Observations

I like that I'm not letting this last set back destroy me. I think there's a balance you must maintain. I don't think I'm there yet. You have to be sufficiently sorry for your mistakes, but you can't let it destroy you, or what's a Savior for? On the other hand, you can't go on thinking you're just fine, thinking mistakes don't really matter because we have Jesus. That's pride, and that's another sin. So there's a balance. There's a medium. That's rough. All I know is, right now, I'm working on not letting it get the best of me, literally. I'm not letting this mistake take over everything about me that's good. I'm not letting myself become discouraged, because discouragement is a breeding ground for sin. So, rather than waiting for a time in misery before turning back to God; in essence, I'm turning back to Him right away. And I think that's appropriate. I just hope I'm not going over that balance area into the other side of not taking grownup responsibility for my behavior.

I did go see a counselor the other week. It was an enlightening experience, but I'm not going back. At least not to her. She did tell me that I'm not actually addicted. And.... there might be truth to that. I don't need porn. So, I think she's right that I'm not addicted to pornography. I do believe, however, that I'm addicted to the feeling. When I do overcome this once and for all, the withdrawals I'll face won't be over pornography, but over that feeling it enhances. This little bit of info is encouraging because it makes overcoming porn easier. Less overwhelming. More attainable.

I wonder if that makes sense to the common outsider.

So, what I need to do is eliminate pornography (duh!) and see what happens. Will I create my own mental scenarios? Yes. So what's the difference? I think that while mental "fantasies" (I put it in quotes because I hate that word. And I'm ashamed to think of my thoughts in that way. But I guess that's what it is, really) ultimately create the same atmosphere, I'm not actually victimizing any people. Besides that, when I'm looking at porn, everything is accelerated. By resorting to my imagination, I'll be forced to slow down, which may possibly, and very likely, win the mental battle, that "I should not be doing this, I wish I wasn't doing this, I need to stop doing this-- oh it's too late. I'm already in it." That thought process will be longer, and different, and I'd find more success I think. Rather than "It's too late, I'm already here," it just may be "time to think about something else. Now." and it will be simply a matter of changing the mental channel. Viewing someone else's creation of porn doesn't allow for that as much. It's too scintillating. It's kinda like a horrible train wreck. Horrifying, but hard to look away.

This is fascinating. I'm learning all this stuff WHILE I'm typing here, and it makes a lot of sense, and I think I'm right.

Creating a new me is like inventing something new. An inventor, if s/he wants to be successful, never gives up after failure. They just try something new until they reach the desired product. So, it's time to try something new.

I'm going to try an experiment. I'm taking my computer down today. I'm packing it away for a few weeks. I want to know if I'll still screw up my life with mental images or if that's all I'll really need to overcome this. Because I never seek for porn outside of the internet in my own home. I don't see myself ever doing that.

I'll report in a few weeks. I wish my reader(s) a very wonderful 2011!