I've had a chance to reflect on yesterday's incident. I think I know what it comes down to. I think I ignored some warnings. I think the Spirit was reminding me that I needed to refocus on God's Word. I didn't once open up my scriptures yesterday.
You know, I gotta start taking this much more seriously. I am not in a position to be so spiritually lazy. I am not in a position to just ride through this, like I'm trying to do, if I'm honest with myself. It's time NOW to STOP the laziness. It's time to actively study, devour the Word. Every day. I can't afford not to! The time has passed for passive reading of the Scriptures. Now I must read each day with the intent to find something that will help change my heart.
I regret ignoring those warnings from the Spirit. I regret buying into the "false security" that Satan designed. I regret falling for one of his tricks.
I pray for humility.
I echo Nephi's words from 2 Nephi chapter 4 Awake, my soul! No longer droop in sin. Rejoice, O my heart, and give place no more for the enemy of my soul. O Lord, wilt thou redeem my soul? Wilt thou make me that I might shake at the appearance of sin?
I know in whom I have trusted.
Sunday, November 27, 2011
Change of Heart
I wonder why it's taking me so long to change. Yes, I am progressing, but the progress is so slow. Why? What can I do to expedite it? What can I do to reach freedom faster?
Today has been humbling. I got maybe 3 hours of sleep and had to go to my brother's ward early this morning for my nephew's baby blessing (it's like unto a Christening in case I have non-LDS readers). Usually I teach the 4 year olds in my ward but I got a sub for today and I got to enjoy Sunday School and Relief Society today in my brother's ward. Interestingly, both lessons were about the Love of God.
Sometimes, I swear it seems like God orchestrates things just to speak to me. Today, I heard what I needed to hear.
In Sunday School, we were studying some chapters is 1 John. 1 John 1:1-2 reads
1 My little children, these things write I unto you, that ye sin not. And if any man sin, we have an advocate with the Father, Jesus Christ the righteous:
2 And he is the propitiation for our sins: and not for ours only, but also for the sins of the whole world.
I began thinking of the word "advocate." What is an advocate? I thought of lawyers. I know that comparing Jesus to lawyers may seem strange, but a good lawyer is a good advocate. A good lawyer fights your battles for you. S/he takes your place in the court room, speaks on your behalf, defends you if necessary, to the end. Personally, I don't know much about the legal world. If I was in a position where I needed to defend myself in a legal situation, I would need to hire a lawyer, because of my inexperience. I don't know nearly enough about the legal world. And I never will. I would need an advocate. I would need someone to quite literally speak for me, to take my place, to fight my battle.
That is what Jesus does for me. I read verse one up there as something like Jesus telling me "Erin, please don't sin. It hurts you and it hurts me. But, here's the thing. If you do sin, you have me. I am your advocate with the Father. I will fight your battle. I will stand in your place. I know everything about this Spiritual world, and you know so little. Let me fight this. I'm your advocate."
I did something wrong. But I want to go Home. Not only will Jesus fight this battle for me, He has also already volunteered to take my sentencing upon Him, and He's already paid it in full. I can be free. Why am I choosing bondage, when freedom is right before me?!
I love my Savior. I love my God, my Father in Heaven. I am so sorry I let Them down again. Even so, I know They love me still. I know Their arms are open still, ready to receive my broken, crippled, sin-covered self into them. I know that God is just waiting to cover me in His mercy and His sweet grace. How good is our God!
Here we go again. I slipped last night but I'm up. I'm repenting. I'm turning to God and facing Zion, refusing to look back again onto Sodom.
God, forgive me. Forgive me for adding to the bitter burden of my Jesus.
I don't know how long it will take me to allow my heart to change. But I do know it's changing.
Today has been humbling. I got maybe 3 hours of sleep and had to go to my brother's ward early this morning for my nephew's baby blessing (it's like unto a Christening in case I have non-LDS readers). Usually I teach the 4 year olds in my ward but I got a sub for today and I got to enjoy Sunday School and Relief Society today in my brother's ward. Interestingly, both lessons were about the Love of God.
Sometimes, I swear it seems like God orchestrates things just to speak to me. Today, I heard what I needed to hear.
In Sunday School, we were studying some chapters is 1 John. 1 John 1:1-2 reads
1 My little children, these things write I unto you, that ye sin not. And if any man sin, we have an advocate with the Father, Jesus Christ the righteous:
2 And he is the propitiation for our sins: and not for ours only, but also for the sins of the whole world.
I began thinking of the word "advocate." What is an advocate? I thought of lawyers. I know that comparing Jesus to lawyers may seem strange, but a good lawyer is a good advocate. A good lawyer fights your battles for you. S/he takes your place in the court room, speaks on your behalf, defends you if necessary, to the end. Personally, I don't know much about the legal world. If I was in a position where I needed to defend myself in a legal situation, I would need to hire a lawyer, because of my inexperience. I don't know nearly enough about the legal world. And I never will. I would need an advocate. I would need someone to quite literally speak for me, to take my place, to fight my battle.
That is what Jesus does for me. I read verse one up there as something like Jesus telling me "Erin, please don't sin. It hurts you and it hurts me. But, here's the thing. If you do sin, you have me. I am your advocate with the Father. I will fight your battle. I will stand in your place. I know everything about this Spiritual world, and you know so little. Let me fight this. I'm your advocate."
I did something wrong. But I want to go Home. Not only will Jesus fight this battle for me, He has also already volunteered to take my sentencing upon Him, and He's already paid it in full. I can be free. Why am I choosing bondage, when freedom is right before me?!
I love my Savior. I love my God, my Father in Heaven. I am so sorry I let Them down again. Even so, I know They love me still. I know Their arms are open still, ready to receive my broken, crippled, sin-covered self into them. I know that God is just waiting to cover me in His mercy and His sweet grace. How good is our God!
Here we go again. I slipped last night but I'm up. I'm repenting. I'm turning to God and facing Zion, refusing to look back again onto Sodom.
God, forgive me. Forgive me for adding to the bitter burden of my Jesus.
I don't know how long it will take me to allow my heart to change. But I do know it's changing.
Pillar of Salt
I was busy, so busy today. I was doing something every waking moment. Until, that is, about 10 pm. I should have gone to bed then but instead I watched TV. Caught up on some missed shows.
I didn't need to do that.
I don't know if that's the reason. The shows themselves were clean. They were fine. Nothing suggestive whatsoever. I wasn't turned on by any of them. But I was so tired. I should have gone to bed. But I thought, I felt like I deserved to wind down after a long day of productivity. It's rare that I'm so productive. I just wanted to catch up on some missed shows.
I wish I'd gone to bed instead.
I don't know what it was. It came from nowhere. I mean, I felt tempted earlier today but it was so minimal, so manageable, so insignificant. What happened?
Now it's 3:30 or something like that and I can't sleep. This stuff used to make me sleep better, now it just makes me stay up all night long. My sin bears little reward. It offers less and less.
I need to sleep but I can't. I can't.
Five weeks.
I don't know. I started remembering what it was like, I started looking back on that time, on those times when I could only feel one thing. I started to miss it, long for it. I started to look back, like Lot's wife.
I wonder why is God so merciful to me.
I started telling myself that cartoons aren't really porn. I started telling myself that it's okay because 5 weeks is longer than I've ever gone and I'll just make it longer next time. I started believing that just one more time won't hurt. It wasn't as bad as usual. It didn't last as long as usual. What is that, a rationalization?
This is the worst. I think I just looked back with longing. I looked back.
This is a very serious bump in a very long road. I am not looking back anymore. I'm looking forward.
Wow, Erin. The day before you would have finally been able to take the Sacrament. HOURS before! JUST HOURS!
No more looking back. No more. Don't remind me, my Enemy, don't remind me because it won't work next time. Instead I'll think of the scripture accounts of deliverance. The eternal, glorious promise of what lies before me is far, far greater than a reminder of the earthly, temporary pleasure of my past.
I am sad, but no broken. I am sick, but not terminal. I am disheartened but not discouraged.
60 days next time. This time. It starts now.
I didn't need to do that.
I don't know if that's the reason. The shows themselves were clean. They were fine. Nothing suggestive whatsoever. I wasn't turned on by any of them. But I was so tired. I should have gone to bed. But I thought, I felt like I deserved to wind down after a long day of productivity. It's rare that I'm so productive. I just wanted to catch up on some missed shows.
I wish I'd gone to bed instead.
I don't know what it was. It came from nowhere. I mean, I felt tempted earlier today but it was so minimal, so manageable, so insignificant. What happened?
Now it's 3:30 or something like that and I can't sleep. This stuff used to make me sleep better, now it just makes me stay up all night long. My sin bears little reward. It offers less and less.
I need to sleep but I can't. I can't.
Five weeks.
I don't know. I started remembering what it was like, I started looking back on that time, on those times when I could only feel one thing. I started to miss it, long for it. I started to look back, like Lot's wife.
I wonder why is God so merciful to me.
I started telling myself that cartoons aren't really porn. I started telling myself that it's okay because 5 weeks is longer than I've ever gone and I'll just make it longer next time. I started believing that just one more time won't hurt. It wasn't as bad as usual. It didn't last as long as usual. What is that, a rationalization?
This is the worst. I think I just looked back with longing. I looked back.
This is a very serious bump in a very long road. I am not looking back anymore. I'm looking forward.
Wow, Erin. The day before you would have finally been able to take the Sacrament. HOURS before! JUST HOURS!
No more looking back. No more. Don't remind me, my Enemy, don't remind me because it won't work next time. Instead I'll think of the scripture accounts of deliverance. The eternal, glorious promise of what lies before me is far, far greater than a reminder of the earthly, temporary pleasure of my past.
I am sad, but no broken. I am sick, but not terminal. I am disheartened but not discouraged.
60 days next time. This time. It starts now.
Saturday, November 26, 2011
Five Weeks!
Still going strong, my friends, still strong. Five weeks today. Every new day is exhilarating. Every step onto new grounds is motivating! Trying to stay grateful to God for bringing me here. Trying to focus on what really matters.
Well I'm no longer in therapy. I feel really good about it. I feel like my therapist pointed my feet down the right path, and now it's up to me to walk it.
The temptations are coming back but I'm just telling them to go away. I'm acknowledging them but I just don't have time to entertain them. I have so many important things to do.
Tomorrow, I'll take the Sacrament for the first time in a long time. I am hopeful, so hopeful!, that I will not fall into old patterns. I'm stronger than I used to be and I don't have to fall the week after I finally take the Sacrament! Not this time! I am not afraid of this next week. I am simply hopeful. I am not fearful that I won't make it through; I am hopeful that I will. I hope I will! I believe I will.
My therapist referred me to a great blog, Beggars Daughter. Here is another woman who has all but overcome her sexual addictions! There are more of us, and there are women who are beating this! Can't wait to join their ranks.
Well I'm no longer in therapy. I feel really good about it. I feel like my therapist pointed my feet down the right path, and now it's up to me to walk it.
The temptations are coming back but I'm just telling them to go away. I'm acknowledging them but I just don't have time to entertain them. I have so many important things to do.
Tomorrow, I'll take the Sacrament for the first time in a long time. I am hopeful, so hopeful!, that I will not fall into old patterns. I'm stronger than I used to be and I don't have to fall the week after I finally take the Sacrament! Not this time! I am not afraid of this next week. I am simply hopeful. I am not fearful that I won't make it through; I am hopeful that I will. I hope I will! I believe I will.
My therapist referred me to a great blog, Beggars Daughter. Here is another woman who has all but overcome her sexual addictions! There are more of us, and there are women who are beating this! Can't wait to join their ranks.
Friday, November 25, 2011
To Tell the Family
I've been strangely considering telling my family about my addiction. Oh, this would be a terrible thing to do! But I just keep thinking about it. I know they'd still love me. But they may look at my differently, particularly my sister, who's been directly and deeply hurt by someone else's addiction to the same things I'm addicted to. I don't know. Telling them would add prayers to my own, to my recovery. I could gain a lot of strength just by letting them know. But it would be so awkward, especially if anyone brought it up at, say, the Thanksgiving Dinner table. I mean I'm definitely the black sheep in the family. I don't think they'd understand. They would love me. They would encourage me to keep the faith. They wouldn't turn me away. But... they wouldn't understand. And I can't expect them to. I imagine some of them, if not most of them, would judge me.
There are pros and there are cons.
I don't know, though, I just keep picturing myself telling them!
Next Friday, I'm doing the musical number for the area Addiction Recovery Program meeting, which meeting will combine the local groups. Much like a fireside. And I'm playing the piano. I'm thinking I just may invite my family. And when they see me approach the mic and say "I'm Erin, and I'm an addict," they will wonder.
But if I'm going to tell them, I think the meeting would be a great way to do so. Because the Spirit will be at this meeting. There will be Love, God's love, at this meeting. And maybe my family will see that I'm just a human, a woman, struggling like anyone else, just trying to return to God. And they'll see that I'm not a Godless, hopeless, aimless, wicked soul.
The meeting is a week away. I don't know what I'll do. I don't think I'll invite my family. But I wonder if I should.
There are pros and there are cons.
I don't know, though, I just keep picturing myself telling them!
Next Friday, I'm doing the musical number for the area Addiction Recovery Program meeting, which meeting will combine the local groups. Much like a fireside. And I'm playing the piano. I'm thinking I just may invite my family. And when they see me approach the mic and say "I'm Erin, and I'm an addict," they will wonder.
But if I'm going to tell them, I think the meeting would be a great way to do so. Because the Spirit will be at this meeting. There will be Love, God's love, at this meeting. And maybe my family will see that I'm just a human, a woman, struggling like anyone else, just trying to return to God. And they'll see that I'm not a Godless, hopeless, aimless, wicked soul.
The meeting is a week away. I don't know what I'll do. I don't think I'll invite my family. But I wonder if I should.
Thursday, November 24, 2011
33
Quickly, I just read over my Pharaoh post. I forgot to post again that I don't believe I'm Moses and my addictions are Pharaoh anymore. I think it's the other way around. I'm more like Pharaoh, who refuses to let my addictions go, despite the miracles that are continually placed before me. I just hope it doesn't take something as drastic as what convinced Pharaoh to release Moses' people to convince me to release my addictions.
Happy Thanksgiving, Readers! I am alone today. My dinner was yesterday with my family, and today the kids are with their father. We had a wonderful feast!
I have some fantastic news. Today is day 33, clean and sober! No porn, no masturbation, nothin! Since I've been counting, I believe I've never made it longer than this before! You know, that's kindof embarrassing. 33 Days is NOT that long. But.... How sweet it is! Even though it's not all that long, this is a milestone for me! This is huge! Look where God has carried me! I didn't resist Him this time!
I've been praying like crazy. I've been talking to a new friend, whom I met in a Facebook anti-porn group. She is similarly struggling and she is amazing. And I love her. I and LOVE having someone to "talk" to, who shares the same religious beliefs that I have, who UNDERSTANDS me! She doesn't ever judge me, she doesn't ever mock me, she just listens and encourages and loves. And I help her in the same way. At least I think I do. At least I hope I do! Having someone to share these things with has been a beautiful blessing. I can tell her "oh crap, I had a naughty dream last night and I want to keep on thinking about it and expounding on it, but I also want it to get out of my head so I STOP thinking about it! It's so unfair!" and she understands exactly where I'm coming from. It's incredible. We've connected on many other levels, too, I think. What a blessing. May I suggest, if you're struggling with these issues, find a friend who's in the same boat, talk it out with her (I do suggest a same-gender friend), listen to her struggles and LET HER LIFT YOU. You can email me, too. My email is on the top right of this blog. Feel free.
I'm so grateful! So grateful on this Day of Thanks for all my blessings. I have food in my belly every day of my life. I have a warm place to call my own and a little piece of land on this Earth. I have a job! I have the greatest little kids ever, a wonderful, loving family, amazing friends. God has given me so much every day. Health, senses, use of limbs, properly performing organs, safety, healthy and safe children, this beautiful free Land, and most importantly, a knowledge of my Redeemer! A knowledge and personal witness of His healing, ceaseless, powerful love! Look how far He's taken me!
Here's to another 30 days clean. Happy Thanksgiving everyone.
Happy Thanksgiving, Readers! I am alone today. My dinner was yesterday with my family, and today the kids are with their father. We had a wonderful feast!
I have some fantastic news. Today is day 33, clean and sober! No porn, no masturbation, nothin! Since I've been counting, I believe I've never made it longer than this before! You know, that's kindof embarrassing. 33 Days is NOT that long. But.... How sweet it is! Even though it's not all that long, this is a milestone for me! This is huge! Look where God has carried me! I didn't resist Him this time!
I've been praying like crazy. I've been talking to a new friend, whom I met in a Facebook anti-porn group. She is similarly struggling and she is amazing. And I love her. I and LOVE having someone to "talk" to, who shares the same religious beliefs that I have, who UNDERSTANDS me! She doesn't ever judge me, she doesn't ever mock me, she just listens and encourages and loves. And I help her in the same way. At least I think I do. At least I hope I do! Having someone to share these things with has been a beautiful blessing. I can tell her "oh crap, I had a naughty dream last night and I want to keep on thinking about it and expounding on it, but I also want it to get out of my head so I STOP thinking about it! It's so unfair!" and she understands exactly where I'm coming from. It's incredible. We've connected on many other levels, too, I think. What a blessing. May I suggest, if you're struggling with these issues, find a friend who's in the same boat, talk it out with her (I do suggest a same-gender friend), listen to her struggles and LET HER LIFT YOU. You can email me, too. My email is on the top right of this blog. Feel free.
I'm so grateful! So grateful on this Day of Thanks for all my blessings. I have food in my belly every day of my life. I have a warm place to call my own and a little piece of land on this Earth. I have a job! I have the greatest little kids ever, a wonderful, loving family, amazing friends. God has given me so much every day. Health, senses, use of limbs, properly performing organs, safety, healthy and safe children, this beautiful free Land, and most importantly, a knowledge of my Redeemer! A knowledge and personal witness of His healing, ceaseless, powerful love! Look how far He's taken me!
Here's to another 30 days clean. Happy Thanksgiving everyone.
Sunday, November 6, 2011
Worst Week Ever
I'm grateful that it's late Saturday night, and tomorrow begins a new week. This week has been hellish. I admit to being proud of myself for making it through the fear and anxiety and sorrow without giving into my favorite sins. I am also extremely grateful to my God for carrying me through.
I received bad news this week. And, you know, it isn't news. It's been right in front of my face for several months. But I've been so consumed by my addiction that I couldn't see, I couldn't see my life. I could no longer avoid the screeching alarm clock and I woke up. Here's what I woke to:
FAILURE.
It was right before me. I couldn't continue to ignore it. I couldn't continue to ignore him, or her. Suddenly, I had a problem bigger than my addiction. Suddenly, I had an issue more urgent. And I think that's why I've managed to stay clean.
One of the things I don't like about continued abstinence is that when I don't have a huge problem to focus on, all my littler, less urgent faults come into plain view. And there are tons of them. And they scare me and overwhelm me. I get so overwhelmed by all the things I have to fix about myself that I end up running back to my addiction. First, because it's how I've coped all these years. Second, because if I have a huge problem to work on, it's my only problem at the time. When I'm active in my addiction, nothing else matters but becoming clean. Forgetting to help my kids with homework pales in comparison to making it through the day without turning to my addictions. But when I've been clean for a while, the littler things become more important than before. Sometime, that homework HAS to get done.
It's cowardice, I think. I wish I would just face it.
This week I'm facing it. I'm being forced to face it. My kids desperately need me and I finally see it now. I don't want to go into all the details here but I felt like I may lose two very important people. And keeping those people and those relationships healthy and happy finally broke through my pride and presented itself as much more important and urgent than my addiction recovery. I learned very important lessons this week. I am so ashamed that I haven't put my kids first. I've been ignoring these problems around me all this time because the issues are MUCH too big for me! But now, I can't ignore it.
I'm grateful for a bigger issue than my addictions. I just wish my kids didn't have to suffer. But they HAVE been suffering; that's what I've been refusing to see! They've not been my primary focus. I am so sorry.
BUT. I won't linger in guilt and shame. I will act.
After spending a few days in crisis, I was blessed with comfort and ideas for solutions. Today is a good day. As I come back down from panicking, I hope that I won't return to old ways. I hope that I will continue this focus on my kids and other relationships in my life, for they ARE more important than my addiction! For them, I must be clean. I hope that God will continue to grant me strength and power.
I am so thankful for my Father and my Savior. I get tired of constantly falling and getting back up. I get tired of always repenting. But They don't. They don't tire of opening Their arms to me. How I love Them.
I received bad news this week. And, you know, it isn't news. It's been right in front of my face for several months. But I've been so consumed by my addiction that I couldn't see, I couldn't see my life. I could no longer avoid the screeching alarm clock and I woke up. Here's what I woke to:
FAILURE.
It was right before me. I couldn't continue to ignore it. I couldn't continue to ignore him, or her. Suddenly, I had a problem bigger than my addiction. Suddenly, I had an issue more urgent. And I think that's why I've managed to stay clean.
One of the things I don't like about continued abstinence is that when I don't have a huge problem to focus on, all my littler, less urgent faults come into plain view. And there are tons of them. And they scare me and overwhelm me. I get so overwhelmed by all the things I have to fix about myself that I end up running back to my addiction. First, because it's how I've coped all these years. Second, because if I have a huge problem to work on, it's my only problem at the time. When I'm active in my addiction, nothing else matters but becoming clean. Forgetting to help my kids with homework pales in comparison to making it through the day without turning to my addictions. But when I've been clean for a while, the littler things become more important than before. Sometime, that homework HAS to get done.
It's cowardice, I think. I wish I would just face it.
This week I'm facing it. I'm being forced to face it. My kids desperately need me and I finally see it now. I don't want to go into all the details here but I felt like I may lose two very important people. And keeping those people and those relationships healthy and happy finally broke through my pride and presented itself as much more important and urgent than my addiction recovery. I learned very important lessons this week. I am so ashamed that I haven't put my kids first. I've been ignoring these problems around me all this time because the issues are MUCH too big for me! But now, I can't ignore it.
I'm grateful for a bigger issue than my addictions. I just wish my kids didn't have to suffer. But they HAVE been suffering; that's what I've been refusing to see! They've not been my primary focus. I am so sorry.
BUT. I won't linger in guilt and shame. I will act.
After spending a few days in crisis, I was blessed with comfort and ideas for solutions. Today is a good day. As I come back down from panicking, I hope that I won't return to old ways. I hope that I will continue this focus on my kids and other relationships in my life, for they ARE more important than my addiction! For them, I must be clean. I hope that God will continue to grant me strength and power.
I am so thankful for my Father and my Savior. I get tired of constantly falling and getting back up. I get tired of always repenting. But They don't. They don't tire of opening Their arms to me. How I love Them.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)