One Baby Step

Well I finally got myself an appointment with a counselor. My first appointment is in 2 weeks. I am actually looking forward to it, a little. I really need help, I need to figure out what is in my brain that is driving me to this repetition of self destruction. I have a lot of childhood issues I need to talk to someone about. My childhood was mostly great with a few dark, dark points. I've hidden those points in the cobwebbed corners of my consciousness because I'd convinced myself they don't matter. Now, I'm starting to believe otherwise. Maybe they do matter. Maybe my feelings do count.

Even if those events have nothing or little to do with my addiction (though they seem like they just may be directly related), it'll be helpful in other ways to work them out I think.

I'm also very nervous. I was so nervous walking in today and making the appointment. I blurted out some speedy introduction (I'll tell you exactly what it was: "I'm a relatively normal person with issues I'd like to work out. Do you offer services for people like me?" it was really fast) and said many stupid things in effort to hide my embarrassment, but as a result, only enhanced it. Luckily, the place I went had no openings in that site, but plenty at another site, so I may never have to see that kind receptionist again.

So that part is over. I think my initial appointment will be difficult. But talking to strangers is easier for me than talking to people I love, at least about heavy issues, so it may not be so bad. I hope I only need it a few weeks.

I hope, with all my heart, that it helps.