Operation Shame-Free Life: NO MORE SECRETS

Here are some things about me that I wish to no longer be ashamed of, in no particular order:

1. I weigh 213 pounds and wear a size 18. This was especially shaming because when I was in college 13 years ago, I weighed 118 pounds and wore a size 5. I gained more than 100 pounds since then! My highest weight was 233 pounds. I have no reason to be proud of that, but guess what? I also have no reason to be ashamed. So I'm releasing the shame. Goodbye, shame! It is what it is and though I wish it wasn't, I can't change it by feeling crappy about it. I don't like to be obese, but that doesn't mean I have to be ashamed.

My worth is unaffected by my weight, after all.

2. My house is a mess. My organization skills are pathetic. Right now, I'm looking around my living room and there is mail on the floor, trash on the floor, couch pillows strewn about, papers and mail on every surface, some shoes, a bra, and Guess Who (the game) in pieces on the floor. Oh, and a few toys. The kitchen isn't much better, though the dishes are actually clean right now. The floor isn't bad, either. Both my kids' bedrooms are clean right now but that wasn't the case yesterday. And my bedroom- oh, my bedroom! It's where train wrecks come to vomit. Even by writing about it, I am not dispelling the shame. I know that I could not post a picture of it. I could post a picture of the rest of my house. It's messy but it's really not too bad. But, my bedroom? No. It can hide in shame for now. I want to get to a point where it doesn't bring me down with the weight of shame. I'm going to clean it- eventually.

My worth is unaffected by the condition of my bedroom, after all.

3. My son's Cub Scout progress. He's been in Cub Scouts for five months and I haven't helped him earn a single thing. I previously felt immense shame for that, but I'm trying to calm down that anxious shame now. It is what it is! I can't go back and change a thing! I feel a lot of dread and anxiety about the scouting program anyway, which feeds my shame--

Wait. You know what really feeds shame? Expectations. I expect myself to be thinner. I expect myself to be tidier. I expect myself to be more involved in my son's scouting experience. Expectations aren't so bad if they're healthy, but when I add conditions to those expectations, like "if I don't help my son with scouts, then I'm a bad mom," or "if I am not 135 pounds, then I'm a loser," then I'm setting myself up for a long-time sentence in a prison of shame! And that is what I do with those expectations, see. It's what creates the shame. I think shame, then, is created by unmet, unrealistic expectations.

Okay, back to my list.

4. This here addiction of mine, especially my last slips. Yes, the shame came back to eat me alive. The shame threatened to stay and encouraged relapse. I almost allowed myself to become consumed with the shame, and I almost planned a relapse! BUT MY WORTH IS UNAFFECTED, and I finally remembered that. No more shame. It is what it is and I am who I am and I cannot change the past. I permit myself guilt and sorrow for sin, but I no longer permit shame!

5. My ADHD. I have ADHD! I just do. And I forget things and I get scared about calling people back and I can't focus on one thing for very long. I do feel bad for leaving people hanging. I do feel sorry about all the times I have been irresponsible with my peers. But sorrow and shame are not the same, and I refuse to allow my scatter-brained tendencies to bring me shame any longer.

After all, my worth is unaltered by it.

Okay. I think that's good for now. I am tired of shame. I am tired of secrets. I don't want to be imprisoned by them anymore, not for one more second. I'm this close to divulging to my Facebook friends and everyone I know that I struggle with this addiction. I am so tired of holding back on my comments to some people because if I say too much, it'll reveal my addiction. I just want to do it! I will, too. Soon.

Also, I told my kids about this addiction. For FHE on Monday, we talked about addiction, pornography addiction, and my pornography addiction. I kept it light and real. I didn't want it to be a stiff, awkward environment, so I just talked about it like it was easy. I cried when I told them how horrible it is to be trapped in the darkness, and when I told them how pornography affected every part of me. I cried when I told them that Jesus will rescue all who wish to be rescued, and that He is rescuing me. Now they know why I passed up the Sacrament so many times. Now they know why I only just now began going to the temple. And now they know what to do when they encounter pornography themselves. And I hope they will feel like they can talk to me about it, because they now know I can talk to them about it. My dear children took the information very well. They asked some questions. They certainly didn't think less of me as a parent. I know it was the right thing to do, and I wish I'd told them earlier. They are 9 and 8. I'm going to talk about it frequently now so they won't ever feel awkward about it.

I also believe that since I am open with them, they will be open with me when it matters (and when it doesn't for that matter).

I'm happy to report that I am back on the path! And I'm doing better than I was the day before I slipped. I am refocused and determined. I am sad (but not ashamed) that it took a slip to wake me. Next time, I'll humble myself before I reach that point.

Onward!