Throwin' in the Towel

I've been fighting again. Today, I decided to surrender. Finally.

I'm so sick of the fight. I'm exhausted. I'm doing Step 3 again- turning to God. Deciding. I don't want to. I just want to linger in this valley a little longer. I feel like I'm not ready to climb again.

Forget it. Forget views, forget comments, forget masks and games. Forget prose, forget grammar. Forget armor. I'm takin' it off and throwing it down, and clothing with the armor of God instead, I hope. I've been wearing this breastplate to "protect" my heart, but it's really only blocked people from getting to it. Worse, it's blocked God from getting to it.

Why do I do this when I know what I know? Why do reject truth, time and time again when I know what happened the last time I rejected truth? I know what to do. I know how to fight a good fight.

But, I'm fighting a dumb fight now. I'm fighting against the Truth. Every day I want just one more day of Pepsi. Every day I want just one more day of idleness. Just one more day of selfishness with my time. Just one more day of ignoring the Spirit.

Just one more step closer to old ways.

This needs to change now. Now.

Today at my first ever women's PASG meeting, we read the introduction of the manual. And this quote by Dallin H Oaks punched me in the face:

We should avoid any behavior that is addictive.
Whatever is addictive compromises our will. Subjecting
our will to the overbearing impulses imposed by any
form of addiction serves Satan’s purposes and subverts
our Heavenly Father’s. This applies to addictions to
drugs (such as narcotics, alcohol, nicotine, or caffeine),
addiction to practices such as gambling, and any other
addictive behavior.

I have already learned that addiction of any kind, including Pepsi, robs me of the Spirit. And I feel like by giving into this relapse of Pepsi I've been having, that I spit in the face of Jesus. Reading this quote tonight was harrowing. Yes, even addiction to caffeine "serves Satan's purposes and subverts our Heavenly Father's."

I knew what I had to do then, and I made the decision that I would finish the Pepsi in my fridge and start fresh tomorrow. And I knew that was the wrong decision, but it was the best I could do at the moment. Then I drove away from the meeting and opened up my armor a bit and let my heart commune with God. And I cried. And I let Him teach me a little more than before. No more Pepsi. No more running.

I have forgotten that God is good. I have forgotten that to Him, I matter. I haven't forgotten it on a logical sense, but I have failed to feel it for awhile. I have been taking back my will that I gave Him some time ago. I cannot afford to be weakened in this way.

Sometimes, I feel like there must be something wrong with me mentally. But, I think this is how it goes. I think this is how life goes. I think this is how being a human goes.

It's time to make my heart accessible once again. It's time to expose the real me and risk getting hurt. There is no growth without risk.

A letter to God-

Dear God, my Father,
Here I am. This is me. I give Thee my heart one more time. My will is weak; strengthen it! My faith is dying; revive it! I know that when I walk to Thee, I am empowered. And so, here I am. Here's my heart. Help Thou my unbelief!

I'm ready to be happy again. I'm ready to be Thine again. I'm ready, Lord.