Update

Well it's been a very busy time! But, busy is good. Busy is very good. I've been doing well. I finally talked to my bishop. I didn't give him the letter. He didn't seem interested in reading it. I was certain I couldn't TELL him what I'd done, but he encouraged me and made it safe and I finally told him. I love that man. SO much.

I wish I'd posted earlier. I wanted to remember some things he said. We talked on Sunday, almost a week ago. And I really wish I'd written down the things we talked about.

Oh, I know one thing he suggested. He wanted me to have a conversation with myself, as if I were my bishop. What would I tell me? Here's what I would tell me.

Erin, you are better than you think you are. You are doing a better job than you think. You're a good mom. Your kids adore you and respect you. You know what it's like to have kids; unpredictable. There's no way to know when one of your kids will wake and wander to where you are when you're engaged in inappropriate activities. THEN what would you do? The porn has to go, for good. Yours is a situation where you NEED to have the channels to God open and clear, for revelation. What if you need to protect your children when they're not with you? You won't be able to hear or understand the quiet whispers of God's warnings if you are drenched in sin.

I know you get discouraged. I know you feel, sometimes, that no one cares. I know you lose hope for the future. You have to stop giving into those lies, and you KNOW they're lies! God loves you so much. He would do anything that you let Him do. Let Him lead you Home. I know you can conquer this, Erin. I know you will. You know you will. Now you only have to choose when. How long are you going to hang on? No one can make that choice but you, please make that choice.

Those small areas of spirituality are what will save you. Study the scriptures. Pray with real intent. Learn of the Savior. The more you learn to love yourself, the more you will love Jesus, and the more you love Him, the better you will serve Him.

This path will be difficult, but you can do hard things. And, on this path, you will find peace, even on a journey whose destination IS peace, you will find peace. You will find joy in the journey, and satisfaction. Enjoy this path, this difficult, sometimes seemingly impossible path. Seek joy while changing, and you will find it.

-something like that.

Today I am filled with hope.