Untied Laces

I walked around all day yesterday with untied laces. I knew they were untied. I knew I needed to tie them. I kept thinking, "I'll do it later."

I didn't do it later. What happened later, instead, was something shiny distracted me. I turned to face it. I knew it was dangerous. I knew I should look away immediately and focus again on my ultimate goal. But, I stared. I contemplated reaching for it. I figured I'd just look at it and keep walking forward (rationalization, anyone?), but by not paying attention to my feet, or focusing on Truth and redemption in front of me, I tripped on that daggum shoelace. I stumbled, and my knees met the ground, hard, and gravity was doing its job very well and pulling my upper body, with great momentum, to the ground.

But a couple of friends rushed in and caught me. Jesus sent them and they caught me before I crashed to the earth. And they lifted me. And there I stood, staring at my laces, wishing I'd tied them. I stood there in horror at what I'd just done. I stood there in tears, cursing my endless frailty. I stood there in gratitude for friends who caught me just before I'd have to say "I slipped."

Then, facing my Savior now, I voluntarily fell to my knees, seeking forgiveness and strength. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

It seems that talking about sex with men who want to talk about sex is still an enormous weakness for me. I feel so very, very weak. I no longer seek those conversations, but, evidently, when the opportunity presents itself, and I haven't tied my laces, I am not strong enough.

After rising from talking to my God (who, by the way, was exceedingly gentle with me), I bent down to tie my laces. But then I had a better idea. I'm in the process now of changing my shoes. No laces. No Velcro. Nothing that can come undone.

While in the attitude of sorrowful, pleading prayer, God my Father reminded me gently that my worth remains unaltered. He reminded me gently that while I am focused on this one moment, this one failure, this one horrible choice- that He sees the eternal me. He doesn't see me as this one moment in time, like I do. He sees everything. I am not that one moment to Him, as I was to me, in that moment. But, I am all moments of me to Him. This moment, this mistake, doesn't define my whole.

Today, I'm trying on new shoes. Today, I'm returning with focus to the Savior. I'm building fortifications in my weakest areas. Regardless of what happened last night, today I will grasp the rod of iron and walk, looking forward.