Fasting

I'm still doing alright! I'd like to make it to the end of the year without another slip-up. That's only 2 months. So I can do that. That's not to say that after that, I'll give into all my carnal desires. I expect that after 2 months of abstaining from my favorite sins, I'll have better learned to tame and restrain said carnal desires.

I'm only a little worried. I don't have that resolve I had before, where I was sure that I'd shut that door on evil. I hate to admit, that I am no longer so sure. I wish for the return of that resolve.

However, I'm continuing to make better choices.

The last time I failed, I realized that I hadn't fasted in quite some time. Oh, I skip a meal and sometimes two when Fast Sunday rolls around. But I hate it. I hate fasting. My efforts were weak; not efforts at all. I'd mumble a prayer in my head and call it my fasting prayer and then eat way before 24 hours had passed. I hadn't had a real fast since before I was pregnant with my first kid.

So, after the last time I gave in to the Devil, I fasted. A real fast.

And now, since it's Fast Sunday tomorrow, I'm fasting again. I can do it. This is henceforth going to be normal behavior for me.

The Spirit was whispering to me before I messed up, whispering that I need to fast. I wish I'd listened before my fall.

But here I am, fasting, praying, reading my scriptures. Adding a little bit at a time. that's why I'm going to come off conqueror.

Today I went to the temple for the first time in a very long time. I also don't enjoy going to the temple. I always think it's about 3 hours I could be doing something else. Of course, I never regret it. I love the peace I find there. While I am worthy, I must go.

Every so often -- actually, every month -- I have a little episode of depression. Sometimes it's not little. I think I may have PMDD. But when I'm down like that, depressed, I lose faith, I lose will because I lose passion. I get to a point where I don't care if I go to Hell because that's what I deserve anyway. And that's usually when I give in. I can feel it creeping into me now. I can feel the senseless anxiety and the unwarranted hopelessness begin and deep loneliness. And I'm not sure how to guard against it. I've finally accepted that I can't stop it. But perhaps I can steel myself and prepare myself sufficiently and guard myself spiritually insomuch that I will make it through without giving control to my flesh. Because it always ends. It's always so real and important, but it always ends.

I won't give in. That dark cloud is coming now, and I won't give in.

I'm so grateful that God has come to rescue me, has sent His Son to rescue me.