As God Sees Me

On July 18, 2010, I wrote my first blog post! I have kept this blog for three years and one day! What an adventure these last three years have been.

In honor of these three years, I spent a large portion of today reading some of my past posts. I am so grateful that I have kept this blog. I can see how far I have come. I can remember the misery of active addiction. I can see how God has been guiding me all this time. I look back on these posts, and I am filled with so much love for my own self! I see the then-me and I love her. I hold nothing against her! I hold nothing against me. As I've read these posts, I forgive myself! I forgive myself for every last incident, for every fall, for every misdeed, for every moment of pride. I forgive it all! I am not evil. I am not bad. I am okay, you know? I'm okay! And I always have been.

I'm really, truly, deeply seeing that nothing I have done has altered my worth.

When I was kissing that man after he told me I was married, my worth was unaltered. Even in the moment! And I forgive myself.

When I was looking at pornography when my kids were awake, my worth was unaltered, even in the moment! And I forgive myself.

When I tried alcohol for the first time ever, my worth was unaltered, even in the moment! And I forgive myself.

When I slipped after 78 days of abstinence -- my longest run till that point -- my worth was unaltered, even in the moment! And I forgive myself.

When I believed Satan's lies that women who are addicted to pornography are freaks of nature, my worth was unaltered. And I forgive myself for my ignorance.

When I wished to die, my worth was unaltered, even in the moment! And I forgive myself.

When I went to Burlesque, and stayed even after I could no longer deny that I shouldn't be there, my worth was unaltered. Even in the moment! And I forgive myself.

When I felt despicable and worthless for continued failure, my worth was unaltered, even in the moment! And I forgive myself.

I look to the former-me with love and compassion. The former-me is the real-me and the now-me because I cannot be separated from myself. I have reconciled the addict and my spirit and they are one. No more duality! I love all of me! I accept all of me!

I want to share something with you. In writing this post, a prayer was answered. I have been asking my Father to reveal to me, to give me just a glimpse, of who I am to Him; of how He sees me. And as I was writing about how I see the then-me, I was struck with an understanding that my God sees me that way, too. He doesn't hold those against me! In His eyes, my worth never changed! Not for one second! Not even in those dark, rebellious moment of sin and despair. He has regarded me always as His daughter, as His special daughter, as a daughter always worthy of love. He has never loved me less, and He has always regarded me as worthy of love.

I see how I was three years ago and I look at her with compassion, love, and forgiveness. I look at her with a plea to come to God! I want to tell the then-me, "Oh, Stephanie. Don't you know you only need to face God and walk? Don't you see how beautiful and precious you are? Don't you know that you can be free? Don't you know God will heal you? Oh, won't you come unto Him and be healed? I forgive you. I love you. I accept every part of you."

I want to tell her that, and so now I'm telling me that -- the now-me -- and God is telling that, too. He sees me with love, compassion and forgiveness, and with a plea to return to Him.

Recovery is so hard every single day! But moments like this remind me why I'm doing it.

I'm thankful for the lessons of the past three years. I forgive myself for taking so long to achieve measurable sobriety. I am glad I've kept this blog, and most of all, I'm grateful for the miracle of the Atonement, which miracle turns me into a miracle as well. I'm thankful tonight for answered prayers.

God with you!