you to repent? Is "feeling awful" about yourself and tearing yourself down really helping you to repent? I can already tell you that no it's not, so stop thinking that it does. If you think you are worthy of being happy, it will be easier to resist the temptations and remember why you're fighting them in the first place. Find things that make you happy, and stop dwelling on the dark places you've been so much. You are a choice daughter of God, as such, you are worth so much more than this world has to offer in the ways of joy and happiness, sullied or pure. That is a lesson that has been a long time coming for me to understand, I hope it doesn't take you as long as it did me to figure that out.
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