After a few weeks of wandering around in anxious misery, I've decided to return to the Lord. We all knew this was going to happen anyway. But, I was nervous. I hate that conversation that I know so well, the one that goes something like "Here I am. Again. I've been here so many times before, and my words, I know, are familiar and exhausted. I'm sorry. So, so, so sorry." Malachi 3:7- "return unto me and I will return unto you." I wanted the Lord back in my heart. I wanted peace again. So I turned around. AGAIN. But I feel much better now. I feel like He's on my side again. I know He's not the one who left. But I'm returning to Him, and as per His promise, He is returning to me.
Let's keep it that way this time.
that's the rule in this engagement: Never give up. You only have two choices, either keep going and eventually make it to where you want to be, or give in to present circumstances and become that which you hate. You decide which outcome you want to happen. But you need to stop all thoughts that you are a lost cause, you're not, you're working on making the right decisions, even though it seems to you like you give in more than you resist at times. You have to make the decision of what you want the outcome to be and then dismiss the possibility that the other outcomes are even possible, in this case that you won't go back to Pornography. Make that decision now, and once it's made, exclude any thoughts that you might go back, or that you might slip up again. I know that sounds easier to say than do, and it is, but that's the course you have to take. If you don't honestly believe that you can beat this, then you never will. Have confidence in yourself and the Lord's ability to help you, you've written about experiences where He has helped you in the past. I know you have faith in Him, but do you have confidence? Do you have confidence in yourself that you'll be able to win out? I do. I believe that you can, and I know Heavenly Father does, too. Don't give up, build up your confidence in yourself, and make the decision that you will do this. If you have to, disable your internet until you're strong enough to do this. If you have to have the internet, then find a way to make sure you don't have access to it when you're alone, make one of your children take the modem to bed with them, cancel your TV subscription, and find some good books to read, I have a long list if you want some good uplifting ones that will help you escape the situation and just be somewhere else. We are talking some serious scorched earth tactics, whatever you have to do to remove the temptation until you are strong enough to resist without the safeguards in place, which is going to be a long time, but it'll be worth it. These type of things don't just disappear within a couple days or weeks, or even months or years sometimes, nor is it a sudden switching, you'll battle these emotions, depressions and temptations probably a good portion of the rest of your life in one way or another. But I promise you that the moments of happiness, peace, and contented living will grow to overshadow these dark moments. So for now, do whatever it takes to remove temptation, extreme measures are necessary, and then, when you're stronger, then the safeguards can be taken down again. It's like an accident victim going through therapy, you don't start them out by running laps or by doing even simple day-to-day tasks, even, you start them out where you can and then slowly build them back up. Right now, find your safe zone and retreat to that spot and strengthen yourself. It'll be boring and monotonous at times, but in the end you'll emerge with the strength necessary to beat this thing outright. This is all just my advice, and you can take from it what you will. How has everything been during this past week? Sorry I haven't written before now. How goes the therapy? Is it helping?
ReplyDeleteBen,
ReplyDeleteI hope you know I don't expect your words of wisdom. I do appreciate them, more than I can adequately express. I use your suggestions and I find strength from your encouragement. I just hope you don't feel obligated to share your thoughts. Certainly, you never need apologize for not responding.
You are very wise. You must be a source of great pride to your family.
I don't think that you expect them, but I know how much they help when things look dark. They can be that extra wind that you need to keep going. I've been there, myself, though not in the same way you have, I don't think it's possible for any two people to have the exact same experience, but I can understand, and I feel a desire to contact you as a friend to give you those words of encouragement, and when I read your posts, I feel strengthened by your resolve which is something that I am in need of. I hope you know that you are also rather inspiring with your words. As for me, my family isn't exactly the model situation, and some even won't talk to me directly because of my staunch beliefs, that is one of the trials that I face, and your testimony has definitely helped me through some dark nights of my own, so thank you as well.
ReplyDelete