Observations

I like that I'm not letting this last set back destroy me. I think there's a balance you must maintain. I don't think I'm there yet. You have to be sufficiently sorry for your mistakes, but you can't let it destroy you, or what's a Savior for? On the other hand, you can't go on thinking you're just fine, thinking mistakes don't really matter because we have Jesus. That's pride, and that's another sin. So there's a balance. There's a medium. That's rough. All I know is, right now, I'm working on not letting it get the best of me, literally. I'm not letting this mistake take over everything about me that's good. I'm not letting myself become discouraged, because discouragement is a breeding ground for sin. So, rather than waiting for a time in misery before turning back to God; in essence, I'm turning back to Him right away. And I think that's appropriate. I just hope I'm not going over that balance area into the other side of not taking grownup responsibility for my behavior.

I did go see a counselor the other week. It was an enlightening experience, but I'm not going back. At least not to her. She did tell me that I'm not actually addicted. And.... there might be truth to that. I don't need porn. So, I think she's right that I'm not addicted to pornography. I do believe, however, that I'm addicted to the feeling. When I do overcome this once and for all, the withdrawals I'll face won't be over pornography, but over that feeling it enhances. This little bit of info is encouraging because it makes overcoming porn easier. Less overwhelming. More attainable.

I wonder if that makes sense to the common outsider.

So, what I need to do is eliminate pornography (duh!) and see what happens. Will I create my own mental scenarios? Yes. So what's the difference? I think that while mental "fantasies" (I put it in quotes because I hate that word. And I'm ashamed to think of my thoughts in that way. But I guess that's what it is, really) ultimately create the same atmosphere, I'm not actually victimizing any people. Besides that, when I'm looking at porn, everything is accelerated. By resorting to my imagination, I'll be forced to slow down, which may possibly, and very likely, win the mental battle, that "I should not be doing this, I wish I wasn't doing this, I need to stop doing this-- oh it's too late. I'm already in it." That thought process will be longer, and different, and I'd find more success I think. Rather than "It's too late, I'm already here," it just may be "time to think about something else. Now." and it will be simply a matter of changing the mental channel. Viewing someone else's creation of porn doesn't allow for that as much. It's too scintillating. It's kinda like a horrible train wreck. Horrifying, but hard to look away.

This is fascinating. I'm learning all this stuff WHILE I'm typing here, and it makes a lot of sense, and I think I'm right.

Creating a new me is like inventing something new. An inventor, if s/he wants to be successful, never gives up after failure. They just try something new until they reach the desired product. So, it's time to try something new.

I'm going to try an experiment. I'm taking my computer down today. I'm packing it away for a few weeks. I want to know if I'll still screw up my life with mental images or if that's all I'll really need to overcome this. Because I never seek for porn outside of the internet in my own home. I don't see myself ever doing that.

I'll report in a few weeks. I wish my reader(s) a very wonderful 2011!

However

It seems that whenever I acknowledge that I'm doing well, that's when I stop doing well. There has to be a way to NOT do that.

But this time I'm not going to be discouraged. This time I'm going to keep moving forward, almost as if nothing happened. I'm still going to properly repent but I'm not going to let this get me so down that I lose focus entirely.

I'm so mad at myself though.

Merry Christmas

For unto us a child is born! For unto Erin a Son is given!

I love this time of year. I love how the world, even when it evades every thought of Jesus Christ, must think of Him now, for His name is in this holiday's name. Even when people write "Xmas," IF they are doing it to purposefully cross out the name of Jesus, they think of Him when they do so. (Though, I don't think that's the case... I think most use it simply as a legitimate shortcut to writing out "Christmas." I, myself, knowing 'X' is the Greek letter for "Chi" and therefore became a symbol of Christ's very title, have no problem with Xmas.)

Pardon my tangent.

I wonder if all these thoughts on Jesus' name is partly what makes this time of year so wonderful. So many people all thinking of Jesus at once - even if briefly, even if accidentally, even if grudgingly - must do SOME good, right?

I have had a wonderful day. This week was rough because I didn't have my kids. They were with their father from Monday to yesterday night. I was lonely. But I was prepared. I knew it would be difficult. I knew I would have a hard time being alone so long, and I'm always sad when my kids aren't with me. And I know that sadness + loneliness = Erin's guard dropping, often. So I made sure to study my scriptures and pray sincerely and not spend a lot of time at home in the evening and not spend a lot of time on the computer. And I made it through! I'm so grateful! I feel so much better right now than I would have if I'd opened myself to temptation. But I remained closed to it. And I feel great.

Right now, even though my kids are home, I do feel a bit tempted. But it's Christmas Day, Reader, and I just couldn't do something so awful on Christmas Day. Well, I won't. I guess I could.

One problem for me is I forget. I fail to hold in remembrance things that are so important. But, I realized today that I know how to do this. I know how to retain things in remembrance. I'm always so extremely grateful for my health, and for the health of my kids. I constantly think on children who have cancer, on women who have horrible diseases, on people in general who have to suffer through pain and misery all the time because of their poor health, due to no fault of their own. And I am so very grateful that I am not currently in such a situation. I am profoundly grateful for the use of all my limbs, my senses, my mind; and for that of my children. And I know that it may not always be so. We may wake one morning and one of us may lose use of something. One of us may, at any time, become a severely disabled human being. But, we are very healthy now . . . and I am always grateful for that. And I tell my kids that they're so lucky, and I tell my kids about other kids that have cancer and other sicknesses and physical disabilities, and I even remind them that some kids just get mildly sick frequently, and how lucky are we that, so far, we only get a little bit sick once or twice a year. I am truly grateful for my health.

So, if I can remember that, all the time, then why can't I remember how sick I feel after I participate in sins involving pornography, until I'm THERE again? Why don't I bring to remembrance all the time the Sacrifice Jesus suffered for me, and therefore avoid hurting Him? Why do I not recall how beautiful it feels to be wrapped up tightly in the love of the Father, which feeling I get when I am walking in His path?

I'm going to try something. Whenever I reflect upon my good fortune in regards to the health of my family, I'm going to think about Jesus' love for me, and I'm going to remember how I don't want to disappoint Him anymore. And I'll take that moment to resolve again to match my will with His. And I'll take that moment to reflect on how beautiful it is to walk in righteousness, as well as in health. And this won't even be much of a stretch because when I'm contemplating how sweet it is to be strong in mind and body, my thoughts inevitably reach upward anyway, for I know from Whom those blessings come.

Lately, I keep coming across an interesting word in my scripture study. The word is an adverb "circumspectly," and is usually proceeded by the verb "walk." Usually something like "they must walk circumspectly to gain true happiness" or "because they did not walk circumspectly their lives sucked" or some such thing. So I looked up this word. From dictionary.com:

cir·cum·spect
   [sur-kuhm-spekt]
–adjective
1. watchful and discreet; cautious; prudent: circumspect behavior.
2. well-considered: circumspect ambition.

—Synonyms
1. careful, vigilant, guarded.

—Antonyms
1. careless, indiscreet.

I don't do this. I don't walk circumspectly. One could scarcely run circumspectly. I kinda get the feel of deliberation. To walk circumspectly, I need to be deliberate. Considerate. Careful. Vigilant and guarded.

I'm not there, but I think I'm moving in the right direction. I think my little "remember" exercise may help me become a little more deliberate. I hope so anyway.

God bless you on this Christmas Day and always!

Update

Well it's been a very busy time! But, busy is good. Busy is very good. I've been doing well. I finally talked to my bishop. I didn't give him the letter. He didn't seem interested in reading it. I was certain I couldn't TELL him what I'd done, but he encouraged me and made it safe and I finally told him. I love that man. SO much.

I wish I'd posted earlier. I wanted to remember some things he said. We talked on Sunday, almost a week ago. And I really wish I'd written down the things we talked about.

Oh, I know one thing he suggested. He wanted me to have a conversation with myself, as if I were my bishop. What would I tell me? Here's what I would tell me.

Erin, you are better than you think you are. You are doing a better job than you think. You're a good mom. Your kids adore you and respect you. You know what it's like to have kids; unpredictable. There's no way to know when one of your kids will wake and wander to where you are when you're engaged in inappropriate activities. THEN what would you do? The porn has to go, for good. Yours is a situation where you NEED to have the channels to God open and clear, for revelation. What if you need to protect your children when they're not with you? You won't be able to hear or understand the quiet whispers of God's warnings if you are drenched in sin.

I know you get discouraged. I know you feel, sometimes, that no one cares. I know you lose hope for the future. You have to stop giving into those lies, and you KNOW they're lies! God loves you so much. He would do anything that you let Him do. Let Him lead you Home. I know you can conquer this, Erin. I know you will. You know you will. Now you only have to choose when. How long are you going to hang on? No one can make that choice but you, please make that choice.

Those small areas of spirituality are what will save you. Study the scriptures. Pray with real intent. Learn of the Savior. The more you learn to love yourself, the more you will love Jesus, and the more you love Him, the better you will serve Him.

This path will be difficult, but you can do hard things. And, on this path, you will find peace, even on a journey whose destination IS peace, you will find peace. You will find joy in the journey, and satisfaction. Enjoy this path, this difficult, sometimes seemingly impossible path. Seek joy while changing, and you will find it.

-something like that.

Today I am filled with hope.

Turning Back

After a few weeks of wandering around in anxious misery, I've decided to return to the Lord. We all knew this was going to happen anyway. But, I was nervous. I hate that conversation that I know so well, the one that goes something like "Here I am. Again. I've been here so many times before, and my words, I know, are familiar and exhausted. I'm sorry. So, so, so sorry." Malachi 3:7- "return unto me and I will return unto you." I wanted the Lord back in my heart. I wanted peace again. So I turned around. AGAIN. But I feel much better now. I feel like He's on my side again. I know He's not the one who left. But I'm returning to Him, and as per His promise, He is returning to me.

Let's keep it that way this time.

Confession

I have written a lengthy letter of confession to my bishop. There are so many things my tongue won't permit me to speak. I hope this unorthodox method is acceptable to the Lord. I also hope this confession doesn't result in official discipline. But. Come what may.

Church

started 30 minutes ago. I am here, home, typing up a blog post. It's Fast and Testimony Meeting. Don't really want to hear the testimonies of people who don't sin as much as I do.
But I know that's a stupid lie. Well, not a lie, maybe, but a stupid reason to not go. Actually, the thought of going to church fills my soul with such great anxiety and dread, and I feel almost as though I simply cannot attend.
I'm going though. Now. Largely because I have a Sunday calling.

Just when I'm about to say to myself, forget it; there's no point in going, I counter with what I would tell someone else in my shoes. I would tell her to go. I would tell her God wants her there, and that God wants her back Home with Him. I would tell her there's no better place right now to receive the spiritual enlightenment that she so desperately needs right now. I would tell her go and find some peace.

But... I couldn't very well tell her that if I'd stayed home when I was in the same place.

I'm late. But I'm going. Goodbye.

Honest

I must be honest with myself. I must accept my responsibility. The reason I've fallen these past few times is because I've gone back to spiritual laziness. I've begun to neglect faithful scripture study.

Remarkable to me is the power the Scriptures hold. When I am devouring the Word, I find much more protection.

Remember how excited I was that the Scriptures were coming to life for me? Well... that stopped happening one day, all of a sudden. Every day for several consecutive days, I received some sort of revelation during scripture study, and then, it stopped. I thought, well, it can't be special every day. But, the next day was the same. Nothin. Just plain ol' silly war stories. Nothin to apply to me. So I thought, okay, so those first several days were just a great streak. Now, this doesn't apply to me but I'll keep reading anyway. Same thing the next day. Then the Scriptures got boring. And I quit reading with intent.

Maybe it's true that some days' readings will impact me more than others'. But, I don't think there should ever be a day when I can't find something that would apply to me. I should have looked harder.

I haven't made an appointment with the bishop. Tithing settlements are going on, and anyway I'm just terrified to talk to him about what I've done.

Fail

extra stress + extra weariness + spiritual carelessness + habitual force = fail.

Failure = discouragement = self-abhorrence = depression.

Depression = failure.