Am I Too Lost?

It's an endless process, isn't it?

I mean, 117 days "clean." It's day after day of the process of progress. It's nothing compared to my decades of active addiction.

What is active addiction, anyway? I guess it's when you're acting out on a regular basis without breaks of abstinence. I guess it's when you live from one fix to the next.

Well, I don't think I'm doing that anymore.

So what do non-addicts do when it's too big? What do regular people do to cope with pain and fear? What if there are so many emotions encompassing you and you can't even identify half of them but they are swallowing you and you are tiny compared to all the stuff around you? What do they do when doubt is bigger than belief? What do they do when fear is bigger than faith?

The other night I had a nightmare where I was driving and the driver in front of my car hit a bridge wall thing and then was ejected from her car and she was tumbling toward mine. She hit my hood and was all bent over it and looked up at me through the windshield. It was me. I hit myself. It was the creepiest thing. Maybe it was a warning that I would slip soon if I didn't change . . . something.

Slips only happen if you're not doing what you're supposed to do, right?

Jesus saves every day, and that is the good thing. That is the best thing. I am not yet too far gone to escape His love and grace.

It's never worth it. I never want to go back there. It's too hard there. It's too hard here, too, though, and here I have to feel it.

Sometimes I feel like the God I call to isn't listening. But... I know He is.

And the tears that fall are acid on my face. What is done cannot be undone. What is given away cannot be retrieved. What is abandoned cannot be reclaimed. The past is unchangeable.