I was just reading "Cleansing the Inner Vessel," a talk by Pres. Boyd K Packer from this last conference. This very talk is the one the caused all the controversy and managed to get dear Pres. Packer labeled a "bully."
Well. This talk is inspiring. Very. But I have some questions about it. Pres. Packer says the Priesthood can heal those who are entangled in sins of immorality, specifically pornography. Is this limited to those who hold the Power? For example: "Priesthood holders carry with them the antidote to remove the terrible images of pornography and to wash away guilt." The part I'm interested in is where it says "remove the terrible images of pornography." How literally is this to be taken? Remove the images from where? Our minds? I've held pornographic images in my mind for, like, a decade. I'm not saying I remember every image I've ever seen; I certainly don't. But many of them never go away. And then they appear in before my consciousness of a sudden, and uninvited, and I hate them! I feel the shame of my sin when I see them during a clean time. Sometimes, they serve as a temptation. Sometimes, as a reminder of who I have become. Sometimes, I am so sickened that I have partaken in this great evil-- the people in these "images" are PEOPLE. They are children of God. And look what they're doing to themselves! It makes me so sad. What must have happened in their lives to inspire them to advertise their bodies in this way? And I know I am no better. I perpetuate it. I am a reason they treat their bodies and spirits so disrespectfully. Shoot, I treat their bodies the same way.
These people have parents. Some have kids. They're people. I'm so sad for them. I'm aware of that striking contradiction. I don't understand how I worry for their souls but I support their damnation.
Anyway. Those images I always thought I would never be able to fully expel. But, here, Pres. Packer is saying those images can be removed. Does he mean from our minds, memories? I WANT THAT! How do I get that? He said "Priesthood holders carry with them the antidote . . ." but what about us women? Can we share in that antidote? How do we get it? I'm not just going to ask a Priesthood Holder if he'll remove the pornographic images from my memory.
But what a great tool that would be, to have those memories banished! Really, how literally is this statement to be taken?
Also: "If one is obedient, the priesthood can show how to break a habit and even erase an addiction." Again, there is no HOW. I know that I have as much right to Priesthood power as any man. I know that. I have seen its effects in my life and I know its power is not limited to men. But what I don't know, is HOW can the Priesthood show ME how to break a habit and erase an addiction. Erase an addiction! Erase it, like an eraser erases pencils markings? So it's totally gone? Forever?
I must know, how can the Priesthood do this for me?
now it seems as though I am the stalker, but this is my interpretation of what President Packer was talking about. The priesthood does have the power to erase the images of the pornography and help you to overcome your addictions. You are already tapping into that reservoir of power by speaking with your bishop, he is the head of the priesthood for you at this point in your life. You've already put forward a lot more courage than many people who fall short in their faith in that regards. I have come to the conclusion, however, at least in my life and from what I've experienced (my form of a disclaimer, what I'm about to say is the gospel according to Ben and should not be considered as actual doctrine, merely my interpretation thereof) the images and feelings that we experienced in our moments of sin won't ever leave us for good. We will always be able to conjure up the feelings of guilt, the images of the immorality or violence, or sin in general that we have participated in or witnessed (either in person or vicariously through some form of medium). We have to force ourselves to forget them once we have gone through the process of repentance. Elder Scott wrote in regards to revelation that if we propose something that is wrong to the Lord, that we will have a stupor of thought that will cause us to forget the thing that we ask, referencing the scripture in the D&C, then he proposed that the "causing us to forget" is more of a willful choice, something that we must do, not have done to us. I think the same principle can be applied to our sins. Also, unfortunately, while our sins will be wiped away, and we can cleanse ourselves of iniquity, I don't believe that the memories of the sins themselves ever truly go away, they can be forced away through acts of will, they can be ignored and left to die in the dark corners of our mind where we do not feed them the life-sustaining attention that they crave. Indeed, President Packer even states that "Strangely enough, it may be that the simplest and most powerful prevention and cure for pornography, or any unclean act, is to ignore and avoid it. Delete from the mind any unworthy thought that tries to take root. Once you have decided to remain clean, you are asserting your God-given agency. And then, as President Smith counseled, 'Don’t look back.' " Yet in the end, I believe that we will always have a memory of our sins, not as a punishment, but as a safeguard and as a learning tool. God is never one to simply wipe away a bad thing, He is always after us to improve ourselves and become better by overcoming our obstacles such as sin. While the memories may always remain, so as to help us not repeat them, and to help us relate and strengthen others going through the process, the pain of the sins committed can be erased and even returned to joy. We will glory in the fact that we are once again worthy to stand in His presence, because remember, ALL of us are unworthy before him, no matter what degree of sin we have committed. Don't be afraid or doubt, have faith that you'll overcome, when you fall (IF you fall again on this matter) you pick yourself up and start moving forward, "As often as my people repent will I forgive them their trespasses against me." It's an ongoing process. Even after you are completely free from pornography, you're still not going to be perfect, but you're going to be worthy to again take the sacrament, to be able to look into the eyes of the Lord and even hug him, rather than cowering back from his presence.
ReplyDeleteKeep following the steps outlined by your bishop, make sure you have faith that you can beat this addiction, have faith in yourself, don't ever allow thoughts of doubt or discouragement to enter your thoughts. Don't let yourself think "I'm a horrible mother because I am unworthy" or "My children would be better off without me" or any other such rot. You are struggling with a powerful poison, I know that when those thoughts come that sometimes it's hard to ignore them, it's hard not to give credence to them when you feel like they make such good, valid points as to your character. But remember, you are the one who makes the decision to entertain those dark thoughts, nobody else. Have faith in yourself, banish those thoughts. I sing the second stanza of the first verse of "A Child's Prayer" from the nursery song book when I feel myself thinking negatively about my character, the words "Heavenly Father, I remember now, something that Jesus told disciples long ago, suffer the children to come to me, Father in prayer I'm coming now to thee!" reminds me that I, too am a child, and Jesus Christ has asked me to come unto Him, even though some disciples unwittingly would deny me that honor, He bids me come with open arms and a warm smile. He is so proud and happy to see both of us, wretched sinners in our own ways. Have faith in that promise, that you can overcome, because you are worth it. You are NOT a horrible parent, you were NOT a horrible spouse, you are NOT a bad person, you ARE a loving mother that is worried about the welfare of your children, you ARE a loving daughter of Heavenly Father which you demonstrate by going through this repentance process rather than simply giving up, and you ARE a good person who has some bad tendencies that you must overcome. Only be ashamed to the extent necessary to get you to change and to feel Godly Sorrow, don't go beyond that, and don't let the guilt and shame spill over into the rest of your life, I know that it's hard, I suffer from depression a lot of days, but it's all worth it in the end. This has been a really long winded comment, but I hope it helps.
ReplyDeleteIt helps, Brother, more than you know.
ReplyDelete