And yet....

I was wrong.

The cloud came. The darkness flooded. I failed to put on the armor of God.

O, God! O my Father! When wilt Thou purge my soul?

Just as I predicted, just as always, that depression came over for a visit. It's still here. I anticipate another week or so before it leaves.

I didn't even read my scriptures that day. How could I be so dumb? I knew it was coming, and I neglected my spiritual needs! I think that any other time of the month, skipping a day of scripture study wouldn't have had such dire results. And I'm not even saying that if I had read that I would have been able to withstand the temptation. But, it sure was a risky thing to do. Skip that on a day when I should have known I'd need it most. I'm sure my failure to read contributed to my FAILURE in general. Because, by small and simple things are great things brought to pass.

It's just sick that I opened up that door I swore I never again would. How can I believe in myself when I've proven myself untrustworthy? On that note, why make new promises now when I know I won't necessarily keep them?

I didn't even make it a month this time. I was supposed to go longer.

But . . . it was 3 weeks. Which is still longer than custom.

Whatever, Erin, there is nothing to congratulate here. Nothing.

I even fasted, TWICE, since my last time, both times for strength and will to overcome this sin-prison. I even felt great enough to go the temple last week! Why wasn't THAT enough for extra strength through a dark time?

Choices.

One of my friends had been going on about some famous guy I'd never heard of so I looked up his picture to see what he looks like. There was this one image of him, which wasn't particularly offensive, nor was it anything I'm ever attracted to, but it sent my mind buzzing. Then the whole, "I just wanna see a pic of such-and-such happening, that's it." "Oh, now I just need to see this image. But that's all. Then I'll go to bed." "Oh, wait, I wonder if this search has any results, I'm just gonna check, then I'll go to bed." And so the lies went until I gave into the flesh, after which I promptly felt like crap.

It's been a few days now and I still feel like whacking my head repeatedly against a solid surface. I still feel like screaming and ripping apart my insides. I still feel like a failure. I still feel like I let my Savior down, and I know I did.

But, I know He loves me still. I know He wants me with Him still. I know there's a place for me still. A place with my Father, with my Savior, with my loved ones. And while I live, I must still strive to fill that place.

Jesus lives. God lives. They love me.

A different direction:
I was so sensitive to porn for most of my life. It repulsed me a great deal. Then I found a blank video tape in my then-husband's possession that I played while he was gone. It was totally innocent. I had no idea he would have anything like that; I thought the video would be home movies or something. No. It was disgusting porn, a bunch of young drunk naked idiots messing around.

I wanted to throw up. I shook and cried and felt so sick. I confronted my ex about it and he made up some lie and said he'd take care of it.

The images I saw for maybe 2 seconds repeated, uninvited, in my head. A week or so later, I found a blank tape in the bedroom. I was certain my ex wouldn't be so careless as to leave it there again. But, I had to know if he was still watching porn. So I put it in. And it was still nasty porn. But I was so overcome with curiosity, that I watched it a little longer. Again, my ex lied about it, and I never saw the tape again.

And that's how it began. After our divorce, those images played again through my mind. I still remember that first snippet of video, and it's been about a decade.

That being said, knowing how easy it is to get into this stuff which now binds me in this self-created, self-perpetuated hell, I'm terrified for my children. All it takes is one time. And now, they're saying most kids are exposed to porn by the age of 10. How can I protect my kids when I'm in it myself?